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Ava's Thoughts
message 301:
by
Ava ୨ৎ
(new)
Aug 25, 2025 06:23PM
okayyy, tysm <33
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hey ml!! i js wanted to reach out as a fellow emetophobe to say i empathize and understand what you're going through, and that you're not alone (i believe i met you on another group as well, you seemed very sweet) idk if this will help but i do have a therapist specializing in emetophobia, he wrote a book on it and actually changed my life. its called the emetophobia manual <3
but enough advertising, you can always vent here and know we are all here for you <33
I’m leaving this group for now, I’ll still be on other groups though, (just cause my parents will look through my groups and won’t like everything I’ve said in my journal 😭)
Actually I’ll be on this group still just on this acc
Texted my crush on instagram asking for his number… I’m so nervoussss
Yeah..l he still hasn’t responded 😭 it usually takes a few weeks though
I don’t think he checks instagram though because he never sees my messages and when he does he replies (he’s also texted me first a few times)
One day clean from sh…
It’s not much but I haven’t made it to one day even for over a month or so…
I’ll try to take it one day at a time but idk…
I’ll try to make it to 2 days… idk if I can but I’ll try…
Treyviathan - wrote: "??"I edited what I wrote so it said
Oh um just look up what it stands for
It’s literally worse than a crush at this point…
I wish I could at least be friends with him again…
I hate that I haven’t seen him for a year…
I’m just gonna put the lyrics of songs I wrote in here… it’s the only way I can describe how I feel 😭
The chorus and bridge of a song I wrote last night…Till I’m sleeping in a hospital bed
Some kind of monitor on my hand
That’s when I knew my efforts counted
Kinda messed up but it gave me validation
My only goal in life what to get worse
I thought starvation would make me prettier
I want back
Into that dark place
I shed a couple pounds
Gained them back you can see if on my face
Back when I was at my worst
It was easier
I don’t want back there but I do
The on,y downside is missing you
I wrote this about my crush 😭 I can’t stop thinking about him…I can’t even call it love
We only got a glimpse of us
Not quite a situation ship
Still waiting for the day we kiss
You were killing time talking to me
We’re just biding time till it breaks me
My song I wrote just sorta about my life and how I feel… SORRY IF ITS A BAD WAY OF JOURNALLING THIS IS JUST THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPRESS HOW I FEEL 😭
Blow out the candles it’s alright
I’ve only been living for half my life
Ohh it’s alright
Sink into the pain and let it hurt
I’d delete my history for better or worse
I don’t wanna get older
I was never a child
I don’t wanna miss sunlit days
Though they only came once in a while
Seems like I’ve been a ghost
Since I was eight years old
Effortlessly floating through crowds
Always lost but never found
I don’t really know what’s to come
I just don’t think I’m ready for it all
Another oneeeee (I wrote this while crying at midnight one day lol)I was left with a constellation of scars
Your words left permanent marks
On me
I put up so many walls
I built my own city
I’m handwritten letters I’ll confess
It’ll never be the same again
How can I make it to 14
When it just keeps getting worse
How can they keep smiling at me
When they don’t know how much it hurts
How can you expect me function
If the memories never fade
I don’t know if I want to get older
Is that okay?
So I tried writing a song with only lines I wrote in my diary… so…Every second I’m breaking more
I cry every time I pass a mirror
It’s all madness
A maze I’m trapped in
Spiraling until I reach the end
Another day went by it’s all the same
A blur
Of white and gray
And searing red pain
God what has become of me
No I think I’m actually crazy
Not quite bittersweet
Not sad or happy
My life collapsed on me
I’m my own enemy
But it’s all fine
I don’t really mind
My new favorite thing is pretending I’m alright
Every second I try to stand tall
As if I’m not this close to ending it all
So yeah that’s all I have 😭
One more that’s it I promiseI’m here dying from this unrequited love story
I’m still writing pages but our chapters are all empty
I’ll say goodnight to my ruined pride and all my hopeless dreams
Can we find a way to end this unrequited love story?
I’m working on the final drafts
Your name is on the top of the page
I’m not even in your worthless plans
Can’t keep my eyes off your stupid face
Well now I can say I’ve been to the er 4 times in the past 6 months 😭😭
I’ve googled these weird new symptoms and they’re all life threatening and dangerous… the doctor didn’t care… my blood oxygen dropped twice today down to 80 within 10 minutes of eachothers for 5ish minutes each time… my heart rate went up to 244 and down to 36… I had the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life in my head suddenly that went away half an hour later… my fingertips looked brown… I can’t think right… im so exhausted… but at the er they said it’s fine but idk… medical gaslighting is definitely a thing lmao
Sophia "love me, love me not" wrote: "Ava ˚࿔ wrote: "Well now I can’t say I’ve been to the er 4 times in the past 6 months 😭😭"oh. my gosh 🥲"
yeah that’s just life with a chronic illness ig 😭
It’s kinda scary knowing that any moment my blood oxygen could drop again and just not come back up
The drops have been getting more frequent…
Ik it’s not a reliable source but like based on these symptoms and research I’ve done I could literally die… my oxygen levels have been dropping 1-2 times a day down to like 80… I’ve had horrible headaches, way worse tachycardia, weird neurological symptoms…
Help I have all the symptoms of heart failure 😭 istg I don’t have health anxiety I’m not scared I’m almost laughing it’s so weird… but like this could be serious…
My vitals are ok rn but like randomly they aren’t…
So yeah I really need a lung function test and echocardiogram I had them scheduled but maybe not soon enough…
I’m too young for it to be anything but like this isn’t normal 😭
Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (Terrifier Version) wrote: "..."….
Also I don’t wanna scare anyone I promise I’ll probably be fine I needed somewhere to get all this out 😭
Treyviathan - T.R.⦻.L (Terrifier Version) wrote: "good luck, please get well soon."thanks…. I mean I’ll never fully get well lol it’s called chronic for a reason but yeah I hope this stuff gets a bit better…
