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Amina
(new)
Jan 28, 2011 03:42AM
I hope you don't mind me changing the name... I'll read this soon and post comments.
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It's okay, this discussion is urs, you post whatever you want
Interesting... is there more? This sounds like a great tale. A few mistakes I found:“Oh yes Reverend Mother,” more than ever!” She said looking up at her solemnly.
“There is no shame in loving someone; do you believe God is punishing you for that?
-After 'Oh yes reverand Mother' you need to remove the speech marks because the speech continues. Also, At the end of all that I've pasted, you need to add the closing speech marks.
Paquette’s sobbing subsided; she cusp her hands around Mother Egliese’s and kissed the back of it,
-I think cusped would make more sense instead of cusp
Hmm, I will be getting to this. Im sorry it takes a while... I just have so many people's work to get to, just bare with me.
Stuart wrote: "thank you very much...I will make the correctionsContinuation of the chapter:
Mother Egliese walked up to the Bishop’s office, to inform him of the transgression and ask his advice. She approa..."
Very sweet; I'm upset she didn't marry him, and I'm sad for the child. Esmeralda is a beautiful name :D Loving what you have written. There are a few typos with your speech marks - in some places they need to be added and in some place removed. I suggest you check your punctuation carefully. Just one mistake I found (excluding the punctuation) is:
twitching hard as the approached the Bishop's office.
-as she approached
Well done! I'll be reading more soon.
Hey hey! Slow down, I still have so much to read. Lemme finish this off now, then post more
I've only read ti;; your second or third post, but it's about church, lol, I know that much. But I'm wondering what'll happen next.
Stuart wrote: "After she recovered from childbirth, Sister Gudule returned to the Cathedral, and tried to focus on her new life. The Reverend Mother, kept close to her and did all she could to help her. Sister Gu..."left the monastery and secluded herself form everything and everyone.
-from spelt wrong
“Since you have revealed the other side of me to our new pontiff, I will return to my tormenting of the children,
-end with speech marks.
The Bishop interrupted him, “You will have plenty to do with out worrying about those task. I have a boy from the orphanage that may suit your needs well.”
“As you wish, your grace, I see things will be much different than they were at the pervious place I served. “
-about those tasks. Also, previous spelt wrong.
Shed turned to him and nodded, “Welcome Pontiff, we’re glad you are with us.”
-No need for the 'd' at the end of She
Frollo nodded his head and thanked the Bishop then hurried to catch her or chance becoming lost again.”
-read this sentence; it doesn't quite make sense. There shouldn't be a speech mark at the end either.
Again: Good work! I'm on Chapter Two now, but you will have to wait a while before I can read more. This story is getting interesting and some parts are really sweet.
Like mother, like daughter lolSorry I took so long; but I've finally managed to read all that you've posted here. All I can say is: Great job! :) This was incredible. I was really getting the gist of it there... is there more? I like the plot of this and Esmeralda is just so sweet... romantic like her mother :) I hope and and her mother will be able to meet soon... but since she's kidnapped... well, I donno. ypsies, eh? I like them; very interesting part of the story. I like your descriptions; livid and clear.
Of course, this piece needs a thorough proof-read, there are many typos and punctuation/grammar mistakes. I suggest you take a look over it again and correct them. Except for these, this story really has potential.
Again; good job!
Am I supposed to? *mumbles to herself* I might not have read what you're refering to..
Nope :) But it's probably good since this is very nicely written ^
