Epic / Dark fantasy query letter feedback

[O.M.]

Hi dears - I would deeply appreciate some feedback and thoughts on the below query letter! :)

Dear [Agent’s first name],

I am seeking representation for SOUL AGE, an adult epic fantasy novel, complete at 123,000 words.

As the Nameless Prophet rises, gods begin to die. And religions are facing collapse.

Ophera, a mistweaver of the mystic Stormcallers and the Ravenmaster of the clan, receives a dire warning that an ancient, nefarious cult has arisen and encroaches on her tribe’s lands, seeking to convert the souls of those unfaithful to the Nameless Prophet into demonic acolytes of its vile religion. The girl departs on an urgent journey to beg the help of the druidic Lifebearers, in hopes that both priest tribes will settle their differences and stand together against the coming menace.

But the other tribe is also on the brink of ruin, as their sacred Skytree rots from within. Dionis, an elementalist of the Lifebearers, is sent to retrieve a dangerous artefact that might be the tree’s last chance.

While the cult grows stronger, the tribes’ gods weaken and so do their powers as the people succumb to a crisis of faith. To vanquish the unknown god, the clans will have to perform sacrilegious rituals, summon malevolent shadows, and make heinous bargains for power. Or see their religion fade, and turn into the very monsters they seek to destroy.


SOUL AGE contains dark fantasy elements and will appeal to readers of Hannah Kaner’s Godkiller and R. J. Barker’s Gods of the Wyrdwood, blending elemental magic, decaying religions, and dying gods with intimate character journeys.

When I’m not working my day job in technical support, I delve into my board game obsession—mostly fantasy-themed storytelling games—and lose myself in fantasy books, movies, and TV series that keep me awake at night.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
[Author’s Name]

[Fiona]

Looks like an interesting plot with strong stakes and excellent worldbuilding. However, there were some things I found unclear. See questions and suggestions below. Hope this is helpful.

Ophera, a mistweaver of the mystic["mistweaver of the mystic" is too much] Stormcallers and the Ravenmaster of the clan["Ravenmaster of the clan" doesn't mean anything to the reader and isn't necessary here][I would also start a new sentence at this point], receives a dire warning that an ancient, nefarious cult has arisen and encroaches on her tribe’s lands, seeking to convert the souls of those unfaithful to the Nameless Prophet [Confusing. Whose side is the "Nameless Prophet" on?] into demonic acolytes of its vile religion[We already know that the cult is "nefarious" and that they are seeking to "convert the souls", so "vile religion" is implied]. The girl [Ophera?]departs on an urgent journey to beg the help of the druidic Lifebearers, in hopes that both priest tribes will settle their differences and stand together against the coming menace.

But the other tribe [the Lifebearers?] is also on the brink of ruin, as their sacred Skytree rots from within. Dionis, an elementalist of the Lifebearers, is sent to retrieve a dangerous artefact that might be the tree’s last chance [So how does Dionis's path interact with Ophera and the overall plot?].

While the cult grows stronger, the tribes’ gods weaken and so do their [the gods or the tribes?]powers as the people succumb to a crisis of faith. To vanquish the unknown god [Is this connected to the Nameless Prophet?], the clans [Ophera herself? Make it personal.] will have to perform sacrilegious rituals, summon malevolent shadows, and make heinous bargains for power. Or see their religion fade, and turn into the very monsters they seek to destroy [Will the new religion turn them into literal monsters, or make them do monstrous things? Will they turn into monsters anyway, with all the sacrilegious rituals and heinous bargains?].