The Group Of All discussion
Your Stories
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HELP ME!
Before I start, let me point out that I give constructive criticism. This means I don't praise your work as perfect, I give you hints on how to improve it. Please note that any examples I give should not automatically be used, they are just examples to try to illustrate my points as I don't know how much you know about the writing process.You have a tendency to tell, not show. You need to do it the other way around. I'll try to give you an example of tell versus show.
"Dallas crouched on the ledge, the castle wall extending in both directions to the turrets that marked the corners of the courtyard."
Do you see how this shows you that the ledge is part of the castle wall rather than telling you that it is?
Do you really mean deep slow breaths? With the adjectives in that order you're creating a taxonomy and I doubt that's what you really want to be doing. (In this case, deep slow breaths as opposed to deep fast breaths, for example, but not as opposed to light shallow breaths). Adjectival ordering is very specific and different orders mean different things. I'm actually surprised that you went for this order as it's not the natural order. The natural order here is slow deep. If you want me to explain the taxonomy I'll try to do so but it's complicated so I'll only go into it if you really think it'll help you.
You have a couple of sentences with no verb. Read your work aloud to yourself and you'll see where you've gone wrong.
Your biggest problem is telling rather than showing.
Whoa...
Telling not showing.
My English teacher says that a lot.
Telling not showing.
My English teacher says that a lot.
Yeah, I tell too much....
So is here anything I did right?
So is here anything I did right?
It's hard to explain. But you tell the reader what's happening rather than showing them.You're not as bad as some, trust me, I've read things where it's just a long list of actions. And you don't give an info dump, that's also good.
Some basic differences:
"She was hungry." - telling
"Her tummy grumbled." - showing
"The flower wilted before her eyes." - telling
"As she watched yet another petal broke off and floated gently down to join the growing pile at the base of the vase." - showing
See? Do you get the idea behind it?
You have a good story build. Plot and all...
Vocab is good.
Vocab is good.
Well, I don't always "tell", do I?
Is it just once or twice or...?
Is it just once or twice or...?
I read the old version. I'd need to reread the new one. I'll do the first paragraph quickly:Be careful with similies. They're ok in small quantities but can quickly become oppressive.
You've put deep slow breaths again. :/ I am honestly confused as to why you would choose this order over slow, deep breaths.
Shutting out the snow and the wind - a bit clunky coming at this point in the sentence. Consider rephrasing or changing the punctuation.
His enhanced eyes - telling. Show they're enhanced before detailing some of what he can see, don't tell.
Seeming to wince - seemed.
Under the pressing cold - preposition use. Against?
It's - its.
His eyes seeing...blahblah - there's no conjugated verb in this sentence. Could be shown better.
including the brass doorknob starting to turn and the door start to sway - I think you can see the problem here on your own.
glinting in the low light - with this structure, Dallas is glinting, not the dagger.
patter - pattern.
Okay, well, this is obviously going to be edited with the correct spelling and punctuation.
So for the spelling and punctuation...
:/
But the rest...
So for the spelling and punctuation...
:/
But the rest...
I don't get what you're getting at.Do you not understand the problems that I'm pointing out?
Or do you not want me to point out the problems because you consider this already polished?
I took out the piece about e ivy...
Damn, that was useless.
Damn, that was useless.
Yes, I understand them, Rea.
And I accept criticism.
I don't consider my stories polished. I know they have flaws.
Very bad ones...
And I accept criticism.
I don't consider my stories polished. I know they have flaws.
Very bad ones...
Rea wrote: "I read the old version. I'd need to reread the new one. I'll do the first paragraph quickly:Be careful with similies. They're ok in small quantities but can quickly become oppressive.
You've put..."
whoa. um...ok...that's a LOT of stuff...but besides those that you pointed out, the plot and descriptions of his story are great, the details are awesome, so its just some grammatical errors and the spelling etc. :) other than that, the story as a whole is better than just GOOD.
No, because I tell and don't show.
But Hank you, Pasham.
:)
But Hank you, Pasham.
:)
*big sigh* i know...i just hate all the technicalities of it. writing shouldn't become so complicated...it should just flow naturally..*bleh now i sound philosophical xD*anytime F :)
Hank you. WTF?!
Anyway, it doesn't flow naturally.
Anyway, it doesn't flow naturally.
what? O.Ooh shush, its late and i just did a ton of studying, half of what im saying doesn't go through my brain xD
No, it makes sense, but, if you read e above comments, you'll see Rea pointed out several times that my writing doesn't flow, because I structure it differently.
Which isn't my fault.
Which isn't my fault.
*grumble* yes. BUT, its ur ideas and plot outline and story outline whatnot that MATTERS the most...the rest u can always work on.
Well, it's due tomorrow...
And it's not good enough...
:/
And it's not good enough...
:/
have u edited it yet? as in the grammar blah blah blah? if u just did that, then leave the rest, u dun have to change much anyway, its not that noticeable, the story's great enough as it is Francois! >.<
is ur teacher big on those kind of things rea pointed out?
She didn't mention it once.
We're working on smilies and so on...
We're working on smilies and so on...
then she won't notice a thing, 'cept that ur story's brilliant and effing awesome!! >.<
O.O dude, don't tell me she's in the same CITY, SCHOOL and CLASS with you?!!
Your biggest competition is yourself.
It's a motto at my school.
It's a motto at my school.
Sherihan, your school has a motto for everything.
And, Pasham, yes she is.
And, Pasham, yes she is.
*sigh* lucky...BUT BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND!then she's sort of ur motivation for doing better next time F, dun whip urself too hard, just be happy and proud of ur work and aim to be better next time :)
then dun give up, u know the standard u have to work for, keep trying till u get there >.<
*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*
Jus' sayin'
Jus' sayin'
It's an emoji smiley...
It's built onto my iPad...
ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ
(^з^)-☆
(=´∀｀)人(´∀｀=)
m(._.)m
(´･_･`)
（苦笑）<---- LOVE THAT ONE!
It's built onto my iPad...
ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ
(^з^)-☆
(=´∀｀)人(´∀｀=)
m(._.)m
(´･_･`)
（苦笑）<---- LOVE THAT ONE!
That last one is soooooo cute!
it means something like a pained smile or laugh, or like a wry one.
dammit, but its still chinese characters ;D
Where'd you learn Chinese?
It's:
(Wry Smile)
It's:
(Wry Smile)
...im asian, grew up with it, u know, what from coming from s'pore and everything :P
Oh Ueah...
Yeah....
I remember.
:-P
"Do you know where Singapore is?"
"Do I look stupid? Of course I do!"
Yeah....
I remember.
:-P
"Do you know where Singapore is?"
"Do I look stupid? Of course I do!"
The Group Of All
Books mentioned in this topic
On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft (other topics)On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft (other topics)
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...