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Ava's Thoughts
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Ava ୨ৎ
(new)
Aug 04, 2025 08:49PM
I feel so numb… but tired…
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That's good! We are here for you if you need us ❤️
control partly my emetophobia for some reason and also a big part of it is my last dental thing. It was almost a year I ago and I had to get a bunch of fillings but the numbing didn’t work so it was extremely painful and lasted like an hour amd they kept spraying water into my throat and I have sensory issues so it was really bad and I haven’t been able to go to a dentist since. And now I’m terrified of them, after the whole hospital thing I’m really scared to be in anywhere resembling a hospital room or trapped at all. And anyways, so I’ve been eating a lot of mints to help with the nausea I have from health problems. Like a lot. Like 20 somewhat a day. And with my mental health it’s been hard to do my toothbrush twice a day and well… so my teeth have been getting really bad. Like visible you can see cavities on the front of them and they hurt a lot. And I have bad jaw pain. And now I have weird discolouration of my skin around there which my mom said is a sign of bad infections… oh and may I mention I also have a fear of antibiotics? So yeah. And I obviously need to see a dentist and get fillings or worse but I’m so so scared because I won’t be able to have mints during it and they help how I feel a lot and everything else I said and I’m so scared idk what to do I’m so scaredddddI don’t know what to do
Oh no I’m really scared I have all the symptoms of sepsis or a bad infection but I have for a while which is weird but my parents are worried… it causes the jaw pain and tooth pain if it’s from a tooth infection and the weird skin stuff and my nausea and fatigue have been worse and my temparture dropped again today even though I’ve been eating really well for a couple weeks and weird bruising on my neck even though I never injured it and a bunch of stuff and my teeth I can see them holes in them I’m scareddd and the survival rate of that is 50% and I logically know I probably don’t have it obviously I wouldn’t have survived this long but still wth my parents are scared and I’m just overthinking this and worrying for no reason but idk what if I had an infection that spread to my brain or something? Oh my god I’m so scared ughhhh I’m literally freaking out inside rn and I don’t want antibiotics because emetophobia and side effect chance amd everything…. What am I supposed to do?
And my nausea is so bad and I might have to go to the hospital again for this and I’m scared that’s my worst fear it is I’m so so so scared I just wanna die that’s all
New mindset: at least I’m not immortal. At least in a while I’ll be able to stop fighting and this will all be over. Even if it’s in eighty years, I can keep reminding myself that one day this will all be over. I just have to make it to them. At least I don’t have to live like this for an eternity
It’s concerning that that’s the thought that comforts me 😭
Thanks! I’ve had Camden by Gracie Abrams on repeat lol
I had to have a double dose of Ativan for a dentists appointment now I feel really weeeiiiirrrrdddd
The teeth stuff ended up being ok, no abscess or infection! I’ll have to get cavity’s filled though and I’m scared
I just texted my friend who I haven’t seen for like ever to see if she wants to hang out, I’m really nervous lol
My parents care too much about my teeth
My friend said she wants to hang out and maybe next week could be good! (Her, her sister, my sister and me) she’s the friend I’ve known since I was 1 year old and don’t see often, so it’s more like seeing a cousin lol. She also has similar (physical) health issues to me
I’m excited but also nervous… I haven’t seen anyone aside from family and doctors for months
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "The teeth stuff ended up being ok, no abscess or infection! I’ll have to get cavity’s filled though and I’m scared"That's great there was nothing more serious <3 And if it helps, I've had a cavity filled before, it's not as terrifying as it seems
Yeah, I have too, but it was pretty bad for me since numbing/freezing stuff never works on me lol
Oh, it doesn't? 😟 Is there something they can do about that?
Yeah it’s really weird lol I think they’ll just use anesthesia since it’ll be easier if I’m not awake for it (I also have a LOT of anxiety about dental stuff)
Well if you have a lot of anxiety, it's probably better to be knocked out for it. That sleeping medicine is weeeeird isn't it, where it just BAM, knocks you right out
I haven’t written on here for a while because it’s always the same every day:Pain, exhaustion and sadness
Sometimes a second of happiness that then fades away
And memories, so many memories
That’s all there is now
I saw my friends (they’re sisters lol) today and it went so well! Me and my sister went to their house today and we literally were there for 3 hours and laughed for most of it. It was awkward at first since I haven’t seen them for months but it turned out to be really fun, I want to hang out with them more often! Because of that it was a decent day but idk I still feel a bit… sad. Everything has went well this week, so why am I still hurting?
