Query Feedback- Usurper's Crown

[Forrest]

Dear Agent,

I’m writing to you seeking representation for my 115,000 word fantasy novel, Usurper’s Crown, which has been written as a prequel to the series Dance of Kings but works independently as a standalone.

In the Empire of Watree, five kings kneel to whomever sits the Emperor’s Chair in the grand city of Alern. Here, neither blood nor water run thick enough to wash away the treasonous taste of ambition, a truth the heir of King Luther of Starsign, Prince Alaric, will soon learn.

All his life, Prince Alaric Frall’s main priorities have been getting drunk and chasing his hopeless love interest- Princess Thalia of the East. With the upcoming Royal Progress, Alaric intends to do both of these things in excess. But when his father’s patience wanes, and Alaric’s birth right is threatened, he must search for powerful friends in a world where nothing can be trusted.

On the eve of the Progress’s departure, the Emperor’s exiled kin returns home, and Alaric happily wedges himself beneath the wing of the returned Black Prince. He confides in the man his quarrels, and the two form a bond that lasts throughout their tour of the Empire. But when the Progress ends in blood, and the Emperor’s seat is usurped, Alaric soon discovers his birth right is not all that was promised.

With Alern now in the hands of an enemy, Alaric must hide in the shadows, pulling strings and moving pawns, playing the part of loyal subject. By the end of it all the line between good and evil has been trod upon so frequently Alaric knows not where it once stood. Love, loyalty, and the fate of an Empire all dangle from Alaric’s shaking hands, and the thread is starting to fray…

The book mixes the political intrigue of ‘Will of the Many’ by James Islington with the crude humor shown by Joe Abercrombie in ‘The Devils.’ Realistic depictions of violence and love square a book set in a world relatable to our own, drawing in a more mature audience. My full manuscript is available upon request, and connected below are the first 10 pages of my project.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Jochebed]

Hi Forrest am interested in working with you feel free to send me the manuscripts to jochebedpraise37@gmail.com

[Liz]

Jochebed,

Forrest was specifically looking for feedback on a query letter. This is not a place to offer your services. There are other places in the group to do that. Let's keep the community organized and easy to use.

Thanks,

Lisa

[Fiona]

Some commentary below. Mostly it seems a good query, but it needs some tightening up and clarification.

I’m writing to you seeking representation for my 115,000 word fantasy novel, Usurper’s Crown, which has been written as a prequel to the series Dance of Kings but works independently as a standalone.

Is Dance of Kings your series? Has it been published? How well did it do? If the series has not been published yet, or if it has been published but didn't make many sales, it's not a selling point and I would leave it out.

In the Empire of Watree, five kings kneel to whomever sits the Emperor’s Chair in the grand city of Alern. Here, neither blood nor water run thick enough to wash away the treasonous taste of ambition, a truth the heir of King Luther of Starsign, Prince Alaric, will soon learn.

This is world building. Start with character.

All his life, Prince Alaric Frall’s main priorities have been getting drunk and chasing his hopeless love interest- Princess Thalia of the East. With the upcoming Royal Progress, Alaric intends to do both of these things in excess. But when his father’s patience wanes, and Alaric’s birth right is threatened, so he must search for powerful friends in a world where nothing can be trusted.

On the eve of the Progress’s departure, the Emperor’s exiled kin returns home, and happily wedges himself beneath the wing of Alaric confides in the returned Black Prince. He confides in the man his quarrels, and the two form a bond that lasts throughout their tour of the Empire. But when the Progress ends in blood, and the Emperor’s seat is usurped, Alaric soon discovers his birth right is not all that was promised.

After the mention of bloodshed and the usurped Emperor, Alaric's concern about his birthright seems trivial. Do you mean to make him seem self-centered and lacking in perspective? If you don't, I would rephrase.

With Alern now in the hands of an enemy, Alaric must hide in the shadows, pulling strings while and moving pawns, playing the part of loyal subject. By the end of it all The line between good and evil has been is trod upon so frequently Alaric knows not where it once stood. Love, loyalty, and the fate of an Empire all dangle from Alaric’s shaking hands, and the thread is starting to fray…

The book mixes the political intrigue of ‘Will of the Many’ by James Islington with the crude humor shown by Joe Abercrombie in ‘The Devils.’ Realistic depictions of violence and love square a book set in a world relatable to our own, drawing in a more mature audience. My full manuscript is available upon request, and connected below are the first 10 pages of my project.

More mature compared to whom? Also, do check the agent's submission guidelines. Some will look for the first 5 or 10 or 50 pages, some will want a synopsis, some will ask for specific information. Most will assume that the full manuscript will be available on request, so you don't have to mention that.

[Liz]

^Scam/spam account. Please ignore.