Contraception

[[deleted user]]

There are various forms of contraception available today; condoms, birth control pills, etc. We can discuss them here.

[[deleted user]]

This is a conversation I had with Lauren and Amina in another thread that prompted the creation of this one.


Lauren: And just out of curiosity, how come you dont want to have kids Candace? You dont have to answer if you dont want to, i'm just wondering :).

Candace (Amare Infinitum): I agree, Lauren. I don't like censorship in any form.

And I don't mind you asking. My husband had a vasectomy a couple of years ago. He was adamant about not having kids, and I was on the fence about it. It's just one of those decisions we made together. If I was with someone who really wanted kids, I might want them, too. But since I'm not, I'm okay with not having them.

Of course, I don't know how I'll feel when I get older :P.
Lauren: So does your hubby just not like kids then?
thanks for answering lol :P

Candace (Amare Infinitum): He likes kids. He just doesn't want any of his own. It's also partly a health thing for me since I'm so tiny. A pregnancy would be really hard on me.

And you're welcome :). There aren't many questions I won't answer, so feel free to ask away :).

Lauren: I find that really strange, i have never met anyone that just doesnt want kids and wont have them, i mean i havent MET you but y'know what i mean lol. What would happen if you wanted kids in the future? since he already got a vasectomy.

Candace (Amare Infinitum): I would just have to accept that we wouldn't have them. *shrugs* He's really passionate about not having kids, and I'm just ambivalent about it, so I don't know what will happen if that changes. I guess we just wouldn't have any.

The doctor who performed the procedure had to have an interview with me before my husband could get the vasectomy, and he flat out asked me, "What kind of woman doesn't want kids?" I thought the question was a little rude, but I just told him I didn't; which is true. Right now, at this point in my life, I don't want kids, and I can't see myself ever wanting kids.

Rj Amina: wow, thas harsh. dont mind me saying lol, but sumthing must've hppnd dat brought abt these... strong feelings
Candace (Amare Infinitum): You mean my husband?

He just doesn't want kids. He never has. *shrugs* When he was twelve, and he first learned what a vasectomy was, he said, "Yep, that's what I want."

Lauren: Candace (Amare Infinitum) wrote: "I would just have to accept that we wouldn't have them. *shrugs* He's really passionate about not having kids, and I'm just ambivalent about it, so I don't know what will happen if that changes. ..."

Hope you dont get offended when i say i find it strange lol. Its just that...i dunno i really havent met anyone that is so adoment about not having kids. I dont have the best relationship with little children lol but i always still think in my head that i will have them lol. But to each their own i think the saying is lol.
Rj Amina: Yeh I haven't met any1 like dat either. well, he must have his ideas/reasons.

Lauren: We should make a group about this... lol

Candace (Amare Infinitum): I'm not offended :). It's a decision we made together. I think (and maybe this is me being naive), if I ever got to a point where I really, truly, adamantly wanted children, he would consider getting it reversed. But, I never went into the procedure thinking I would change my mind because a vasectomy is supposed to be permanent.

I'm cool to continue discussing this, but we might want to move it to the chat thread :).

[Lauren]

Ok personaly, i want to have kids, way in the future ofcourse :P. And i find it strange that people genuinly dont want to have kids (no offence) so i wanted to know who wants them who doesnt and why lol.

[[deleted user]]

The truth is, I'm still on the fence about having kids. I mean, technically, the decision has already been made for me. I can see the good aspects of having kids; creating another being with someone you love, giving them your love and support, creating a family. I get that; and it's not that I don't want that, but I also see the downsides. And I don't mean any offense to anyone here; but you lose sleep, children cost a fortune to raise, you lose a lot of time, your life isn't your own anymore. Yes, I know those sound like horribly selfish reasons to not have children; but it's not like I'm forcing anyone else to make the same decision I made.

[Lauren]

Yeh i can see your point, i wasnt sure about having kids for a while either, but do want them when i'm older for all of the reasons you said. And plus i grew up in a big family so i want my own big family :P.

[[deleted user]]

I only had my twin sister growing up. We had twin brothers and a younger sister, but none of them lived with us. And I like having my time to myself; and only having my husband to worry about. That's a full-time job by itself :P.

[Lauren]

haha yeh i like my own company too, but i grew up around my cousins who iam really close to and my brothers so i think i want that for the kids i have.

[Gatorman]

I have to tell you, the comment to you from the doctor about what kind of woman doesn't want kids is beyond inappropriate. You should have asked him what kind of doctor would be so rude as to say something like that, then showed him a mirror.

My wife had two kids from a prior relationship and told me before we got married she absolutely, positively did not want any more kids (I was ok either way). She even went so far as to suggest a vasectomy or her having a procedure. We ended up not doing either and have a four year old who we absolutely adore. We decided she would have a procudure after his birth so as to prevent more kids and now, after having him all this time, she regrets it and has suggested trying in vitro for another one. Just goes to show, you never know what will happen or how your feelings will change about having kids. I'm not saying it will or should happen to you and your husband, just that it can and did in my situation.

