Inner Workings discussion

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Essays > rocking

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message 1: by Shel (new)

Shel (shelbybower) | 54 comments When I’m in a lot of pain I rock as though I were holding one of my kids, trying to get them to calm down. I moan. I gasp for air. I empty myself of everything.

What I’m trying to do is rock myself into calmness. Not sedation, just calmness. That’s what I just did, it didn’t work, the rush of it just kept coming. I didn’t try to stop it; I just tried to approach it calmly. There was no doing that, there was no calm.

I wrote about what was happening as best I could, while it happened. A lot of gibberish.

All that pain rolls up from my insides in a column and comes spilling out of my body like fire. Like when you know you’re about to vomit, when you know it’s coming from inside of you and pushing its way out. I feel it leaving my body.

I hear my own voice say, This may have been what you were. But you can choose to let this child go. It’s not the reality of who you are now.

And really, it never was. I can’t identify with the rage any more. It’s leaving my body.

Clean. Clear.

I keep checking to make sure it’s really gone. There is a big hole now. I’m confused by its size. I don’t know what to put there. I think I will leave it empty. I hope it will fill with love. Love for myself.


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

the emptyness is hard to take sometimes. But don't rush to fill it up. Tske your time. Try out some different styles. Let it fill it's self.


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