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Your Writing (J-R) > Josh's Writing

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message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

Josh wrote: "Scissors

That we may be risen up from the shallows —
From which reflects not us
But the heavenly orbs of white and gold —
Like babes in hands and arms, soft, in crescent sleeves
In the latter day..."


It's an interesting poem, some of the word choices were awesome also the imagery you started to create was great. Although, I would suggest creating more of a flow between each line. Possibly assonance or consonance could help out a little? Sometimes I had to go back and re-read a line before moving on because it's a little awkward without a bit of a flow.

Nice job. :)


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

I completely forgot, my favorite lines:

"Let us hold each other up in our greatest utility
And forget not the cause of damnation"


Something about them almost reminded me of The Auguries of Innocence but not really at the same time.


message 3: by Josh (last edited Jan 02, 2011 06:51PM) (new)

Josh | 18 comments Thanks. Hmm, yes, the flow is a bit clunky. Maybe if I do this... Now, any better? I just cut up the lines for better meter.


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

^_^


message 5: by Josh (new)

Josh | 18 comments An illustrated version of Michael Crosshier, my second story posted here, is in the works!


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