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message 1: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Wow, I really like this and I'm planning to read the whole thing. There were a lot of spelling mistakes, so what i've done is copied your story, and added wat mistakes u've made in brackets with capital letters. i really really hope I'm being helpful and good luck wiv getting published =]


“Ellean, I’m getting tired,” Lenzey yawned. “How much longer left in this movie?”
Ellean looked at the gym clock, “About an hour then we’re watching two more.”
“Tell Sara I’ll met (THIS SHOULD BE MEET NOT MET) her in the tent,” Lenzey said, standing up and walking down the aisle of chairs trying to avoid stepping on fallen pieces of popcorn. Once she had tip toed across the field of popcorn she quietly opened the gym door. Lenzey stepped into the hallway and was over welled (OVERWHELMED, YOU MEAN) the sheet of darkness that cloaked the features of the hallway.
Lenzeys’ heart started to thump loudly; there was nothing she hated more than darkness. Even though she was in the fifth grade she still slept with a nightlight. She knew of course there was nothing to fear from the darkness, she was more worried about what could be hiding in the darkness.
Heading in the direction of her class she ran her fingers against the wall searching for the light switch. No luck.
She stopped walking and started blinking rapidly to adjust them to the dark. She still couldn’t see more than a foot in front of her.
Then she noticed something. Footsteps. Quiet, but loud enough to be heard.
“Principal Simons?” Lenzey called. No answer, but the footsteps became more rapid. “Ms Swan?”
The footsteps became faster and more rapid still.
“Who’s there?” Lenzey started backing away from the sound.
The footsteps where close now only about three hundred feet away.
Lenzey ran. As soon as the sound of her running traveled her pursuer began running to (TOO).
She dared look behind her. Her heart leapt into her throat.
Behind her she could make out the silhouette of a person running through the darkness. There was something in their (YOU SHOULD WRITE HIS OR HER, BECAUSE YOU MENTIONED ONE PERSON AS HER PERSUER) hand, but Lenzey didn’t want to guess what it was. All she knew was that they where gaining on her.
It wasn’t until Lenzey looked back in front of her that she realized how short the hallway was.
Bang! Her head made contact with the wall and she fell backward hitting the carpeted hallway floor with a thud.
Her head throbbed and she was aware of a bleeding gash on her forehead. She could tell her mind was shutting down. She stared up at the ceiling for a moment, seeing nothing in the darkness.
Then she could hear the heavy breathing of her follower.
The last thing she saw before slipping into sleep was the intimidating silhouette looming over her.
She saw the darkness of the hallway and the man standing over her, then the welcoming darkness of sleep.

Walter looked around as a steady flow of people exited the gym, finding the light switches and heading back to their classrooms.
“Zack,” Walter called, searching for his friend in the mass of people. “Zack,” he repeated.
Suddenly Zack was at his side, “Walter! Guess what I found!”
“Surprise me.”
“Blood! There’s blood at the end of the hallway on the wall.”
“Ha ha, very funny Zack.”
“No really come on!” Zack grabbed Walter hand and plowed his way through the crowed of people.
Once at the end of the hall Zack pointed to a wet red blotch dyed on the white wall.
Walter inspected the stain and concluded that someone had probably just tripped and bumped their head against the dry wall.
“So what, its blood on the wall of the school, can’t we, like, sue them and get this prison condemned?”
Walter stared at Zack a look of shock painted on his face, “Just when I think you’re as simple minded as you can get, you have to go and prove me wrong.”
Zack shrugged, “I try.”
Grabbing Zacks ear, Walter pulled his friend to the classroom where their tent was set up. “Shake a leg Zack, Nick’s probably still waiting for us, we need to strategize for our tag game.”
Nick laid out a diagram of the school on the classroom table. A small number of fifth grades had been chosen to hunt down and tag the other fifth grades and recruit them as fellow taggers.
The taggers included; Nick, Dane, Walter, and a short brown-eyed girl named Eva. Each of them armed with a flashlight.
“Okay guys,” Nick said, “Here’s my plan. Walter and Eva you two sweep the first floor, me and Dan will look at the second floor, remember the library, office, art room, teachers lounge etcetera are of limits, and be care full, two of them have pillows if you’re hit you have to join them. Got it?”
The other three nodded.
“Good,” Nick said, “Move out.”

