A positive message in an advice column

[Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous!]

Carolyn Hax is a columnist for the Washington Post and her column, "Tell Me About It" runs Mondays and sometimes on Thursdays in the Cleveland Plain Dealer. I have asked her by email if I may reprint the column here, and am waiting for a response.

In the mean time, I am going to blog about it as to me it fits with what we are trying to do here.


It seems a well meaning father wrote in about his over weight daughter and how she is dateless, and drowning is self-loathing. He admits to the fact that any attempts he has made to address her not so good habits have been clumsy and not too well done. He feels that his gender is "shallow and stereotypical" when it comes to weight issues.

I love her answer. She does not share his certainty that his daughters datelessness is caused by the equation of "poor choices=extra weight=datelessness" but that it may be the reverse. Her self loathing may be why she carries extra weight (and mind you, numbers are never mentioned, so how much, I do not know)or could have a hormonal imbalance which could lead to this equation "hormonal imbalance=extra weight=failed efforts to lose weight=giving up=self loathing."

I love her for saying "...your unspoken message to "Fat people are broken and need to be fixed' is offensive." AMEN! She later asks him to abandon ALL of his assumptions and conclusions about what his daughter wants, how she feels and how she got where she is. Focus on the loathing he has witnessed.

She also tells him to tell his daughter that she is beautiful and to help her see herself for who she is and address the source of her pain rather than lecture.

"There is no guarantee", she concludes," that she will open up to you. Your best (and most ironic) chance, is to accept her and love her, exactly as she is.


I love that!

That has been my point all along and now a national syndicated columnist has hit the nail on the head! WE ARE NOT BROKEN AND NEED TO BE FIXED! WE ARE WHO WE ARE AND WE ARE FINE!

Remember, I am here for you and you are worthwhile, you are wonderful, and you are loveable.

[Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous!]

The following was sent to me by email by Ms. Hax herself with a note thanking me for my kind words. The column first appeared on Sunday, March 6,2011 in the Washington Post. Any spelling errors are a part of the original letter. The link is the link to take you directly to her other columns.


http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/...


Hello, Ms. Hax:


My twenty something daughter is overweight. Doesn't eat right or exercise. Will NOT discuss. But - if we go shopping together, her physical self-loathing is so evident, a person could drown in it.

What, if anything, can a parent do or say? There have never been boyfriends of any ilk, ever. Believe me when I say intelligence, personality, charm - all there. It's only weight between her and dating.

I would keep my lip zipped, if it weren't for these "windows into the soul" that shopping with her gives me, and for my parental gut instinct that she would love to receive that offer of a first date.

I've tried a few approaches to the subject and failed miserably. I'd happily give my life to see her happy, and I curse my own gender for the stereotypical shallowness of that age. - Someone's dad



It isn't just young people who can get blinded by weight.

You seem awfully sure about cause and effect here, that her poor choices = extra weight = datelessness.

But I don't share your certainty. While it's entirely possible that your daughter's unhappiness is all about poor habits, it's not the only possibility. It could also be that your daughter's weight is a symptom of her self-loathing, where you've assumed it's the reverse.

It could be, too, that an underlying medical condition (e.g., hormone imbalance) = extra weight = failed efforts to lose weight = giving up = self-loathing.

It's also, sadly, not unusual for a history of sexual abuse or assault to lead to eating problems and tattered self-worth.

And these are just a few cause-effect examples.

Being overweight might scare off suitors, but self-loathing deters them, too - good ones, with no "stereotypical shallowness" to blame. There's the obvious reason, that negativity and self-doubt aren't attractive qualities; often only people who already know us well will push past them to get to the charming person within. A more subtle reason: Negativity can be a sign that someone needs to get well, not wooed.

I realize that's what you want, for your daughter to get well. But the only fix you envision is weight loss, and that reduces your unspoken message to, "Fat people are broken and need to be fixed" - which turns your well-meaning concern into something offensive. It would explain why your daughter shuts down whenever and however you address her weight.

Without knowing for sure why she's overweight, where her self-loathing originates or whether she even wants to date, you don't have grounds to judge what she needs - and within each of these variables, there's room for your daughter to have a serious problem unrelated to treadmill use. To see what it is, you have to be able to see past the weight issue, and see her for who she is.

So please abandon all of your assumptions and conclusions about what she wants, how she feels and how she got there. Instead, stick to what you witnessed: the intense physical self-loathing.

Start by apologizing for dwelling on her food choices or whatever points you've specifically raised in your past few "approaches to the subject." Say that you saw how shopping upset her and jumped to all kinds of conclusions, when what you should have done was tell her she's beautiful and ask her about the source of her pain.

There's no guarantee she will open up to you. Your best (and most ironic) chance that she will, though, is to accept her, and love her, exactly as she is.

[Kimmarie]

wow, this really is fantastic advice - I love how she focused in on that her weight is not what makes her self loathing - that there are many other possible issues!

Nice share, Kim! Thanks!!

[Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous!]

I try to find the positive advice out there. We all need to be reminded that we are who we are and not what we are. Everyone needs to know that they are worthwhile and meaningful to the world and themselves.


I know how hard it is to accept yourself for who you are right now. It is refrain on "What Not To Wear" to dress for your size now, and not the size you were or wish you were. Accepting oneself for who one is may be the hardest thing anyone can do. Dressing well (and I mean what is complimentary to ones body type) is one way of accepting who you are. What you show to the world has a lot to do with how you see yourself, regardless of size.

But, you also need to dress your soul, and dress it well. What you wear inside is important too. "Nay sayer's are always louder than yayer's." Narzain said that to me when we first stared dating. I told him that the little voice in my head is pretty loud, and he said that he would just have to be louder.

So, I have decided that since I can be truly heard over construction equipment (I am serious here) that I am going to be louder that your little voices too. I will be your "yayer" just as all of you are mine, and together we are going to drown out those little negative voices and replace them with positive ones!

[A.]

Makes me wish more people had her insight.