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General Fuckery > what not to say in your resume

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message 1: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13815 comments The grammatical funnies reminded me of this...
We've been taking applications for a new bartender, and there are some doozies of not-to-do.

1)If you're going to include a goal on the top, make sure you change it to fit the job you're applying for. Your stated goal "to work in a fast-paced office setting" does not impress me when you're applying as a bartender/server.

2)"Hobbies: Quantum physics, astrology, math. Knowledge is Everything." Well, that's a noble sentiment. I'm not sure it belongs on here. Also, its placement makes me wonder if you meant "astronomy" not "astrology".

3)I don't care if you have a cover letter, but an e-mail saying "What's up?" is not an appropriate cover letter.

4)This is not a dealbreaker, but work on your modifiers. "Outstanding ability to..." can be used once in a list of skills, but not three times.

5)"Combine alcohol, non-alcoholic mixer, and fruit in appropriate ratios" does indeed tell me you know what a mixed drink is. Nothing wrong with it, but it somehow makes me giggle when stated so explicitly in a list of skills.


message 2: by Matt (new)

Matt | 819 comments Proven skills in vaulting over bar one-handed while brandishing 2X4 in order to circumvent fisticuffs instigated by patron and/or pet chimp.

Seriously though, it never occurred to me that a bartender would need a resume. I think most of them in this area get hired because they know the owner.


message 3: by Gus (new)

Gus Sanchez (gussanchez) Exactly. One of my dear friends is a bartender, and a damned fine one at that (Heidi knows who I'm talking about). I'm pretty certain she's never compiled a resume summarizing her bartending skills.


message 4: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13815 comments Everyone else working for us is a friend, but we need someone for a couple of shifts nobody we know can cover.

I didn't need resumes, but when we put the word out they sent them unbidden. And once I see them, I can't help but judge them.

I'd be happy enough for them to just come in and talk with us.


message 5: by RandomAnthony (new)

RandomAnthony | 14536 comments I swear, I didn't know how completely fucking bonkers the general public was until I first had to go through a stack of resumes....

Do bartenders get try outs?


message 6: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13815 comments We invite them in to chat with us, and then if we like them we'll probably set them up to work on a night that we can observe them.


message 7: by Anthony (new)

Anthony Buckley (anthonydbuckley) | 145 comments tadpole wrote: "it never occurred to me that a bartender would need a resume. I think most of them in this area get hired because they know the owner. ..."
My son works in the drinks trade. Here in Ulster, where there is a long history of discrimination in employment (formerly just on religious grounds, now on racial, ethnic, you-name-it), you need to have solid procedures including resumes. The law now insists on it as part of our peace agreement. "Knowing the owner" is the very basis for discriminatory behaviour.


message 8: by Kevin (new)

Kevin  (ksprink) | 11469 comments tadpole wrote: "Proven skills in vaulting over bar one-handed while brandishing 2X4 in order to circumvent fisticuffs instigated by patron and/or pet chimp..."

my fav comment of the day


message 9: by Kevin (new)

Kevin  (ksprink) | 11469 comments once when i was interviewing a guy for a maintenance job in our facility he blurted out "i don't care what they say over there but the fire was NOT my fault!"

me: "uhhh...what fire?"

him: "nothing. nevermind."


message 10: by Julie (new)

Julie | 568 comments Hee!
#2 made me laugh for sure, but there is just something so awesome about #5. It really sounds like something I would put on my resume to be funny. Except that I normally wouldn't be trying to joke around on a resume.

I have had a girl come into a restaurant to apply for a job with no shoes on, which I thought was classy.

Also once, I called asking for so-and-so (some girl who had dropped off a resume at our restaurant), and after the guy who answered said 'yeah, hold on', I sat in silence for a moment until I realized that I was listening to what sounded distinctly like people having sex. I stayed on the line for a few more seconds wondering if I could be mistaken until it just really made me uncomfortable and I hung up.


message 11: by Phil (new)

Phil | 11677 comments I had a guy come in stoned, once. We chatted for a few minutes and I sent him home.

One woman sent in a resume snd included a photo of herself. At least I figure it was her. We never brought her in for interviews, so I'm not sure.


message 12: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13815 comments Oh, I forgot about those. We got a couple of not so glamorous glamor shots as well.


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