Andrew's Writing- Criticsm Accepted

[C]

Comments on first excerpt of Serial:

First off you only introduce your main character as "I". Now since this is just an excerpt, I'm not sure if you introduce "I" a bit later in your story, but it's usually good to at least give your main character a name in the first chapter.

I'm having a bit of a hard time visualizing the scene that you're describing. First, try to give descriptions of the characters that you introduce. What does Mr. Evans look like? Is he old? What is he wearing? Does he wear glasses? Second, I'm not really sure where this scene is taking place. I assume that it's at a school but since you don't indicate that right off the bat, I'm not really sure.

Try to bring in all of the five senses into your writing. What does the room smell like? What sounds are there? What colors are the walls? Using all of the senses will help paint the scene that you want to show your readers.

The dialogue confused me a bit in this excerpt. I wasn't sure if your main character was telling Mr. Evans to shut up and I also wasn't sure why? It's usually good whenever you use a line of dialogue you put a little indicator of who said it (ex: "Shut up!" Tommy yelled... or... "I know," I said).

For awhile I wasn't sure what exactly was going on. I actually had to go back to the top of the excerpt to read it again only to find out that they were having a lock down. Try to make this a bit more clear. What happens when the school goes into lockdown? Is there a special area where everyone is supposed to go? Do sirens go off? Does everyone lock their doors?

Also I'm just wondering, how did a serial killer get into the building? Did he just stroll in? Maybe incognito? Also, what is this serial killer known to do to his victims? What is the story behind this killer? If the main character knows these things and brings them up, it would definitely help to build the suspense even more. You left off the excerpt at a great suspenseful part though! Great work :D

Did you say that you wrote this during NaNoWriMo? If so then KUDOS! :D That takes a lot of hard work and determination. I wish you the best of luck with your writings Andrew :)

Carina

[Shep]

Carina wrote: "Comments on first excerpt of Serial:

First off you only introduce your main character as "I". Now since this is just an excerpt, I'm not sure if you introduce "I" a bit later in your story, but it..."

Very good critique Carina, I agree with everything you said.


And good luck to you Andrew, keep on perservering!

[C]

Andrew wrote: "...wow. That's a lot of helpful hints. I'll be sure to change it. Gosh, I have a lot of editing to do. But thank's anyway! You should be a teacher.

And it's an excerpt. You really don't know wha..."

No problem! I'm glad I could help :)

[Annabelle, Danseuse de Destin]

God, I agree so completely. Suicide is…tough. And that's an understatement. It hurts so many people, in so many different ways. Some people think it's a way out, but it's not. Because once you're dead, that's it. It's over. And maybe you helped yourself, but you hurt everyone you leave behind. Nothing is worth death. Nothing. There is always, always, always another way. Life is never so hard that you can't get through it. Not if you have people beside you who love you. Suicide hurts. Hard.

RIP, Richard and Kelley. I'll love you always.

[Annabelle, Danseuse de Destin]

Oh, and I promise I'll give you some constructive criticism ASAP. I'm so sorry, I've been so busy lately! Bear with me, and I'll be ready soon.