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Ava's Thoughts
message 201:
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Ava ୨ৎ (semi-hiatus)
(new)
Jul 19, 2025 07:09PM
Thanks I get it…
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Thanks but I’m not Christian <3
Please I can’t live like this anymore
Why do they want me to live? Why do they care? Just because that’s what they’re forced to do? I know they’d be happier without me
I’m a monster, a horrible, horrible, person who deserves nothing
I don’t know if it’s the new medicine they gave me, the stress, the being kept here for almost a week, the not getting enough food, the lack of control or just me, being a horrible, out of control person
Babes what happened?
I have to calm down but they start talking and I break down
aly wrote: "Ava I may not be incredibly close with you but having spoken to you on many occasions and gotten to know you fairly well, I can say with full certainty that you are not a monster or a horrible pers..."Thank you so much <3
~Mila~ wrote: "Babes what happened?"I’m in the hospital for not eating enough, and everything is just terrible and I keep freaking out and crying and screaming now after five days of being ok here I’m so trapped and I have no control, they’re starving me because I hate the foods they give me so I can’t eat them and I have so much anxiety and I feel guilty for getting upset and having panic attacks so bad I end up on the floor, and everything is so messed up
And my physical symptoms have been worse today too
Are you okay? We're here for you, and everyone felt like that at some point in their lives.
Thanks, and I honestly don’t know at this point…
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "~Mila~ wrote: "Babes what happened?"I’m in the hospital for not eating enough, and everything is just terrible and I keep freaking out and crying and screaming now after five days of being ok her..."
Okay. I’m not going to tell you to breath or calm down because I know how it feels with people always saying that and Ik it doesn’t help so I’m gonna give you some hopefully good advice.
Your gonna be okay. I’m confident in that you are a great person and you can power through. You shouldn’t feel bad or guilty for having panic attacks if anyone makes you feel that way they should just fuck off. Everything you're feeling is valid the way your acting is okay. I can’t say this is just a phase cuz it isn’t.
I don’t know if this’ll help but when u feel a panic attack coming on focus on a spot on the wall and count down from 100 this doesn’t help me but it’s helped my friend through his panic attacks. If that doesn’t work close your eyes and make up a story in your brain it might work for you.
No matter what. Don’t let go. Your worth it your worth everything. You are an amazing, beautiful, and talented human being.
If u need anything I’m here at any time just chat me and I’ll respond. I love u pooks.
Thank you so so much for that it really means a lot <33
(yess i 100% agree w evrything mila said)and pls ava no, u are NOT a monster. u are not horrible. u r kind, caring, and thoughtful, and Istg I’m not just saying that. I’ve seen how much u care abt other people, how much luv and support u pour into evryone else, even when u're hurting urself. That is NOT smth a horrible person could EVER EVER do.
ik everything feels heavy and unbearable rn. u feel u're stuck in a nightmare u can't escape. But pls PLSSS hold on. This ISN'T forever. Even if it doesn’t feel like it now, there will be a time where u can breathe again without feeling crushed.
and u HAVE to knw the world is smm better with u in it. Even on ur hardest days. u r needed ava. u re loved.u are so important. Not for what u do, or how strong u r, but simply because u’re YOU.
So just stay. pls. get through this. ik u cn. ur like so strong bro u cn do this. Pls. Jus one breath at a time, ok. I’m here. we'er all here 4 u. And we re not letting u go.
Thank you so much <333 you are really the nicest person!
ofcc! <333 and u're honestly 1 of the nicest ppl ik aswl 💖💖
ava i hope you are doing better and ilysm and im so sorry about all that your going through!!
i know it’s not long but i’m here for you always and YOU ARE SO SPECIAL you got this and you are so strong i love you and so many more people do too
Tysm that means a lot <33
of course girl you’re so sweet and i’m always here for you 💓
Haven’t updated this for a while… I haven’t felt right since I got home… random things cause so much anxiety for me idk why, I literally had an almost panic attack because my pillow didn’t feel right………. All I know is I’m never going back go the hospital idc what happens
Everything is wrong everything is falling apart nothing is fine how can I come back from this?
