Query Feedback for YA Sci-fi

[Kelly]

Hi all,

I would like to hear your opinions on my query. I will paste it below. Thank you in advance!

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Norra has dreamt for years of finding someone like her, but her adoptive parents have never allowed her to leave their hometown. Life is hard enough for a teenage girl, and it’s even harder when you have no idea who you are or where you came from. Lacking anything normal like claws or feathers, her gangly limbs and flat face set her apart in any crowd.

Then, on her eighteenth birthday, Norra finally has a chance to travel the world during her rite of passage journey. However, everything changes when she crosses paths with an imperial race called the R’caesa, who claim that they want to hire her to work for their leader. After being threatened at knifepoint when she tries to refuse their offer, Norra grows suspicious of their intentions. Soon, her priorities shift from finding her place in the world to finding her way back home.

While plotting escape attempts along the way to the capital city, Norra starts to form a bond with their other prisoner: a mysterious, shrouded human known only as “the Shadow.” It’s not like she hasn’t heard of humans, it’s just that she has no reason to believe that she is one. According to legend, they had godlike silver skin and glowing eyes, having come from another world on flying ships. Unfortunately though, most of them were killed by the R’caesa, who feared their advanced technology. At one point, when Norra catches a glimpse of the Shadow’s arm under his robes, she notices that his skin isn’t silver as the stories claim, and she begins to wonder what else about the humans is mere fantasy.

Eventually, Norra is able to escape with the Shadow in tow, prompting a large search party to be sent out for them. Their ultimate safety will depend on mutual trust but, even after he’s out of the R’caesa’s grasp, why does the Shadow insist on hiding his face?

Complete at 95,000 words, THE SHADOW OF TARENSA dives deeply into what it means to be human, featuring a budding asexual romance and exploring topics such as emotional suppression and trauma coping. Imagine Disney’s Tarzan with feudal-era aliens in place of apes, and set on a distant planet instead of the jungle. It will appeal to fans of Brandon Sanderson’s Skyward series, while blending in a cozy narration in the same vein as Becky Chambers.

[Fiona]

Hi Kelly,

It looks like an interesting concept, there's some great worldbuilding here, and Norra sounds like a character that's easy for readers to root for. I love the idea of the human being the odd/ugly one (wasn't there a Twilight Zone episode about that?)

However, remember that agents are very busy and will spend limited time on your query, so you need to be as succinct and to-the-point as possible. Watch out for redundant phrasing. For example, "starts to form a bond" could be "forms a bond, "is able to escape" could just be "escapes". Make sure that every detail is required to intrigue the agent. Backstory should only be mentioned if absolutely necessary. For example, do we really need to know right now the reason why the R'caesa killed humans?

You need to mention the genre and age category straight away, so the agent knows it's in her wheelhouse (I presume you'll do your research and only apply to agents who do YA sci-fi):
I am seeking representation for THE SHADOW OF TARENSA, my Young Adult Science Fiction novel, complete at 95,0000 words.

I would rewrite the first paragraph to focus on Norra and what she wants:
Norra has dreamt for years of finding someone like her, someone lacking
anything normal like claws or feathers. In her hometown, which her adoptive parents have never allowed her to leave, her gangly limbs and flat face set her apart in any crowd.

After being threatened at knifepoint when she tries to refuse their offer, Norra grows suspicious of their intentions
I think she'd be more than "suspicious" after they've threatened her at knifepoint! Also, is this the point at which she is taken prisoner? It's not clear.

This reminded me of Planet of the Apes rather than Tarzan.

Skyward series is a good comp. Maybe mention a particular Becky Chambers book that is similar.

Hope this helps, and best of luck.

Fiona

[Kelly]

Fiona wrote: "Hi Kelly,

It looks like an interesting concept, there's some great worldbuilding here, and Norra sounds like a character that's easy for readers to root for. I love the idea of the human being the..."

Hi Fiona,

This has been very helpful, thank you! The examples you gave and rewording of sentences also gives me a great visual for what I need to fix and how to do it. I often get stuck in a rut with things like that so I appreciate it! I will try to cut back on as much of the extra wording as possible, and will make the next version more upfront and straight to the point.

I will also do some more work on my comp titles. I actually used Planet of the Apes once in the past as a comp and backed out of it because I wasn't sure if it would work, so hearing that you had the same idea makes me feel more confident to go with my gut feeling.

Yes I think I know which Twilight Zone episode you're referring to! I believe it was the one with the pig-nosed people trying to change a lady to look like them, calling her ugly and strange. And we don't see either of their faces until the very end of the episode. One of my favorites!