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Tell me a joke. (duplicate thread)
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A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
What do acrobats like to drink?Anything in a tumbler.
(Sorry - the corny cracker joke I got this year!)
A man sits down in O'Malley's Saloon, takes out a book, and begins to read. After a few minutes, the bartender comes by and asks what the man wants to drink. “I hadn’t thought about it," the man says. "What would you suggest?
The bartender suggests a draft beer.
“No, no,” the man says. “I tried draft beer once, and I didn’t like it.”
So the bartender suggests whiskey.
“No, no, no--not whiskey,” the man says. “I tried whiskey once, and I didn’t like it.”
So the bartender suggests a glass of wine or a cocktail.
“No,” says the man. “I tried wine once, and I didn’t like it. And I tried a cocktail once too--and I didn’t like that either.”
And so the bartender finally says, “You don’t like beer, and you don’t like whiskey, and you don’t like wine or cocktails--why on earth did you come into a bar in the first place?”
“I’m waiting for my son,” the man says.
“Well,” says the bartender. “I take it he’s your only son.”
Little Johnny Joke time!Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
Money and jobs being scarce these days, one couple, Cleve and Hester (not their real names) decide that prostitution is the answer. One evening Cleve drives Hester down to a corner in the Red Light district, drops her off, then parks in the alley. Hester waits nervously but soon enough is approached by a gentleman who asks, "How much for a f*ck?" Hester says, "Just a minute,", dashes into the alley, and asked Cleve, "How much should I charge to go all the way?" Cleve says, "Tell him it's a hundred bucks." Hester returns to her erstwhile customer and relays the news. The gentleman replies, "That's too bad, all I have is $30--what can I get for that?" Again Hester tells him to wait, rushes down the alley and asks Cleve, "What do I do for $30?" Cleve thinks for a minute and replies, "Tell him he can get a handjob for thirty." Hester once again returns to the gentleman and says, "I can give you a handjob." The customer says, "Sounds good to me--hop in." He drives down to the next alley, parks, and unzips his trousers, pulling out an absolutely enormous cock. Hester gawks at it, then says, "Hold on!", jumps out of the car, races back to Cleve, and says, "Hey, Cleve--lend this guy $70!"
The current pope was born in Germany and used to enjoy driving on the Autobahn at fairly reckless speeds, a habit that he had to give up later in life, much to his regret.On a recent trip to New York, he was so displeased with the slow pace of his motorcade as it proceeded from JFK airport to Manhattan that he began exhorting his chauffeur to pick up the pace. "Schnell! Schnell! Schneller fahren!" the pope instructed, but to no avail. So he finally told the chauffeur to move over and let him drive.
Tearing along the Van Wyck Expressway at 95 mph, happily shouting "Aus dem Weg!" as he weaved through traffic, the pontiff was eventually pulled over by a motorcycle cop, who knew that he had a delicate situation on his hands as soon as he looked in the car.
So the cop radioed the station house, explained that he had pulled over a pretty important person, and asked what to do.
"How important is this guy?" the station chief asked. "Is he more important than Mayor Bloomberg?"
"Yes," the cop said. "He's more important than the mayor."
"Is he more important than Governor Patterson?" the station chief asked.
"Yes," the cop said. "He's more important than the governor."
"Well, who the heck did you pull over?" the station chief asked.
"I don't honestly know," said the cop. "But he's got to be pretty important. He's got the pope for a driver."
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Gotta love them blonde jokes... especially if you're one of 'em!
Mary and Lisa decide to leave the men at home and have a night out together. One drink turns into several, and they have the good sense to leave the car at the bar and walk home. The need to pee becomes almost unbearable, and they decide to cut through the cemetery, thinking that'll be a good place to take a discrete squat. They stumble off in different directions. A few seconds later Lisa, to her annoyance, discovers that she's urinated all over her underwear. In disgust she decides to just take them off and leave them. Meanwhile, as Mary lowers herself over a still-fresh grave, she feels a sharp jab in her rear end and she feels around, but she can't figure out what it is. The next morning, Lisa's husband calls Mary's and says, "what do you think those two were up to last night? Lisa came home without underwear on."
"It was worse with Mary!" the other says. "She rolled over in bed and there was a card sticking out of her ass from the Louisville PD saying, 'You were the greatest. We'll never forget you!'"
Mod
Lobstergirl just blame it on the festive season.
Mod
Well you don't think we're going to put our crappiest jokes here, do you?
a cracker joke my sister got (the american in attendance needed several minutes to get it):who is the most famous married woman in america?
mississippi
Mod
yes, like the holiday popping thing. i didn't know it had other meanings as well.
Mod
Doctor: "Just be sure to watch for any change in his stool."
{Joke courtesy of Freedom.}
How can you tell if the stage is level?The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Canine weather forecasting:Step 1 - put dog outside
Step 2 - bring dog inside
Step 3 - evaluate dog
If dog is wet, it's raining
If dog is hot to the touch, the sun is shining
If dog is white, it's snowing*
If dog is airborne, there's a tornado
*Does not apply to Samoyeds or Westies
Racist, sexist, or homophobic? Harmless or offensive?
Jammies wrote: "Canine weather forecasting:Step 1 - put dog outside
Step 2 - bring dog inside
Step 3 - evaluate dog
If dog is wet, it's raining
If dog is hot to the touch, the sun is shining
If dog is w..."
HA! Ok, I didn't know this was a joke, but I frequently say "what does Weather Dog have to say about the conditions?" and feel his ears.
Carol, we get 60mph and higher winds at least once every fall, and I always joke that I'm putting a dog out to see if he or she gets airborne. Weather Dog check is probably kinder!
Aynge wrote: "How can you tell if the stage is level?The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth."
We get to do drummer jokes?
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, and the other three to stand around and talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.
Two drummers walk into a bar, which is actually kind of funny, because you would think that the second guy would have seen the first one do it.
How do you confuse a drummer?
Give him a piece of sheet music.
What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.
Hmmm... we have another joke thread.The Joke Thread
I don't want to move this to duplicate threads, but I think what I'll do is add a linky to this thread in the other as well, and then close and move this one.
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A Manila folder.