I’m gonna try to write poemOne sentence
Two tears
No more mentions
Three new fears
Four years of denial
Five more to recover
I now remember I was hoping
I’d make it to the summer
Six days in the hospital
Still not nearly better
Seven ways that you broke
Eight years old I didn’t know better
It’s not a pretty poem but it’s the first I’ve written 😭😭
Song ideaI bet you’ve moved on
I was just some stupid friend
I bet you’ve forgotten me
The person that controlled to no end
I bet you have you’re own people, I bet you have you’re own like now
I don’t want it to be like this I don’t wanna be still in my head in my head
I’m still cryin in my room
I’m still flooded with guilt
I’m still not over you
Can’t decide whether to curse you’re name or come running back to you
But I given this what you’d do
Ugh why can’t I get over that one friend? She was so horrible to me, she manipulated me, hurt me mentally and physically, excluded me but would give me one good day a month so we’d stay friends, she let that one person do what they did. She was the reason for this eating thing, I know it deep inside. “You can’t hang out with us, you won’t fit through this tiny thing we’re climbing through” she said after building a blackberry bush wall so the only way into the spot it a tiny tunnel that I was too big for. Picking apart how I looked, how I dressed. I was too fat, I was wearing too much makeup, my clothes were too fancy or something. Because I’m straight there was something wrong with me. Yes, you read that right. She pretty much bullied me for being straight
But I still miss her and hate her and can’t move past it. I can’t. I left that school a year and a half ago. I tried to move on. I can’t.
Maybe it’s how much I hate her, how hurt I am, I don’t quite know
Nothing is wrong today, nothing bad is happening, nothing bad has happened, I’m holding it together. But I still feel like I’m breaking apart.
I wrecked everything. Now I feel like I don’t want to be alive. But it wasn’t even irl wth is wrong with me
Ava, so i saw the whole convo and wht u said on badass queens n monarchs gc and I know ur heart and I know u'd NEVER try to hurt anyone intentionally.ik it was a misunderstanding and u were tryna overexplain urself. I didn't see the full convo on whichever group that what u said was on. but ur genuinely such a sweet person, so yh i KNOW u didnt mean that, whtever it was.
Dw im gonna try talking to nora, and try explaining tht u didnt mean it <3
(also wht group was this on?)
some people are jackasses and rude sons of bitches who get mad at something if it doesn't align with them. don't pay them no mind. it's obvious who cares and who doesn't. if people wanna bitch around, let em because they'll fall flat sooner or later.
Ok thanks, I just don’t understand because I never can tell what I did wrong, I was trying to explain so they wouldn’t be mad not trying to argue and they didn’t get it so I shared my experiences that shaped my way of thinking but they got mad and I need to know how to do better
For some reason tiny things affect me a lot. Random crap on gr, a tiny argument with someone in my family, my clothes feeling uncomfortable, food not tasting right, all of it feels like the world is ending and I hate it, I really do
I’m too young to feel this way
I’m sure you already know this but it’s really it’s unhealthy to hate yourself. I get that you feel uncomfortable with parts of your self, but try not to be too hard on yourself. I also am really affected by tiny details. Sometimes when something goes wrong or just deviates from expectation I total freak out and as you put it, it feels like the world is crashing down. What your going through is really tough, but know that there are people you can talk to 🤍
Thank you so much that really means a lot to me <3
Hey I'm just letting you know I forgive you but I hope you can forgive me also
As someone who constantly hates myself and thinks I'm doing everything wrong, I feel what you do. I have ADHD and I'm bipolar and I get easily angered or emotional about small things. I hate being sensitive but sometimes it's an advantage, you just got wait for the right time to use it.
Yeah I really relate to that
