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Writing > Andrew's Writing- Criticsm Accepted

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message 1: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce Hello. Here is an excerpt from my novel, Serial.

I had just been pushed into Daniel. Mr. Evans has just told me and my friends to shut up.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew something wasn’t right. I think Mr. Evans lied about this lockdown. I think it’s for real. I think we’re in danger.
“Mr. Evans?”
“I told you to shut up!”
“I know.”
“So why won’t you?”
“It’s just that I don’t think it’s a lockdown drill.”
He turns back to his computer, eyes down.
“It’s not.”
What the crap?
“There’s a suspected serial killer around the school.”
“You lied to us!” several people screamed.
“I didn’t want you to find out!” he shouted. “I wanted you to be safe! I don’t want you to die!”
He cares about us.
He cares.
His tests are hard, no make-up tests, not redoing anything. Just a tough, but fun, math teacher.
But he cares. He wants us to live. He wants us to be successful. He wants us to live a happy life.
He sniffs, trying not to cry. “I need every single person in this room to be silent, and we will live.”
Heads nod.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in him will never die, but have eternal life,” someone said.
I’ve never heard that spoken before. I guess it was detrimental to me, later in life.
I lay my head down on one of my friend’s shoulder. I hope this wasn’t going to be scary.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
I look up and gasp. Some people scream.
“I’m coming!” a voice shouted. “HEE hee hee hee!”
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
He was here, at the window.


message 2: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce Here's another excerpt:

Leah and Caress head back to the track, followed by the killer. They join up with me as we huddle around the fence, blending in, hoping to not be seen.
I hear a faint police siren. Maybe it was right behind us, I don’t know. What was happening blocked out everything else.
Alfred had fallen behind, huffing and puffing, out of energy and breath. David had tripped and was on the ground, tired, not moving. Maybe, in his mind, all was lost.
But the killer was the only one alive and kicking. He raised his knife. “Blade, here’s your tenth. And here’s my last.”
What was going on?
What did he mean by ‘here’s my last’?
Whatever he meant, I’d find out later, I guess. My thoughts were blurred by what happened next.
He raised his knife. It glints off the gray sky that seemed to have turned several shades darker in the past 30 seconds.
It comes down, no one stopping it.
It punctures the 6th grader’s skin, and blood pours from the wound.
“Ha ha ha ha ha!”
David screams while the killer laughs evilly. He stabs again and again, more blood gushing from the wound on David’s back. More screams erupt from the bowels of his diaphragm, sound unearthly and possessed.
A few stabs later and there are no more screams. The killer’s still going strong, oblivious to the fact that David s dead; his blood is darker and without oxygen.
What had this man done?


message 3: by Andrew (last edited Dec 17, 2010 03:15PM) (new)

Andrew Joyce Sorry there's no real indenting, I just copied and pasted.

Also, join my Roleplay Group, Ridiculously Awesome Roleplay.


message 4: by Andrew (last edited Dec 18, 2010 06:42AM) (new)

Andrew Joyce You guys all seem to be extremely talented writers! A few helpful tips:

Join NaNoWriMo next November. Write a novel in a month! Young Writer's Program: (K-12) www.ywp.nanowrimo.org Adult program: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Don't stop writing! Even I have trouble with that. Just write every day.

Have fun!


message 5: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce Ingrid wrote: "okay! I,too, am a writer myself who guiltily always fails to complete my stories so I give up.Sorry!"


No prob. THe only novel I've finished was the one I've posted above. I've started several others.


message 6: by Carina (new)

Carina Comments on first excerpt of Serial:

First off you only introduce your main character as "I". Now since this is just an excerpt, I'm not sure if you introduce "I" a bit later in your story, but it's usually good to at least give your main character a name in the first chapter.

I'm having a bit of a hard time visualizing the scene that you're describing. First, try to give descriptions of the characters that you introduce. What does Mr. Evans look like? Is he old? What is he wearing? Does he wear glasses? Second, I'm not really sure where this scene is taking place. I assume that it's at a school but since you don't indicate that right off the bat, I'm not really sure.

Try to bring in all of the five senses into your writing. What does the room smell like? What sounds are there? What colors are the walls? Using all of the senses will help paint the scene that you want to show your readers.

The dialogue confused me a bit in this excerpt. I wasn't sure if your main character was telling Mr. Evans to shut up and I also wasn't sure why? It's usually good whenever you use a line of dialogue you put a little indicator of who said it (ex: "Shut up!" Tommy yelled... or... "I know," I said).

