Journaling discussion
Journals
>
Ava's Thoughts
message 151:
by
Ava ୨ৎ (semi-hiatus)
(new)
Jul 08, 2025 07:51PM
It’s hard to explain
reply
|
flag
I wrote another song (idk why I always put them in here but it helps I guess)I’d break just like dynamite
I’d scream like I was on fire
I’d hurt everyone I love
The guilt would tear me apart
And now I’m screaming in silence
And now I’m sitting there shaking
Prechorus
Everyone blamed me for exploding
Bottling up everything inside
Everyone hates when I get angry
Now I’ve learned to only hate my—
Self
Cause—
Can’t—
You—
See
Chorus
’Cause now I’m imploding, can’t you see I’m so broken
A million times I screamed your name
The glass that holds me is splintering
And now
And now
I’m bleeding
Verse 2
My thoughts are laced with poison
But I only wanna give it to myself
My new perfect way of coping
Is directing my anger to myself
And now I’m crying but alone
And now I wish you all well
Prechorus
Everyone blamed me for exploding
Bottling up everything inside
Everyone hates when I get angry
Now I’ve learned to only hate my—
Self
Cause—
Can’t—
You—
See
Chorus
’Cause now I’m imploding, can’t you see I’m so broken
A million times I screamed your name
The glass that holds me is splintering
And now
And now
I’m bleeding
Sooo my blood oxygen has been going down to 70% for somewhat long amounts of time while sleeping… I’m a bit scared lol
…and it’s not supposed to go below 90
I’ve gone to the hospital for low blood oxygen before, and it went back up, but last night I had 45 minutes below 90% most of which was at 70%… idk what to do 😭
Ok it’s at 95 right now so I’m ok
Avaaa omg pls don’t ignore that 70% for that long is actually srsly rlllly dangerous. Ik u’ve been to the hospital for this b4 but 45 mins that low?? that’s not something u can just hope goes away. pls pls tell someone. like fr this isn’t just anxiety or smth, it’s ur body literally struggling. That’s how people pass out, damage organs, or worse. pls don’t wait till it gets worse. Don’t wait until u collapse or it becomes something permanent. atp u actually HAVE to tell someone or smth serious can happen. im not sayin this to scare u, im syain it bc i dont want anything bad happening to u 💗
I’ve talked to my parents about it, yeah thanks, we’ll try to tell my doctor, we think it’s related to dysautonomia which I have an almost diagnosis of, but I don’t know… it’s been too nights in a row
do u think it could be bc of u not eating? and also thts rlly good u told ur parents :) yh dysautonomia totally makes sense with all u’ve been describing. but im just sayin that may be the cause, but not eating enough can still make things way worse yk? Ur body literally needs fuel to fight this stuff.
Yeah it’s probably related
I do have a bunch of other stuff though
oh dang i hope everythin goes well 4 u
but like mayb u should start eating a bit more atleast. migh thelp
WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK IM FINE WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND
I’m so done with acting fine… but I can’t let people worry
no ppl would rather worry, wht happened ava? r they not takin u srsly or smth?
I just… well this explains it kind of sorry it doesn’t make much sense My mom literally was writing a post about how it was so hard with my symptoms and not doing stuff but things are better now and yes I’ve gotten some symptoms a bit under control but still and now I’m in a good place right now and reclaiming my life and that it’s not the same but it’ll work. What the heck. No, things are not better, mentally things are a million times worse. And just because I don’t scream or cry out loud anymore she thinks my mental health is good. No I’m not exploding anymore; I’m imploding. I’m not okay, I’m faking it, I’m breaking inside now. I’m turning my anger to myself now. She doesn’t get it. She never will.
oh ava im sry. the imploding part is like so real tho. Bc I know that feeling. When everything’s silent but inside it’s like u’re screaming without a sound. And nobody sees it. And ur just slowly being like eaten away, crumbling., and breaking.But ava, tht quiet kind of hurting? It’s the most dangerous kind. And I’m begging u, don’t keep carrying it like this. just bc u’re quiet now doesn’t mean u’re okay. Just bc ur pain is hidden doesn’t mean it isn’t serious.
I know it’s terrifying, but Ava pls go up to ur mum. Tell her anywy even if u think she won’t get it. Even if it feels like u’ll fall apart trying to explain. Go up to her and look her in the eye and say “I’m not okay! I’m still not okay! I’ve just gotten better at hiding it. And I need help pls.” That one sentence could change everything.
Bc mayb she doesn’t see it yet. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. Sometimes ppl just don’t realise wht’s behind the quiet. But if u tell her the truth, not what u think she wants to hear, but the truth, she might finally see it. She might finally fight for u the way u’ve been fighting silently all this time.