My dad doesn’t understand how if food is cut slightly different even if it’s cut with another knife or thinner or slightly different temparture or one ingredient is changed or has more or less, or more butter, I will be disgusted, cry, panic, refuse to eat for hours, feel like I can never eat again, and just want to die so badly. Food has to be right, when I get tired of a safe food there has to be other foods I can eat but there aren’t so how can I do this?
My mom wants me to take antibiotics… but the side effects… I would really rather die
Guys I actually only write my less serious and personal stuff in here 😭 I’m never letting anyone see my real journal you would probably be a bit concerned… it doesn’t matter
I just love having panic attacks in front of doctors
My dad said I can’t have anorexia… he thinks it’s all sensory issues and my chronic nausea… I explained and he gets it but idk I never talk about how the reason I was starving wasn’t because I didn’t like foods it was because I starved myself because I hate my body so damn much
I want to…l said I would stop it I wrote it on my list of goals for this month… but I can’t even make it one day… im just struggling so much rn…. Idk what to do but idk how to fight the temptation despite trying to stop… well idk
Some days I wish I could list everything bad in my life and everything bad that’s happened but it feels like attention seeking and annoying…
So much for recoveringI just googled bmi calculator took a quiz of what diet is right for me and researched about losing weight…. Help 😭
I’m eating as much as possible still rn but……..
I was able to lose weight… well I still have it but like I want it to get bad again so I can look better and lose weight and ig it is it I’m eating and I shouldn’t and will to avoid the hospital but like it’s so hard and I’m so fat now and gaining weight and I should starve myself again and idk what to do ughhhh and I just I want it to be like how it was again, when I ate 400 calories a day and that’s not healthy but idc and I’m eating as much as I can but idk and I don’t want to go back but do I care???
And it’s just I feel like I’m drowning and I’m just…. I wasn’t extremely underweight with the ed anyways, my bmi was 16.8… it’s 18 now… I’m fat and ugly and worthless…. I should go back to how I was…. But I won’t… I won’t…. Right?
I can’t vent in any other groups because that feels like attention seeking and I feel alone still when I vent in here but it is what it is… like yes if someone in the melojax fam saw this they would be like no you can always vent us but idk it feels like I’m venting too much
Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "I can’t vent in any other groups because that feels like attention seeking and I feel alone still when I vent in here but it is what it is… like yes if someone in the melojax fam saw this they woul..."not to prove your point.. but you can always vent to us! we love you and are here for you, and dont worry you arent venting too much. i want to listen to you, and i want to help you feel better, and i care a lot about you, so don't worry, you can always rant 🤍
Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "And it’s just I feel like I’m drowning and I’m just…. I wasn’t extremely underweight with the ed anyways, my bmi was 16.8… it’s 18 now… I’m fat and ugly and worthless…. I should go back to how I wa..."your not fat or ugly ava! i know you dont feel great about your weight, but your not fat! your not worthless. you are one of the most beautiful (inside and outside, and i mean it) and kindest person ive ever met
minnie |hiatus| {zoey bias} wrote: "Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "I can’t vent in any other groups because that feels like attention seeking and I feel alone still when I vent in here but it is what it is… like yes if someone in the melojax fam saw..."I PREDICTED THE FUTURE! But anyways thank you so much <3
minnie |hiatus| {zoey bias} wrote: "Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "And it’s just I feel like I’m drowning and I’m just…. I wasn’t extremely underweight with the ed anyways, my bmi was 16.8… it’s 18 now… I’m fat and ugly and worthless…. I should go b..."aww thank you so muchhh you are literally the sweetest person 🤍
Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "minnie |hiatus| {zoey bias} wrote: "Ava ୨ৎ wrote: "I can’t vent in any other groups because that feels like attention seeking and I feel alone still when I vent in here but it is what it is… like y..."of course <3 i know ive said it before and ill say it again. you can always vent. ill always have a lsitening ear for you im here for u you aren't alone 🤍
