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Writing Feedback > Something More excerpts, by Lena K.T.

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message 1: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (last edited Apr 24, 2015 08:06PM) (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Alright, here's a (short) excerpt from Book One of my trilogy WIP, requested by Zac. :)
I hope you enjoy it!

_______________________

The sweat ran down his back, making small rivers through the dirt and grime. He strained at the rope. The horse plunged and danced at the end of it, pulling frantically. It had been a hard struggle, and both man and beast were feeling the ache of strained muscles.
The horse slowly quieted. With lowered head, he finally showed signs of submitting. Savird released the rope, and, turning his back on the horse, waited. He could hear the questioning snorts, and the horse's hesitant steps, but he still did not move. He remained still, gazing across the plain. The horse drew closer behind him. He felt a soft shove, then the muzzle came over his shoulder. Without moving his head, he raised a hand and rested it on the sweating neck. The young stallion trembled slightly, then was still.


message 2: by Zac (new)

Zac (zacthesnarkyrambler) | 13 comments Wow, Lena...amazing. Simply amazing. You're writing makes me so jealous!! LOL. I'm wowed at how such a little scene can be so amazing--more, please!! :)


message 3: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thanks! :) They're going to be a big part of the trilogy, I think.


message 4: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (last edited Apr 25, 2015 04:24AM) (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Zac wrote: "Wow, Lena...amazing. Simply amazing. You're writing makes me so jealous!! LOL. I'm wowed at how such a little scene can be so amazing--more, please!! :)"

I'm glad you like it! I'm working on more; it's coming so slowly and feels forced. It's very frustrating!!


message 5: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thank you, Astrid! :)


message 6: by Aiyana (new)

Aiyana Star Looks cool Lena! I totally love horses too! :)


message 7: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
I'm glad you all like the horses! I hadn't planned on them showing up this early in the trilogy, but now I'm getting so attached to them! Especially because I've started naming them....


message 8: by Sierra (new)

Sierra Faith (bookaddict_98) | 190 comments Mod
That was really good Lena!! I love horses.. ((SIGH))


message 9: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thanks Sierra!! I had no idea there were so many horse lovers here! ;)


message 10: by Lena (new)

Lena Morrison (lenammorrison) That's really good!


message 11: by Anna (new)

Anna That sounds really good, Lena! There's something about your writing-it just seems so real! Keep up the good work!


message 12: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thanks girls!
That's very encouraging Anna, thank you! :)


message 13: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
I've got another short one. Please let me know what you think!


___________________________

Savird stood, his hand resting on the ornately carved sill, gazing out the window, undistracted by the vibrant colors in the stained glass border. Servants had been coming and going all day, in their preparations for the Moon Feast, and now the richly dressed nobles were finally arriving.
Far down, near the base of the hill, he could see a bonfire glowing, the flickering flames matching the red and gold of the girls’ hair. Farther down, the men were beginning to come, with them a few tarry girls, and some older couples. The youthful joy, and the laughter, were a sharp contrast to the stern dignity of the nobility, young and old alike.
Savird made his descision. Quickly changing from his royal feast-day robes to something more practical, he slid out the window. Undaunted by the height, he began to climb carefully down, finding footholds in the cracks between the massive stones.


message 14: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Awww, thx!!!!

(It ended there because I ran out of thought... Lol!)


message 15: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thx! I will hopefully have more to share after July, when CampNaNo is over! :)


message 16: by Jason (new)

Jason Hein (jasonphein) | 216 comments Mod
Hey, I really like your writing Lena! I love the style and feel to it. It is enjoyable and easy to read yet not too simplistic in form. If that makes sense... :P

What time period is your book set in? The description in the last excerpt makes me think of Renaissance times. I loved the way you described things in that paragraph! :)


message 17: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (last edited Jul 02, 2015 08:30PM) (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thanks Jason!! I'm glad you like it!

I'm not really sure what time period, because it's set in a different world, but it's fantasy, so I guess it'd be medieval.

Thanks for the compliments! :)


message 18: by Jason (new)

Jason Hein (jasonphein) | 216 comments Mod
It seems as thought it would fit very well in medieval time period type.

Keep writing! :)


message 19: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thx!! :)


message 20: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments Love those!!!! Great job with it!!!! ;) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Yes I agree- your style of writing is wonderful!!!! Y'all have already said it all ;)


message 21: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thank you!! I hope I'm only improving! ;)


message 22: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments Yes you are ;)
Btw I've been wondering
What's/Who's your profile picture of?


message 23: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (last edited Mar 02, 2016 06:46PM) (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thanks!

It's Frodo from LotR


message 24: by Daniel (new)

Daniel Adorno (danieladorno) | 96 comments Lena, excellent work on both of these excerpts! You really do a wonderful job at capturing the feel of a scene: the surroundings, the mood, and the protagonist's thoughts. These are not easy things to capture without bogging down a story because it's a delicate balancing act for writers, but you do it masterfully, especially in such short excerpts. Bravo :)


message 25: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thank you, Daniel! That is a huge encouragement, especially coming from you! :)


message 26: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments I love your story, Lena!!! Keep up the good work!!! I want to hear more!!! You're on to something. :)
And is this your first draft? Because if it is, I can't imagine how it could get better.


message 27: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Thank you!! Yes, it's the first draft. I actually just finished! I'll probably post more excerpts as I'm going through for the second draft! :)


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