Can someone please read my story.

[Tim]

Can someone please read this for me.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

[Tim]

Thanks so much!

[Kjersti but you can call me Captain]

This is pretty good Perrin. I suggest that you follow Mr. Wedlund's instructions, he seems to be a man that knows what he's talking about. I enjoyed the descriptions, but they seemed a little choppy in parts. You would start to go into real detail about something, like the egg, and then suddenly skip back to the action. Read through your work and work on those transitions. And, as always, keep writing.

[Natasha]

Hi Perrin,

Ok I'm not a writer, but I'm an avid fantasy reader. The idea is an interesting one, it makes you want to turn the page. However I think that you should keep your audience in mind. I felt that there were plenty of things that were being over explained, I'd even say a little verbose and a bit repetitive.

i.e "Suddenly, I heard a flap of wings that weren’t the sound any kind of average sized bird would make; no this was the sound of the gigantic dragon."
A sentence before this statement I'm led to believe that the egg is contacting its' mom, so I think it's only natural for the reader to assume that when we hear the flap of wings overhead it is the mother dragon.

On the other hand there are great places of imagery.
i.e "The forest floor was hard and stiff. The trees loomed over me as the colorful leaves fell down and landed around my body."
This is short and simple but as soon as i read it I was instantly transported.

"...but I knew that I couldn’t leave unless I had it If I left it I would be killed by my employer."
This sentence stuck out like a sore thumb to me. I think it's unrealistic to have this character refer to his boss as his employer. Maybe "boss" is too modern and would take one out of the time frame you want the audience in, but there has to be a better term. I'd consider changing that.

So my advice would simply be to bring an editing
eye to your writing and allow the audience to put two and two together.

I hope this constructive critism helps you attain the vision in creating something unforgettable! Can't wait to read more!

-Natasha :)

[Barry]

I would have say a good start. I usually have a problem reading about dragons. To me, they seem over done, but this kept me interested. I would agree with several of the posters: 1) Rework the first paragraphs, it's a bit of a slow start. 2) Careful with the I, and 3) This is small but ask yourself, ask yourself if the words you use would be known to your character. The part that comes to mind is where the narrator is describing the egg, and he compares it to sandpaper. Do they have sandpaper in the universe or time? It's a small detail, but one that can cause the reader to wake from the dream.