Walter turned on his flashlight as he and Eva left the room, “Eva,” he whispered, “I’ll search the fifth grade wing and gym; you look at the first through fourth grade.”
“Whatever,” Eva shrugged.
No sooner had Eva turned the corner than Zack appeared next to Water. “Catch me if you can Walt.”
Walter turned to his friend calmly, “Zack, when will you learn that-” he dove at Zack in mid sentence.
Before he could tag Zack his friend rolled out of the way. Walter was barley (BARELY) able to keep from hitting the wall, but quickly recovered and sped after Zack.
“Catch me if you can slow poke!” Zack shouted back.
Inhaling deeply, Walter ran faster. Walter had a faster acceleration but Zack had a faster overall speed, the only way Walter could catch Zack is if he caught up right away.
Zack turned a tight corner and Walter nearly tripped copying it. Zack glanced back at him and took a second turn this time to the left.
Walter anticipated this and turned effortlessly. What he did not anticipate was Zack to throw Sara at him.
“Wa!” Walter said right before he and Sara collided and where sent tumbling to the floor.
“Jerk!” Sara yelled after Zack as he disappeared into the darkness.
Walter lifted himself to his feet. “I’ll give you twenty seconds to hide again if you like Sara,” he offered helping Sara off the ground.
“That’s okay,” she said rubbing a shoulder that had been banged in the impact, “I need to look for Lenzey anyway, I haven’t seen her since the movie.”
Shrugging Walter said, “Suit your self.”

“Lenzey,” Sara whispered as she walked down the hallway, her feet falling almost soundlessly against the carpeted floor. “Lenzey.”
She didn’t pay heed to the people she could hear whispering in their hiding spots. She didn’t plan on tagging them; she just wanted to find Lenzey.
Then, at the end of the hall a tingling feeling began to run down her spine and she was compelled to look to her left. There was the door to the basement, which was supposed to be off limits to students. Nonetheless something seemed to draw her to the door.
“Lenzey,” She said in a dream like voice, “are you in there.”
Her steps where uneven and her mind foggy, as she was drawn to the door as if she where (WERE) in a trance. She reached out; the doorknob felt it, sleek and cool in her hand as she opened the door.
Behind the door was a stairwell that descended into a suffocating darkness. The feeling grew stronger still and her feet seemed to move slowly down the stairs without her will. What am I doing, she thought in the back of her head, students aren’t allowed down here. Yet in (NO IN HERE) still her feet moved down the stairs, step after step after step.
“Go back up Sara,” she said allowed (ALOUD) to herself. But her feet still moved down the stairs.
As she came to the bottom of the stairs her hand brushed against the damp brick wall searching for the light switch. She found it and flipped on the lights. Even with the illumination of the few light bulbs the darkness lingered and it was almost impossible to see.
“Lenzey,” she said again. For the first time she go (GOT) a reply. A quiet groan came from her right.
Sara’s trance was shaken as she hurried over to the sound
Lenzey lay atop the janitors’ worktable. The tools and projects had been moved of the creaky wood surface, replaced by a sleeping Lenzey. She had a minor gash on her forehead that was bleeding slightly, and her body seemed as limp as a rag doll.
“Lenzey are you okay!” Sara cried.
When Lenzey didn’t respond she hastened to shake the girl awake.
Before she could wake her sleeping friend the voice of an old man came from behind her, “Hey! State you’re business!”
Sara spun around to see a bearded man wearing raged green clothing and carrying a wooden staff. Before Sara could ask any questions or explain herself the man grabbed her wrist, “I asked what you (YOUR) business was girl!”
As soon as his skin came in contact with hers the trance began to the return, this time more powerful and she could feel herself become lost within her own mind. Something inside her reacted, like some sort of instinct or trigger. She stood silent for a moment her mouth hanging open.
“I asked you what you purpose was her (HERE) girl!” The man shouted this time.
Then Sara spoke she didn’t know what she was saying and her mouth moved on its own and without her consent.
The last thing she heard before she became completely unaware and lost in herself, was her own voice saying, “Light, Water, Fire, and Shadow…”


message 2: by Shayla (new)

Shayla (shaylaalexander) I want to get published, but I have a 80+ page story so...


message 3: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Guys, read my stry and give feedbck to pls. my folders in the A folder under 'amina'. pls chck it out =]


message 4: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) to both isaac and amina,
it would be a lot easier to read if you guys space your paragraphs and dialogue. any who how i'll look at all you guys' work =)


message 5: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) My stories too long... it wld b a tedious job to paragraph it all


message 6: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) yeh, mine had sum too, but it got togheter again wen I put it on gr


message 7: by R.C. (new)

R.C. (rc_kinkaid) | 12 comments @Isaac, if you are looking for good feedback, you should look into joining a writing site like Scribophile.com and post your work.

The writing portion of GoodReads is really an afterthought. There is no good way to critique on here and formatting is problematic.

@RJ Amina, I hope I don't come off as rude, but if you want people to take the time to read over your stuff and offer suggestions, then you need to take the time to put it into a format that is easily readable. Pasting in tabs and making each paragraph look okay may be tedious, but you have to pay it forward before some comes back to you.

@Arwen, be confident. There is nothing keeping you from submitting your work to contests and the like or trying to get things published. If you don't let your age hold you back, others won't hold it against you either. We all make errors and silly mistakes; thats what revisions and peer reviews are for :)


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

Its not bad, in fact its pretty good! you should google publishers because it deserves to be read by many, it seems like an instant favorite...
GOOD LUCK


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