Things I've Learned From Bodice Rippers...

[[deleted user]]

I saw a thread like this on IMDB about the TV soap Dallas and thought it was a perfect fit for bodice rippers and romances in general. Go wild with what you've "learned," and if it's a specific one from a certain book, go ahead and add the title. :)

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM BODICE RIPPERS AND ROMANCES IN GENERAL
* A girl's worst enemy is her traitorous body. (Too many to mention!)

* Nair-like creams should be pink and smell of almonds. (Any Bertrice Small harem tale)

* It doesn't take much to bring on a case of amnesia - or get rid of it.

* Material, particularly those used for bodices, was really really flimsy back then.

* The hero is rarely, if ever, guilty of the crime or reputation that makes the heroine afraid/secretly attracted to him.

* A woman can go through life as the town bicycle and serial child bearer and still retain her glorious figure and flawless complexion. (Oh Bertrice Small, I am so looking at you!)

* A guy who has stalked you since you were 5 years old and kidnaps you as a teenager and rapes you is really just deeply in love. (Devil's Embrace)

[Tammy]

LOL! Awesome. I thought I was doing well just learning what a pelisse was.

Oh, and all about Jean Lafitte, the privateer/pirate. (Hello, Shirlee Busbee!)

[[deleted user]]

Jean Lafitte IS a favorite. :D

I've also learned...

* No hero has ever gotten rug burn on his tongue from licking a heroine's leg, no matter the time period.

* It's NEVER that time of the month.

* Morning breath? Doesn't exist. (I've only seen it once, and that was between Cesare & Lucretia Borgia.)

[[deleted user]]

Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "Jean Lafitte IS a favorite. :D

I've also learned...

* No hero has ever gotten rug burn on his tongue from licking a heroine's leg, no matter the time period.

* It's NEVER that time of the month...."

LOL

[Vivian]

~If you can make her orgasm then it's not rape; she just didn't know what she wanted/needed.

*Snork on the * It's NEVER that time of the month...."

I've neglected my BR reading for many years so I'll just admire all the epiphanies. Great discussion topic.

[[deleted user]]

Vivian wrote: "~If you can make her orgasm then it's not rape; she just didn't know what she wanted/needed."

:D Those silly virgins.

[Pamela(AllHoney)]

NO! NO! NO! really means YES! YES! OH, god, YES!

[[deleted user]]

LMFAO! :D Those are all solid gold!

[Vivian]

**You CAN drink in the morning/evening/lunchtime every day and not be a raging alcoholic (any 60's - 70's romance)

Wait, so this isn't true, Cheshire Cat? Growing up in the Caribbean has different rules apparently.

[Elle]

**When the heroine thinks she's plain, the first time we get an objective description, she's Angelina Jolie.

**Somewhere in every book, the hero has some body part described as chiseled or sculpted.

**Women are complete thralls to their baser urges once those urges are awakened. No amount of abuse, degradation, not even the murder of a loved one, will inhibit the heroine's libido once the hero kisses her. She will completely lose her spine, her good sense, and every ounce of her hurt and righteous anger will convert to mindless, uncontrollable passion the first time he touches her breast.

[[deleted user]]

* Some heroines need to be told (by the hero-rapist, no less) that they were indeed raped, and no just "roughly made love to" (her words)



(This one is so special it gets one all its own. :P)

[Evelyn]

♥ Cheshire Catt ♠ wrote: "**The Indian that just murdered your entire family, raped and branded you really just loves you and is not sure how to say it...
"

LOL to all of those, but is this one from a specific book, and if so, can you tell me the name? I'd like to read that one. Indian BRs can be such long strings of tragic abuse to the heroine. Yes, I am absolutely thinking of Savage Ecstasy. To think, it didn't even stop there. That series is about as bad as the SSL series.

[[deleted user]]

Maybe it's Silken Savage? TBH, I've tried to wipe what I've read of that book from my memory. :P

[Evelyn]

Hmm, I guess I'll have to read Silken Savage now. Maybe I'll just read through the beginning and skip the boring superwoman stuff. Your reviews are pretty funny by the way, both of you really have a gift with comedic (and sarcastic) writing. You could be writers for Cracked.

[[deleted user]]

Thanks for the compliment, Evelyn! Some books bring out the worst in me. ;)

[Elle]

Oh, here are a couple more:

--Women are always pretty much the same size. If the heroine has to go on the run without her clothes, wherever she lands, the woman there will have clothes that fit her, or need only very minor alterations.

--Even if it's rape, the heroine will always have an orgasm her first time. There will be a slight pinch, then ecstasy.

[Elle]

Oh, and cowboys are always tall. But there's an explanation that never comes up in the books. Ever seen the heels on cowboy boots?

[Evelyn]

You gotta wonder how they get around in the texas desert wearing high-heels. And then you have the silent-as-a-snake half-comanche gunslinger. How do they move so silently in heels, especially on a wood floor?

[Elle]

IME, those ol' sh*t stompers are almost as noisy as women's shoes. And if you've ever worked in an office and paid attention, you can hear most women's shoes a mile away. The heels on cowboy boots, by the way, are actually useful. They keep a rider's foot in the stirrup and prevent it from going through and hanging him up. Oh, and lord help you if you ever sit on one. Yip!

[Evelyn]

If you've ever walked on a sidewalk, you can hear those heels a mile away. Whenever I wear heels I always feel self-conscious about the clacking.

No, you wouldn't want to sit on a spur. Ouch.

[Elle]

You've heard the old adage, "don't squat with yer spurs on.".

Actually, I was thinking of the pointy toes, tho. Had to do with bleachers and the guy behind me stretching out and putting his feet up...

[Evelyn]

LOL

[[deleted user]]

Wow, that would wake you up! :P

[Elle]

I doubt I've ever moved that fast before or since.

[[deleted user]]

OMFG, those are perfect. And Rainbow's Magic really inspired you, didn't it? :D

[[deleted user]]

I'll add this to the Harley-specific list:

--You can have a name like Driffort or Royce Ryder, and girls won't laugh. Not once.