30 Days (PLEASE CHECK OUT)

[[deleted user]]

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/5...

IVE WORKED REALLY HARD ON THIS! PLEASE READ!

[[deleted user]]

:)

[Edward]

Okay, just stay with me a while. This is on just the prologue (which, as has been pointed out, is misspelled in your story).

The entire prologue has the same problem: It drives the story nowhere. It flounders about. First you talk about "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," which probably has nothing to do with the story proper because you abandon it as quickly and go with the dry "One day ..."

Then you drop right into a completely unnecessary flashback. The fact that they casually met walking the school contributes almost nothing to the story; we already know they met, and their manner of meeting has no important details.

Same could be said of the point of the prologue: their vampirism. Some weird guys bit them, they clobbered them, which make their sires sound like a bunch of idiots who didn't think their methods through. The whole thing could be summed up in Ethan briefly recalling the event during the rest of the story. In the middle of whatever else actually happens in the story, Ethan shortly remembers that he and his friends were sired by a trio of morons. It is a sense of porportion - the event has no importance to the story (other than "I'm a vampire" which we could figure out a hundred other, more interesting ways) so you should only mention it briefly.

Another problem is the description of his friends. Lila is the smart-mouth loner, Dareic is the calm one who accepts the responsibility, and Ethan is the good looking one. It makes your characters sound one-dimensional - not that your characters are necessarily one-dimensional, but it drops readers' attention when you describe them like that. Describing characters usually (not always) falls under the rule of "Show, Don't Tell". Make sure the story contains pleanty of oppertunity, early on, to show Lila's aggressiveness, Dareic's coolheadedness, and Ethan's charm. This avoids the stressed laundry-list description, and the method of how the characters use their natural attributes (Lila might just start throwing insults, or she might act sweet just long enough for the punch to come as a surprise) makes them seem to have more dimensions than just "aggressive".

I can't say much for the story itself, because all I know is that three best friends are vampires, so I'll read on. But I think you should scrap the prologue or at least include something productive.

That's my advice, and I don't even agree with some of it one hundred percent most of the time, so you don't have to take all of it, but you should consider it.

So, keep writing and enjoy.

[Edward]

Okay, Chapter one.

Good, the story is going somewhere. You have humor.

Bad ... first of all your writing style is like spilled oatmeal - all over the place, chopped up, and dry. That will only improve with practice and serious thought. Others will give you better advice than I can on narrative voice.

On characters and plot, I'm in my element, so pray listen closely.

Characters first. In the prologue you describe Lila as aggressive - the first time we really get a peak at her in action (apart from that fight in which all the characters acted pretty much the same) she's screaming for help. Dareic was calm and accepting of responsibility that wasn't his own; now he's an idiot who people probably put the blame on because he doesn't know how to deflect it. Ethan believed in the lack of meaning in life, now he readily jumps to save the world. I'm not saying he wouldn't save the world, just he would consider if it was worth the effort first.

His line of thought is all over the place - it is impossible to tell where his mind might jump to next and the reader has some trouble keeping up, or understand why he thinks that way. It is impossible to relate with a character when you're inside his head and still don't understand him.

Whereas the prologue went nowhere, this went too far too fast. Living in the woods, random stranger attacks, they somehow trust this random stranger, aliens want to destroy the world, you lot are the only ones capable, okay I'ma leader. No pause to consider inbetween. Why would they trust the word of a stranger who attacked one of their friends like that? The woman probably has ill intent, possibly insane, with nothing to suggest otherwise other than an absurd story about the Sucker, planet Z, and Xygon.

The names too, need some consideration. Even if you want those exact names, you probably want your characters to remark on it some.

And they are the only three good vampires in the world, yet there is a Vampire & Human Protection Agency? Shaky continuity, to say the least.

I don't have a problem with vampires and aliens - but I do have a problem with characters' stunted reaction to it.

However, I like the quote at the beginning. Excellent touch, considering the vampires.

[[deleted user]]

Thanks for the advice.

[Edward]

Thanks. If you have the time, I've put up part two of After Dark. I have two possibilities for part three and I'm not sure which to go with. Should I go into Septimus's head or keep his mind secret for a while longer?