MG Fantasy Query Feedback

[Maria]

Hi, I'm looking for feedback on my query. Thanks!

Dear ...,

Life is rough as an ex-prince in a city where the king despises the former royal family, but it’s nothing Ciel Carmody can’t live with. However, when his little sister contracts a magical illness, Ciel will do whatever it takes to cure her, even track down a cursed artifact that possesses its users.

After seeing middle grade fantasy featured in your list, I hope you will consider my novel, “The Secret of the Sky Stone,” an upper middle grade fantasy novel of approximately 58,000 words for submission.

For the last six months, the Carmody family has been under house arrest, and the only thing keeping them alive is the favor of the High Priestess. Now, the former princess is sick. Twelve-year-old Ciel Carmody, the former prince, searches for a magical cure for the illness that has gripped his little sister for weeks despite Imdae’s long summer days and the doctors' best efforts. Only one such artifact promises hope.

The Sky Stone, though a cursed object that likes to possess anyone who wields it, can cure any disease with the correct ritual. Unfortunately, the high priestess discovers the stone is stolen by a trickster spirit. Ciel risks arrest and the dark dungeons to retrieve the Sky Stone and cure his sister and ventures into the Forest of Bihir to find the thief.

Princess Topaz Emberforge of the dwarves has heard of the Carmodys losing the throne, but no one will tell her what happened, including her closest friend, Ciel. Feeling on the outside, she still accompanies Ciel to the wild magical forest where the human king has sent his guards to find the missing former prince. Even though her friend is acting like an idiot and tells her everything is hopeless, she still believes she can solve the Carmodys’ problems and prove everyone wrong about how powerless she is.

They soon learn that the former princess’s health has sharply declined, and that the thief is selling the stone’s whereabouts to anyone who could pay. The two friends race to find the Sky Stone before Ciel’s sister succumbs to the illness or worse, the stone possesses someone.

Fans of MarcyKate Connolly’s A Breath of Mischief would love the high fantasy setting where magic runs wild, and those who enjoy the main character, Corazon, of Roshani Chokshi's The Spirit Glass will find a similarly tender hearted magic loving child with Ciel. Though this novel has series potential, it is intended to stand on its own.

My short story, “Hana’s Pack,” will be published in upcoming anthology, The Spirit of the Wolf. I have also published articles in local magazines City Social Magazine and Sophisticated Woman where I freelanced before and during ultrasound school. When I’m not reading and writing, I work as a sonographer for high-risk pregnancies at a New Orleans hospital.

Thank you for your consideration,

[Fiona]

My first impression is that this is very wordy and comes across as a synopsis rather than a query. A query is a sales pitch and agents are busy people, so you need to give just enough detail to entice the agent to want to read your book. Focus on the main character and what he wants and what are the consequences of his actions.

For example, here is how I would rephrase your story (obviously you would rewrite this to suit your own style and plot):

Twelve-year-old Ciel Carmody was once a prince of Imdae. But now the royal family are under house arrest, kept alive only through the favor of the High Priestess. When his little sister is gripped by a magical illness, she can only be cured by one artifact. The Sky Stone can cure any disease, but it possesses anyone who wields it.

Ciel will do whatever it takes to cure his sister. Accompanied by his best friend, Princess Topaz, he ventures into the Forest of Bihir to find the thief who has stolen the Sky Stone. But the king's guards are tracking them, his sister's health is declining, and the thief is selling the stone’s whereabouts to anyone who could pay. Ciel and Topaz are in a race against time to find the Sky Stone before his sister succumbs to the illness or worse, the stone possesses someone.

You'll notice that I've left out several details, and I've made assumptions about which details are necessary. You know your own story best, so you can pick those bits that you think are important and add as necessary. But keep it tight and focused. If the agent likes your query, they will ask to see the rest. You just need to get them to want to.