Also the way u’re feeling now? It won’t last forever, even if ur brain swears it will. There’s more 4 u. More good days. more healing. More ppl who will actually see u. But u’ve gotta take that step! Please!
Dont think ur doin this bc u’re giving up or smth, but becuse u’re fighting to stay!
Girl this aint weakness or anythin. U r so strong for still being here, for still breathing through this weight. But u don’t have to do this alone anymore. U rlly shouldnt
There is more than jus pain. But u have to let someone into the dark with u. Let them care. Let them help u find ur way back out. Pleass. 💗
Pls try bc the right words to the right person at right time, they cn might change EVERYTTHING. So sttart with ur mum. Even if ur voice shakes. Even if you cry. Just say it. U have to be heard.
Thank you so much 💕 that really means a lot to me to hear
ofcc, u’re welcome 💗 but pls just try yh? 4 ur own good xd. 💕 💕
ok... i hope u mean tht 😁
If anyone wants to know exactly how I feel listen to Camden by Gracie Abrams and block me out and hard to sleep and unsteady
well I thought things couldn't get worse but I'm very wrong
but there was a miscommunication that could have been avoided, and I cried so easily it's stupidand then we're talking about something and it was causing me a lot ot anxiety and making me mad and i was getting a bit upset not much and then my sister was mad and then I was so guilty I scratched myself... my mom saw and now she's crying and I feel so guilty
I thought I was an extrovert, I just got bored easily… I’m actually an introvert… except I’m not allowed to spend time in my room and I have no privacy or alone time whatsoever because my parents are “worried about me”
Ohhh and they love to blame all my problems on goodreads and stuff as if I can’t think of things myself… and this is my one way of coping
I’m so done what am I supposed to do
Ok so u did ask for help. u did try to speak up at the doctors. u did try to find ur own coping strategies. But they keep blocking u , not bc u don’t deserve help, BUT becuse they’re scared. And instead of being honest abt their fear, they r controlling everything around u.and still tht’s not care. That’s harm, even if they don’t realise it.
And the thing tht happened with ur mom? Ik that guilt is crushing u. But pls hear this, u didn’t hurt her. u showed her u’re hurting. That’s not the same thing. Her tears don’t mean u’ve failed her or smth, they mean she finally saw something real, smth she can’t ignore.
So heres wht u do:
U tell the truth. Again and again, if u hv to. Not just the tears or the silence or scratchin, but the ACTUAL truth.
u tell ur mum “I’m not safe mentally. I need real support. I need to talk to someone who isn’t u. I need to be allowed to speak at my own appointments. I need my privacy, or I’ll break even more.”
And even if ur parents won’t listen right now, plssss don’t stop talking. Keep telling someone. someone who’s trained to actually help?
And if they blame Goodreads say this: “This is where I feel seen. This is where I’ve found ppl who listen.”
U need this space and help ava. This is ur life. This is ur brain. This is ur pain. and it all matters.
I’ve realized now that I was trying so hard to hide how I felt, but eventually my mom found out, and it was okay. Thank you so much for that <3
awh im sooooo glad and happy 4 u xd, ur welcome <3333
Welll… 3rd hospital visit this year….
Still waiting to see a doctor of course, very bored, and listening to Camden on repeat because it helps my anxiety for some reason 😭
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "My parents say they care so much about my mental health and they never let me be alone or have privacy to protect me and try to be supportive but they don’t let me do the things that help me, or wh..."So when I wrote that I was mad and upset but I’ve realized my parents care about me a lot and I just wasn’t asking for help I guess… so I was wrong
Anyways this is the weirdest hospital visit because I don’t feel that bad compared to normal… but my temperatures been so low and I’m probably a bit dehydrated and barely eating so… my parents try to get me to eat but idk
I saw a doctor and a few other people I am a mystery to everyone because I have so many random symptoms that make no sense… not to mention the mental stuff 😭
They’re admitting me overnight…
They tried (and failed) to do a blood test but they did an ekg at least mainly I’m just soooo boredddd
My doctors really worried she wants to give a feeding tube I’m scared
She’s now talking to my mom in private to she won’t scare me
I’m really scaredddd how can I survive this? Everything fell apart nothing will be ok it’s not ok
Oh god why am I silently hoping someone will respond to these
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "Oh god why am I silently hoping someone will respond to these"
Sorry, I wasn't sure if I was allowed to reply to you or not, or I would've dont so sooner
Sorry, I wasn't sure if I was allowed to reply to you or not, or I would've dont so sooner
