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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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In the querying trenches... any feedback?
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I think this is overall a solid query, but you're repeating some information so it comes across as a bit rambling in places. Agents read loads of these queries every day and don't spend much time on each, so you need to prove your plotting and writing abilities in as few words as necessary. See suggested edits below (obviously, modify to suit your own story and style).Dear AGENT,
WANDERING FLOWERS ON CELESTIAL OCEANS (80,000 words) is a literary
2106, outside Earth’s space station. Alonna, a Hawaiian woman abducted by aliens ninety years ago, is found near death
Commander Wan Xi Xun pieces together Alonna’s story until buried memories resurface
As Alonna and Wan’s bond deepens into love, they uncover a hidden, silent vision of Hawai‘i
This standalone novel blends science fiction with literary elements
Fiona wrote: "I think this is overall a solid query, but you're repeating some information so it comes across as a bit rambling in places. Agents read loads of these queries every day and don't spend much time o..."Thank you for taking the time to review my query so thoroughly! I truly appreciate it!
Here’s a tighter, more compelling revision of your query. I’ve streamlined the pitch, heightened clarity, and cut redundancies. Your original query is strong in concept but could benefit from sharper language and a cleaner hook.⸻
Subject: Query: WANDERING FLOWERS ON CELESTIAL OCEANS (Literary Sci-Fi, 80,000 words)
Dear [Agent Name],
WANDERING FLOWERS ON CELESTIAL OCEANS (80,000 words) is a literary sci-fi novel set in near-future Oʻahu, where alien technologies linger at the edges of human life—think spaceships over Hawaiʻi. At its heart, it’s the story of two women—one returned from deep space, the other tasked with unraveling her past—facing political unrest, ancestral memory, and the threat of war.
In 2106, Alonna, a Hawaiian woman abducted by aliens ninety years ago, is discovered near death outside Earth’s space station. Once a brainwashed ace pilot for a ruthless galactic regime, she has no memory of her human past—or of her living cybernetic starship, the weapon that made her a killer.
Commander Wan Xi Xun is charged with piecing together Alonna’s story. As buried memories of war, betrayal, and a long-forgotten Hawai‘i resurface, Wan must navigate the collapse of her mission and the truth of her desire for Alonna.
Their bond deepens into love as they uncover a suppressed, luminous vision of Hawai‘i—its ancestral stories, natural wonders, and music—hidden under political control. But with galactic enemies stirring, the real conflict is within: Alonna must confront the blood-soaked legacy she once embodied and protect the descendants she’s only just discovered. Wan must decide how far she’ll go to save the woman and the island she now calls home.
This standalone novel blends science fiction with literary and romantic elements. It will resonate with readers of Sharks in the Time of Saviors (Kawai Strong Washburn) and The Vanished Birds (Simon Jimenez). Hawaiian history, the legacy of Queen Liliʻuokalani, the Kumulipo creation chant, and island lore inspire the narrative’s cultural and emotional core.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
⸻
Why this works better:
• Hook upfront: The opening line blends genre and setting in fewer words.
• Less repetition: The romance and emotional stakes are woven into the pitch naturally without re-explaining.
• Tighter structure: Every sentence pushes plot, character, or theme.
• Cleaner comps: No need for “and draws on” when you can weave cultural elements into the final line.
I am deep into querying my latest completed novel and getting crickets from most of the agents I reach out to. Can you offer any suggestions or provide any criticism for how I can improve this query letter?
Yes, I change the "AGENT" to the agent's actual name.
Dear AGENT,
WANDERING FLOWERS ON CELESTIAL OCEANS (80,000 words) is a literary sci-fi novel where alien technologies linger at the edges, yet the story is grounded in the near-future Oʻahu (think spaceships, but in Hawai'i) where two women, one returned from deep space, the other charged with unraveling her past, reckon with political unrest and an encroaching war.
2106: Alonna, a Hawaiian woman abducted by aliens ninety years ago, is found near death outside Earth’s space station. Once a brainwashed, lethal ace pilot for a ruthless galactic regime, she has no memory of her human past or the fate of her living cybernetic starship that made her an unstoppable killer.
Commander Wan Xi Xun pieces together Alonna’s story until buried memories resurface -- of war, betrayal, and a Hawai‘i long forgotten. Wan, facing mounting pressure and the dissolution of her mission, struggles with the weight of her ambition and the truth of her desire for Alonna.
As Alonna and Wan’s bond deepens into love, they uncover a hidden, silent vision of Hawai‘i, a lush, vibrant world brimming with ancestral stories and natural wonders, suppressed through political control. While distant galactic enemies stir, the real conflict lies within: Alonna must confront the legacy of blood that she once embodied and protect her newly discovered descendants from the war she helped create. Wan must decide how far she’ll go to protect the woman and island she’s come to love.
This standalone novel blends science fiction with literary elements, and a romantic subplot to support the emotional arc of both protagonists. It will appeal to readers of 'Sharks in the Time of Saviors' by Kawai Strong Washburn and 'The Vanished Birds' by Simon Jimenez, and draws on Hawaiian history, including the legacy of Queen Liliʻuokalani, the Kumulipo, or creation chant, and Hawaiian lore and music.