[[deleted user]]

And that's cool :). My sister had a baby three years ago, and I love hanging around him . . . but I'm also glad when he goes home and I have my house to myself again. I know, that probably makes me sound horrible, but I'm just trying to be honest.

[Amina]

I can see how Candace doesn't mind abt having or nt and dat she's just agreeing wid her husband. It's true it's a fulltime job but then again if evry1 started thinking dat way, the world wld expire :P no wories, I respect ur views

[Lauren]

My mum had one of those things doen to prevent pregnancy after she had me. Then her and my dad divorsed and she met my step dad. He doesnt have any kids so i think she regreted having the fix because she wanted one with him, so i would never have anything done to prevent it happening i think using contraception to prevent kids when u dont want them is safer.

[Gatorman]

It doesn't make you sound horrible or selfish. Kids are not for everyone and all of the things you described as downsides are very true. You do what makes you happy. If that means not having kids, then so be it.

[[deleted user]]

Oh, I have no fear of everyone deciding to do what I did. I think 55-60% of my high school graduating class has had at least one child (and I'm only 24).

I don't really think we have to worry about the world expiring. Considering the current state of things the world could probably use a few more people who think that way.

[Lauren]

Gatorman wrote: "It doesn't make you sound horrible or selfish. Kids are not for everyone and all of the things you described as downsides are very true. You do what makes you happy. If that means not having kid..."

Did you want kids before you had one?

[[deleted user]]

Hey Gatorman, I missed your post before, but thanks :).

[Gatorman]

I agreed not to have any kids with my wife because I respected her feelings on having more children and knew I could be happy being with her without having a child together, but I was personally never against having a child with her. When we found out she was pregnant, I was really happy at the thought of having a child but couldn't tell her because of how upset she was at first. Now, we both couldn't be happier with him. So, I really never allowed myself to think of it as wanting or not wanting one before he came along because of how my wife felt. I didn't want to seem selfish. But I guess I did.

[Lauren]

I actualy think that thats really unselfish, to be ok with not having kids because of how your wife felt. I dont think i could give that up tbh.

[[deleted user]]

I don't think you sound selfish at all. I think it's really sweet that you were okay with not having children because of what your wife wanted. I'm glad things worked out for you, though.

[Lauren]

yeh, i agree with Candace lol.

[Gatorman]

Thanks. So am I. And I agree that not everyone can give up having a child because of how their mate feels. For me, I had to think about the person that I was with and loved rather than what could be. I was lucky that I ended up with both.

[[deleted user]]

That's how I feel, too. If I really, truly wanted kids, I could probably find a different person to be with. But my husband is the very best person for me, and it's something he feels strongly about. Since I don't feel so strongly about it, it wasn't even a sacrifice that I had to make. Though I would have, if the situation called for it.

[Emma]

Hmm, I'm still considering. I dunno if I want children or not. One one hand you have all the downsites: Very little alonetime, very little sleep, constant fear that something happens to your child, discussions about what is and isn't fair, fights etc.
On the other hand you have a child. A person you love so much, you'd do anything for them. That must be wonderfull, as well as scary. Actually, I don't care about the sleep-loss and all that. The reason I'm not sure if I want kids is because I'm afraid of loving them so much. Loving another person so much, that it would not only ruin your life if they died, but could actually cause your own death. That's a scary thought. If I decide to have kids though, I'll probably adopt. A) because I'm pretty sure I cant have kids, and B) I don't want to burden the world with any more people. And a possible c) Asian and african kids are just so darn cute!

But, I'm only 16. Lots of time to think about that!

[[deleted user]]

Yep, 16 is young; and you certainly have a lot of time to think about it. I married my high school sweetheart, and we never discussed kids before we got married (I know, weird, right?). But it's definitely a big decision, and you should make sure you're ready for something like that. I don't think I'll ever be ready for kids, which is a good thing and a bad thing.

With my love of Disney movies, I'd be a great mother :P.

[Lauren]

i think thats cute you marries your hish school boyfriend lol. I can understand not wanting to have kids and stuff, but i suppose the 'right person for me' would be someone that wants kids...'coz i do.

[Gatorman]

Emma, you have rather accurately summed up the pros and cons of having children. I have thought about all of those things before and after having my son, many times.

For me, even living with the thought of something terrible happening to him, I would do it all again. And yes, you have plenty of time to ponder all of that.

[[deleted user]]

What's funny is that a lot of people thought the only reason we got married was because I was pregnant. I'm not generally a snippy person, but I eventually started saying, "No, my boyfriend just wants to marry me." :P

All of my friends have kids (but they are all 6-7 years older than me, too), and they keep reinforcing my decision. That's what I call it, "reinforcing the decision".