For awhile I wasn't sure what exactly was going on. I actually had to go back to the top of the excerpt to read it again only to find out that they were having a lock down. Try to make this a bit more clear. What happens when the school goes into lockdown? Is there a special area where everyone is supposed to go? Do sirens go off? Does everyone lock their doors?

Also I'm just wondering, how did a serial killer get into the building? Did he just stroll in? Maybe incognito? Also, what is this serial killer known to do to his victims? What is the story behind this killer? If the main character knows these things and brings them up, it would definitely help to build the suspense even more. You left off the excerpt at a great suspenseful part though! Great work :D

Did you say that you wrote this during NaNoWriMo? If so then KUDOS! :D That takes a lot of hard work and determination. I wish you the best of luck with your writings Andrew :)

Carina


message 7: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce ...wow. That's a lot of helpful hints. I'll be sure to change it. Gosh, I have a lot of editing to do. But thank's anyway! You should be a teacher.

And it's an excerpt. You really don't know what's going on, but thank's for the help!


message 8: by Shep (new)

Shep Carina wrote: "Comments on first excerpt of Serial:

First off you only introduce your main character as "I". Now since this is just an excerpt, I'm not sure if you introduce "I" a bit later in your story, but it..."


Very good critique Carina, I agree with everything you said.


And good luck to you Andrew, keep on perservering!


message 9: by Carina (new)

Carina Andrew wrote: "...wow. That's a lot of helpful hints. I'll be sure to change it. Gosh, I have a lot of editing to do. But thank's anyway! You should be a teacher.

And it's an excerpt. You really don't know wha..."


No problem! I'm glad I could help :)


message 10: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce Thanks to you both.


message 11: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce I have an idea for a series of fantasy novels...here's what I think I should start the first book, The Astrions , book one of the Astrion Chronicles.

My name is Matthew Jackson. And earth is about to be destroyed. If me and my friends can't help it.

I don't expect any of you to have this experience happen, but here it is, just in case. If a black star appears on your left hand, following the lines of your hand, where so-called psychics study your 'life line' and such, find a tree stump. Make sure you can stand on it, not some sapling stump. Raise your left hand to the sky. And let your life be changed forever.

If you ignore the star, someone or something will get you. Maybe kill you. I don't know. But changing your life might be a bit important then killing your life. Your choice.

Most of you think this is fiction. Well, it is, according to earth, because none of them see us. But, it's not. At least not to me, or any of my friends.

So, either keep reading and let me entertain you, or stop reading and run away from the danger. Because if you read this, you involve yourself in the danger that I'm in, your world is in. Even if you don't read this, it will get you. Danger always comes, no conditions on who it comes to. It just comes. Luck of the draw.

So. Come read and learn the horrors of my world, that will soon plauge your world. I pity you. Earth used to be my home. But it's not anymore.

Read, or don't read. Danger, or delayed danger.

(Also, if you read, you might be able to find a way to defeat that danger, that evil being. But, I don't know.)

So. Choose now. Put this book down, or don't. Danger will always come. If you read, you can fight.

But- it's your choice.


message 12: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce hello! new writing post! want criticsm!


message 13: by Andrew (last edited Dec 31, 2010 06:45AM) (new)

Andrew Joyce I know the post has lots of errors. I don't think I"m communicating my ideas correctly, or I'm being redundant. Point out where.

Plus, this was a spur of the moment thing. I didn't think about if this was a good begining or not.


message 14: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce Hello, peeps! I want criticsm!


message 15: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce "Darkness," a poem

My room is dark
My face is sullen
The world
My life
My house
My stuff is dark.

I wonder why I'm so sad
So depressed
So sullen
So dark.

But my darkness consumes me
Takes over me
and I kill
my
self.


Stop suicide. It hurts so many people.


message 16: by Annabelle, Danseuse de Destin (new)

Annabelle (mrs-varen-nethers) | 30 comments Mod
God, I agree so completely. Suicide is…tough. And that's an understatement. It hurts so many people, in so many different ways. Some people think it's a way out, but it's not. Because once you're dead, that's it. It's over. And maybe you helped yourself, but you hurt everyone you leave behind. Nothing is worth death. Nothing. There is always, always, always another way. Life is never so hard that you can't get through it. Not if you have people beside you who love you. Suicide hurts. Hard.

RIP, Richard and Kelley. I'll love you always.


message 17: by Annabelle, Danseuse de Destin (last edited Jan 15, 2011 01:18PM) (new)

Annabelle (mrs-varen-nethers) | 30 comments Mod
Oh, and I promise I'll give you some constructive criticism ASAP. I'm so sorry, I've been so busy lately! Bear with me, and I'll be ready soon.


message 18: by Andrew (new)

Andrew Joyce That was a sadder poem than I realized.


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