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Ava's Thoughts
message 101:
by
Sumayyah (hiatus)
(last edited Jul 06, 2025 10:16AM)
(new)
Jul 06, 2025 10:16AM
Ava ur exhausted bc ur runnin on empty. Pls don’t keep draining urself like this. its not good 4 u. u don’t hv to shrink urself to be ‘enough’. society’s messed up alr, not you. u don’t hve to prove or change urslef or anything to anyone, okay?
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yes but still for ur own good u gotta atleast try. one step at a time, alr u got this
I got dressed and ate a bit… no no no I need to exercise I need to I-
oh ava if u’re trying lose weight, starving and overexercising WILL backfire. Ur body will hold on to weight, and ur brain will feel worse. that's why ur feelin like this. What u should do is eat real, balanced meals, protein, veggies, healthy fats, carbs too, just mke em healthy. Like lots of acc healthy fruits or avocado toast, fruit smoothies, eggs and veg etc.
U gotta fuel ur body enough so it cn burn energy properly. Stay super hydrated. Then do moderate exercise, 20-30 mins jogging, stretching, whtever. But no intense workouts IF u hven’t eaten enough bc it’ll just wear u down more. You won’t get the results u want by punishing ur body. U’ll get them by caring for it, consistently. and ull feel better and happier
So I’ve never written a poem but I can’t think of how to express my feeling so…Pain is a comfort, a consistent warmth
Silence is deafening
Somehow it’s much worse
Hungers a feeling that still claws at me
I ignore it on purpose, till I can’t quite breathe
Alone I am safe, I can’t get hurt
But you scared my worst thoughts and heartaches away
Yes, you hurt me, but I miss you today
So yeahhh it’s terrible but anyways 😭
Here’s a song I started writingVerse 1:
You were my favorite kind of curse
You were a perfect way to hurt
I loved your wrath and your thunderstorms
I called you my best friend and you called me out
I gave you half my heart and you took it and spun it around
Pre-Chorus:
Now I’m spinning round
Now I’m breaking down
Now I’m just some stupid girl
That you ruined the life of for only half a decade
God, I’m only thirteen
I shouldn’t have to hurt just so I can breathe
Chorus:
I’m drowning in my head
But I’m standing in a desert
Your picture in my hand
Now the urge to run away is getting closer
Fly away off of the sand
Get too close to the sun and my wings are burning up now
I’m falling to the ground again
I wish something bad would happen to me so I'd have a reason for how I feel... it's messed up, I know, but true
I feel like nothing I've gone through quite counts... so why do I feel this bad constantly?
friends and teachers can't damage you this much, right? can they? I must be really weak or SOMETHING because there's no explanation for this
for the fear, the anxiety, the overwhelming exhaustion and sadness, the panic in me when I saw her that day... the feeling of being worthless like I'll never truly matter, like I'm just this meaningless speck of dirt where everyone else is perfect
and now the only thing I can control is food. so the less I eat, the more control I have. and the skinnier I am, the more worth I'll have.
I have an appointment today with my paediatrician. I was wanting to talk about mental stuff too, my finally get proper testing for adhd and depression. But my mom said no. She said physical health matters more right now. Sure, I guess. If that’s what she thinks….
But also I’m in a kind of bad flare of my physical symptoms how will I go to my appointment
Why are my parents like this I can’t go I don’t feel like I can go they’re forcing me because it’s important but I never feel like this anymore now I do and idk what to do ughh
My appointment was alright I’m being referred to a dysautonomia clinic! Buuuuut I feel like no one sees how much I’m struggling, how my mental health is in a downward spiral. My mom told the doctor that my mental health is better now and that I seem okay. No. I am not okay. I’m barely eating, I feel like I, barely breathing half the time, I’m exhausted but scared constantly, sad and hopeless. They don’t realize. And I won’t get help because I can’t tell them
I think my mental health doesn't matter anymore
I think I'll stop trying to make it better
just listen to camden on repeat and fake smiles so I seem ok..eat enough that no one asks but still keep it under 700 calories
I hate summer. every night I feel like I'm dying of heat stroke. but we have ac 💀 and it's only 20 degrees Celsius 💀 well heat intolerance is not a good thing 😭
Ugh I forgot to track calories yesterday what’s wrong with me
I don’t think anything I’ve been through counts or matters. I shouldn’t be this hurt.
