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Ava's Thoughts
message 251:
by
Ava ୨ৎ (semi-hiatus)
(new)
Jul 30, 2025 09:53PM
Oh my god wth is wrong with my parents
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I had this plan in my head that I would start posting my songs, right? And that I would have enough money or be well enough known to sign with a small record label and release an album by the time I’m 15ish… I had the videos ready, I realized I was ready now…
They said no. God I just wanna die at this point… (guys I’m safe though so dw my parents force me to be safe so dw about me ok)
They said it’s because I’m fragile mentally rn and don’t need anything that could give me any external validation until I’m completely better like that’s so stupid what do I do I’m considering not listening to them but I willI can’t have them mad
But what do I do
How do I keep going
This was the one goal I had that was attainable that I could do right now and the one thing I thought I could do
I would make money and I so badly want to get my songs out there
do it anyways. you can sign with an independent label or make your own. I'm excited to hear your music tho and maybe you can help me with mine- but your parents don't get to control your choices just because they want you to obey them, that's fucked up.
I have to listen to them… they’re just worried it would be bad for my mental health now.. I can wait a few months I guess…
I saw a nurse in a tv show and started almost crying… we drove past the hospital and I started sobbing and couldn’t breathe… what’s wrong with me?
I just… I can’t get over him my thoughts always go back to him… we never even dated… I haven’t seen him for a year…. But I can’t stop thinking about him, seeing his face in my mind… it’s been like this for over 2 years now, nearly three, but I can’t get over him
It’s hard to update this because I never feel better or worse or have anything huge happen right now… it’s just the same; feeling terrible mentally and physically, hating my life, not feeling like me anymore, and having so much anxiety…
Hey if your status was about Sadie just to let you know we removed her from the anti-bullying group and we didn't like how she was bullying you guys
Hi thanks, but I don’t really feel comfortable with talking to you because of your age and the fact that you lied about it for so long. I hope you understand :)
I feel so numb… but tired…
you okay?
That's good! We are here for you if you need us ❤️
control partly my emetophobia for some reason and also a big part of it is my last dental thing. It was almost a year I ago and I had to get a bunch of fillings but the numbing didn’t work so it was extremely painful and lasted like an hour amd they kept spraying water into my throat and I have sensory issues so it was really bad and I haven’t been able to go to a dentist since. And now I’m terrified of them, after the whole hospital thing I’m really scared to be in anywhere resembling a hospital room or trapped at all. And anyways, so I’ve been eating a lot of mints to help with the nausea I have from health problems. Like a lot. Like 20 somewhat a day. And with my mental health it’s been hard to do my toothbrush twice a day and well… so my teeth have been getting really bad. Like visible you can see cavities on the front of them and they hurt a lot. And I have bad jaw pain. And now I have weird discolouration of my skin around there which my mom said is a sign of bad infections… oh and may I mention I also have a fear of antibiotics? So yeah. And I obviously need to see a dentist and get fillings or worse but I’m so so scared because I won’t be able to have mints during it and they help how I feel a lot and everything else I said and I’m so scared idk what to do I’m so scaredddddI don’t know what to do
Oh no I’m really scared I have all the symptoms of sepsis or a bad infection but I have for a while which is weird but my parents are worried… it causes the jaw pain and tooth pain if it’s from a tooth infection and the weird skin stuff and my nausea and fatigue have been worse and my temparture dropped again today even though I’ve been eating really well for a couple weeks and weird bruising on my neck even though I never injured it and a bunch of stuff and my teeth I can see them holes in them I’m scareddd and the survival rate of that is 50% and I logically know I probably don’t have it obviously I wouldn’t have survived this long but still wth my parents are scared and I’m just overthinking this and worrying for no reason but idk what if I had an infection that spread to my brain or something? Oh my god I’m so scared ughhhh I’m literally freaking out inside rn and I don’t want antibiotics because emetophobia and side effect chance amd everything…. What am I supposed to do?
And my nausea is so bad and I might have to go to the hospital again for this and I’m scared that’s my worst fear it is I’m so so so scared I just wanna die that’s all
New mindset: at least I’m not immortal. At least in a while I’ll be able to stop fighting and this will all be over. Even if it’s in eighty years, I can keep reminding myself that one day this will all be over. I just have to make it to them. At least I don’t have to live like this for an eternity
It’s concerning that that’s the thought that comforts me 😭
ngl, billie eilish's "lovely" is my comfort song, maybe it'll help
Thanks! I’ve had Camden by Gracie Abrams on repeat lol
lol
I had to have a double dose of Ativan for a dentists appointment now I feel really weeeiiiirrrrdddd
The teeth stuff ended up being ok, no abscess or infection! I’ll have to get cavity’s filled though and I’m scared
I just texted my friend who I haven’t seen for like ever to see if she wants to hang out, I’m really nervous lol
My parents care too much about my teeth
My friend said she wants to hang out and maybe next week could be good! (Her, her sister, my sister and me) she’s the friend I’ve known since I was 1 year old and don’t see often, so it’s more like seeing a cousin lol. She also has similar (physical) health issues to me
I’m excited but also nervous… I haven’t seen anyone aside from family and doctors for months
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "The teeth stuff ended up being ok, no abscess or infection! I’ll have to get cavity’s filled though and I’m scared"That's great there was nothing more serious <3 And if it helps, I've had a cavity filled before, it's not as terrifying as it seems
Yeah, I have too, but it was pretty bad for me since numbing/freezing stuff never works on me lol
Oh, it doesn't? 😟 Is there something they can do about that?
Yeah it’s really weird lol I think they’ll just use anesthesia since it’ll be easier if I’m not awake for it (I also have a LOT of anxiety about dental stuff)
Well if you have a lot of anxiety, it's probably better to be knocked out for it. That sleeping medicine is weeeeird isn't it, where it just BAM, knocks you right out
I haven’t written on here for a while because it’s always the same every day:Pain, exhaustion and sadness
Sometimes a second of happiness that then fades away
And memories, so many memories
That’s all there is now
I saw my friends (they’re sisters lol) today and it went so well! Me and my sister went to their house today and we literally were there for 3 hours and laughed for most of it. It was awkward at first since I haven’t seen them for months but it turned out to be really fun, I want to hang out with them more often! Because of that it was a decent day but idk I still feel a bit… sad. Everything has went well this week, so why am I still hurting?
My dad doesn’t understand how if food is cut slightly different even if it’s cut with another knife or thinner or slightly different temparture or one ingredient is changed or has more or less, or more butter, I will be disgusted, cry, panic, refuse to eat for hours, feel like I can never eat again, and just want to die so badly. Food has to be right, when I get tired of a safe food there has to be other foods I can eat but there aren’t so how can I do this?
My mom wants me to take antibiotics… but the side effects… I would really rather die
Guys I actually only write my less serious and personal stuff in here 😭 I’m never letting anyone see my real journal you would probably be a bit concerned… it doesn’t matter
I just love having panic attacks in front of doctors
Sooooo much fun tooootally
Sometimes I wish I could just die
Rn is one of those times….