For example (and again, I know this is selfish), but I doubt I'd be close to finishing a novel for publication if I had a child. I probably wouldn't have gone to school and graduated. But, then again, I think I'm too young to have kids anyway.

I think being between 27-29 is a good age to start thinking about kids.

[Emma]

Good, that leaves me a good 10-15 years to find a man and fall in love.

[[deleted user]]

See, no rush :).

[Lauren]

haha, thats ironic lol. Well i dont think your decision is selfish. I think maybe by me saying i would not give up kids for my partner sounded selfish lol but i just know that i'm gonna have them so i wouldnt do it.

[[deleted user]]

Well, you know how you feel about kids now; so when you go to look for a potential husband, that's something you two can discuss. I was so young when I got married that kids weren't really even an issue for us.

[Gatorman]

I agree. Take the time to establish yourself first (education, career) before you start to have children. It makes it so much easier to deal with them mentally and financially.

[Lauren]

Yeh, thats what i meant about the person for me will want kids lol. How long were u with your hubby before yous got married?

[[deleted user]]

We started dating when we were fifteen, and we got married when we were 18 (a few weeks shy of our 19th birthdays; we're both July babies :P). We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary a few months ago.

[Lauren]

So you have been together for 8 years thats cuuuute lol. I love when you hear real stories of people who get married to the person they married in high school lol.

[[deleted user]]

Yep, this Christmas will be our ninth together :).

[Rachel (aka. Kaiserin Sisi)]

Thank you for being so candid, Candace. (Pun intended; I couldn't resist) It's wonderful to have someone so open to share their experiences. :)

I do plan on having kids. Two or three, at most, though I plan on using birth control to delay having kids for a few years. I don't see anything wrong with birth control, myself.

[[deleted user]]

You're welcome. I think, sometimes, it's easier to explain where I'm coming from if I give a little info on myself. I like the pun; and at least you spelled my name correctly. :P

[Rachel (aka. Kaiserin Sisi)]

How would people spell your name wrong? It's written right there! (Unless you mean in real life, in which case, it most likely wouldn't be...:P)

[[deleted user]]

I mean right here. *shakes head* They always spell it Candance.

[Rachel (aka. Kaiserin Sisi)]

Ha ha, I find that so hilarious. It's right there.

[[deleted user]]

I know, right? *shakes head* That's the only reason it annoys me so much.

[Michele]

Candace, I totally admire you for your decision. Once upon a time there was no reliable way to prevent pregnancy and biology was then destiny. To avoid pregancy,you did not engage in sex. In the 1960's in Massachusetts there was a guy who gave away condoms. Now, at that time, condoms were illegal in Massachusetts and he went to jail for it several summers in a row. Ancient history. Once upon a time if a guy wanted a condom he had to ask the druggist for one behind the counter and there were other states where they were illegal. The pill did not start until the late 1950's or early 1960's. In NH in 1967 a woman could not get the pill unless she was married. I had to produce my marriage license to get my prescription...sex education did not exist and I had never even heard of a diaphragm until I was over 20. In 1979, I was in a new marriage. I had one child from a previous engagement. I considered a 2nd child with the new husband but I got a DVT and ended up in the hospital for 9 days while they melted the clot. Another pregnancy was not recommended as the chances of another dvt/embolism would be high and make the pregnancy a high-risk one. After much discussion my husband decided he wanted a healthy,alive me more than a child of his own and I had a procedure to make sure I did not get pregnant again. I had not planned on having an only child but it worked out for me. You made a reasoned choice. Good for you. I am very glad that we do not live in the dark ages here but there are many places in the world where contraceptives are still banned and women are forced to have babies whether they want to or not.

[[deleted user]]

@ Michele: Thanks. Not a lot of people around me share your opinion, though. I get asked repeatedly, "What woman doesn't want a baby?" *sighs*

[Annemarie]

"What woman doesn't want a baby?"
PAHA. That is such a silly question. Silly, people.

[[deleted user]]

Yes, Juliet. I couldn't agree more.

[Michele]

Children are a HUGE commitment: 24/7 for 18 years and even then although you are in an advisory position only you still worry...in the early stages you are extremely sleep deprived...your whole life has to take into account your child's needs. There are many women who have decided to forego children for a career and have stuck by that position. Some women have decided they do not have the ability to manage and bring up a child into a responsible adult position. It is unusual perhaps but certainly not unheard of. I have several classmates who chose not to have a child. There are many ways for women to be fulfilled and biology is not destiny. Just because you can have a child does not mean you should.

[Annemarie]

Yeah. Not to mention the whole maturity factor. Teenagers are definitely not mature enough to have a baby! If you're going to have sex, for Christ's sake. Be careful.