Here is my understanding of the plot: - Isko is from a werewolf family, and is possibly a werewolf himself. - He has recently been turned into a vampire, and his family would have a problem with this (nice conflict). - He flees the USA for Italy (why Italy? Can vampires take airplanes, especially long-distance flights that go through several times zones and expose the passengers to the sun?) - He's managed not to bite anyone so far, but he's strongly tempted (good stakes). - Isko's mother and brother were killed (or possibly turned) by vampires 14 years ago. - His family sends a werewolf bodyguard after him. Or the werewolf bodyguard just happens to be accompanying his stepsister. It's unclear. - The bodyguard's name is Toji, and he is possibly a love interest. - Toji is scarred (I can't tell if this is physical or emotional scarring). - The vampires resurface (when had they desurfaced?) - But Isko doesn't actually know who turned him (so how does he know they are resurfacing?). - He needs to find out who they are, and prevent his father from finding out, or else a family feud will restart (this is good, plenty of scope for conflict).
There's an interesting story here, good wordlbuilding, and plenty of scope for conflict. But the story is somewhat struggling to get out and needs more clarity. You have a lot of long sentences, which makes it harder to parse. You might also need to decide which details are important to the query and which can be left out.
- Isko is from a werewolf family, and is possibly a werewolf himself.
- He has recently been turned into a vampire, and his family would have a problem with this (nice conflict).
- He flees the USA for Italy (why Italy? Can vampires take airplanes, especially long-distance flights that go through several times zones and expose the passengers to the sun?)
- He's managed not to bite anyone so far, but he's strongly tempted (good stakes).
- Isko's mother and brother were killed (or possibly turned) by vampires 14 years ago.
- His family sends a werewolf bodyguard after him. Or the werewolf bodyguard just happens to be accompanying his stepsister. It's unclear.
- The bodyguard's name is Toji, and he is possibly a love interest.
- Toji is scarred (I can't tell if this is physical or emotional scarring).
- The vampires resurface (when had they desurfaced?)
- But Isko doesn't actually know who turned him (so how does he know they are resurfacing?).
- He needs to find out who they are, and prevent his father from finding out, or else a family feud will restart (this is good, plenty of scope for conflict).
There's an interesting story here, good wordlbuilding, and plenty of scope for conflict. But the story is somewhat struggling to get out and needs more clarity. You have a lot of long sentences, which makes it harder to parse. You might also need to decide which details are important to the query and which can be left out.
Hope this is helpful.