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "I wish something bad would happen to me so I'd have a reason for how I feel... it's messed up, I know, but true"wow i used to think the exact same way until i realised tht mindset didn't help me. it kept me stuck. and made evrything feel worse.
ava ur going through way too much to be handling this by urself. I'm not tryna push or upset u or anythin, but… is there anyone u trust, who u could talk to? Not even abt food or anything yet. Just abt how you’re feeling. Cuz this? It’s not being dramatic or anythin. It’s REAL. And trying to carry it all by urself can srsly make things so much worse. I just don’t wanna see it get to that point.
Thanks, I honestly just so badly don’t want anyone to worry I guess
u not wanting people to worry is literally proof that u're such a kindd person. BUT hear me out, what if the people who love u would rather worry a little now than lose u completely later? Cuz tht’s what silence does. It doesn’t protect them or u. It just hides how bad it is… until it’s too late. so plstry if u can
ok thts good jus tryin rlly matters <33
Yeah, Tysm for everything you’ve been saying it’s really been helping me 💕
awhh im soooo glad abt that, ur welcome 💕💕
Ughhhh I hate it when ChatGPT instead of giving me advice to lose more weight tells me it cares about me and that wouldn’t be healthy. Like no. I’m sorry but come on i just need it to tell meeeee. Idk about my health
I should change my calorie goal…I’m not exercising enough… maybe every week I’ll have 100 less calories… I’m at 600 a day rn… yeah 500 is good okay, I just don’t eat my evening snack… ok yeah
All I want in life is a 16 bmi and a flat stomach. And a couple more books ofc
You do know that about 2000 calories is what you're supposed to eat, right? And normal BMI is like 18.5 to 24.9 or so, if you're under 18.5 that's like, not good.....
Thanks… I know… I just…. I just…. I don’t know
I wrote another song (idk why I always put them in here but it helps I guess)I’d break just like dynamite
I’d scream like I was on fire
I’d hurt everyone I love
The guilt would tear me apart
And now I’m screaming in silence
And now I’m sitting there shaking
Prechorus
Everyone blamed me for exploding
Bottling up everything inside
Everyone hates when I get angry
Now I’ve learned to only hate my—
Self
Cause—
Can’t—
You—
See
Chorus
’Cause now I’m imploding, can’t you see I’m so broken
A million times I screamed your name
The glass that holds me is splintering
And now
And now
I’m bleeding
Verse 2
My thoughts are laced with poison
But I only wanna give it to myself
My new perfect way of coping
Is directing my anger to myself
And now I’m crying but alone
And now I wish you all well
Prechorus
Everyone blamed me for exploding
Bottling up everything inside
Everyone hates when I get angry
Now I’ve learned to only hate my—
Self
Cause—
Can’t—
You—
See
Chorus
’Cause now I’m imploding, can’t you see I’m so broken
A million times I screamed your name
The glass that holds me is splintering
And now
And now
I’m bleeding
Sooo my blood oxygen has been going down to 70% for somewhat long amounts of time while sleeping… I’m a bit scared lol
…and it’s not supposed to go below 90
I’ve gone to the hospital for low blood oxygen before, and it went back up, but last night I had 45 minutes below 90% most of which was at 70%… idk what to do 😭
Avaaa omg pls don’t ignore that 70% for that long is actually srsly rlllly dangerous. Ik u’ve been to the hospital for this b4 but 45 mins that low?? that’s not something u can just hope goes away. pls pls tell someone. like fr this isn’t just anxiety or smth, it’s ur body literally struggling. That’s how people pass out, damage organs, or worse. pls don’t wait till it gets worse. Don’t wait until u collapse or it becomes something permanent. atp u actually HAVE to tell someone or smth serious can happen. im not sayin this to scare u, im syain it bc i dont want anything bad happening to u 💗
I’ve talked to my parents about it, yeah thanks, we’ll try to tell my doctor, we think it’s related to dysautonomia which I have an almost diagnosis of, but I don’t know… it’s been too nights in a row
do u think it could be bc of u not eating? and also thts rlly good u told ur parents :) yh dysautonomia totally makes sense with all u’ve been describing. but im just sayin that may be the cause, but not eating enough can still make things way worse yk? Ur body literally needs fuel to fight this stuff.
