Updated Query Letter

[Honey]

I didn't really change my intro, so I'll just get to the meat of it. I want to know if the plot is clear and if it seems Isko has agency now. Any feedback would be appreciated!

[Agent and Comps here]

When Isko Silang turns into a vampire, he flees out of the States to a small town in Italy before his werewolf family can find out, but when his stepsister suddenly plans to visit him, he needs to fake a heartbeat until this blows over—except his family sends a werewolf bodyguard who’s all too suspicious about his behavior—or rather—his heart.

It’s been almost fourteen years since he lost his mother and brother to vampires and Isko tries to bury his worries in the dimples of focaccia bread and ignore the hunger pangs when wine becomes too viscous. It doesn’t help that his stepsister’s aloof bodyguard sees Isko as a threat. Because of that, his space is Toji’s space and Isko can’t help himself either, all too aware of Toji’s presence.

Providing security to the Silang’s family daughter on her studycation seemed easy enough after an incident left Toji Matsumoto scarred. So when he suspects that Isko exhibits strong werewolf traits despite the claims and files that says he’s human, he would be damned if he let his guard down just because Isko has a way-too bright of a smile and forgives as easily he breathes. Family bonds always wavered under the grand scheme of succession.

The vampires who turned Isko resurface and people begin disappearing and Isko needs to uncover the truth of who turned him before his father finds out and reignites an old family feud. But he doesn’t know how long he can keep up with the charades until he succumbs to bloodlust and loses everyone and himself.

[Bio here]

[Fiona]

Here is my understanding of the plot:
- Isko is from a werewolf family, and is possibly a werewolf himself.
- He has recently been turned into a vampire, and his family would have a problem with this (nice conflict).
- He flees the USA for Italy (why Italy? Can vampires take airplanes, especially long-distance flights that go through several times zones and expose the passengers to the sun?)
- He's managed not to bite anyone so far, but he's strongly tempted (good stakes).
- Isko's mother and brother were killed (or possibly turned) by vampires 14 years ago.
- His family sends a werewolf bodyguard after him. Or the werewolf bodyguard just happens to be accompanying his stepsister. It's unclear.
- The bodyguard's name is Toji, and he is possibly a love interest.
- Toji is scarred (I can't tell if this is physical or emotional scarring).
- The vampires resurface (when had they desurfaced?)
- But Isko doesn't actually know who turned him (so how does he know they are resurfacing?).
- He needs to find out who they are, and prevent his father from finding out, or else a family feud will restart (this is good, plenty of scope for conflict).

There's an interesting story here, good wordlbuilding, and plenty of scope for conflict. But the story is somewhat struggling to get out and needs more clarity. You have a lot of long sentences, which makes it harder to parse. You might also need to decide which details are important to the query and which can be left out.

Hope this is helpful.

[Honey]

Fiona wrote: "Here is my understanding of the plot:
- Isko is from a werewolf family, and is possibly a werewolf himself.
- He has recently been turned into a vampire, and his family would have a problem with th..."

Thank you so much! This is very helpful! I'll be sure to rework all the details