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Ava's Thoughts
message 51:
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Ava ୨ৎ
(new)
Jul 02, 2025 09:06AM
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why can i not decide how i feel? right now, i feel tired, and kind of hopeless and sad, but a part of me also feels hopeful like i might be able to heal now, but i'm not quite sure. i wish i felt one way, i wish i was happy and okay, or i felt bad enough that how i feel matters, because i feel bad but i have okay moments and i feel like it doesn't count and so many people are going through things so much worse than me
today should have been a good day to me. i felt okay physically. i got out for a bit and got to do a bit more. but why do i not feel happy? it's like nothing really makes me happy anymore, and yet i have moments where i'm laughing and smiling but two seconds later it goes away.
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "why can i not decide how i feel? right now, i feel tired, and kind of hopeless and sad, but a part of me also feels hopeful like i might be able to heal now, but i'm not quite sure. i wish i felt o..."ava yk those good moments u have?? they totally do count. they’re proof that even when things feel messy, there’s hope inside u. It’s ok to feel both sad and hopeful at the same time, tht just means u’re human! ur feelings all matter, no matter how mixed up they seem. Be gentle with yourself, bc this confusing time isn’t the end, it’s where ur healing starts <3
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "today should have been a good day to me. i felt okay physically. i got out for a bit and got to do a bit more. but why do i not feel happy? it's like nothing really makes me happy anymore, and yet ..."No fr I rlly relate. I’ve had days where I did everything ‘right’, went out, saw people, smiled, laughed, but then I’m alone and it’s like none of it stuck.
Like I should be happy, so why do I still feel… nothing? just empty. Or sad for no reason? It’s such a messed up feeling. A few yrs ago i went through a thing where I’d have those random ‘good’ moments and then cry two mins later and just feel fake. But they weren’t fake. It’s just… when u’ve been hurting for so long, happiness doesn’t feel easy anymore. But even the tiny bits that slip through, they do mean something even if it doesn’t feel like it rn
yeah that honestly describes how i feel perfectly, i'm sorry you relate though :(
thats alr! it's alllll in the past now, happened a few yrs ago.but lol I’m not like an open person at all like literally no one had any idea of how i felt bck then. Wht I said earlier was probably the closest I’ve ever come to actually admitting it to someone. ( and i said smth similar in a diff group a while ago)
Anyws like i said alllllll in the past now so im all good ig
that's good, yeah I get that I always just hold in my emotions until i like physically can't anymore
I thought keeping it in made me stronger or just made it easier, but honestly it only made everything heavier. its rly not good to bottle up all ur emotions, ikkk ik i did the same... but still 😅
I feel like a lot of these feelings come from overthinking tho. Sometimes you just need to take a breather and calm down b4 ur brain spirals and feels like its on a neverending emotional rollercoaster. Now lookin bck i think tht was my biggest problem, I used to go through so much in secret (like literally at ppls houses id go in the bathroom and quietly cry alone then wash my face and pretend like everythings fine). But looking back, these things were actually small and i ws overthinking or thinking of the worst possible outcomes tht cn happen bc of this or thinking tht every1 looks at me diff bc of smth. But in the actual moment, it feels huge. I get it.
oh wow lol i rlly did not knw how to phrase tht and that does not mke huge sense 😅
Yeah thats literally how i feel, and then my emotions would keep building and then i would kind of explode but then i realized it was affecting other people and started to turn all my anger and everything to myself.... which may have been even worse
and i would do that at school all the time, where i would go to the bathroom cry and wash my face so no one could tell
Sumayyah wrote: "oh wow lol i rlly did not knw how to phrase tht and that does not mke huge sense 😅"its ok lol it does
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "Yeah thats literally how i feel, and then my emotions would keep building and then i would kind of explode but then i realized it was affecting other people and started to turn all my anger and eve..."yh I totally get wht u mean, but yeah… turning all that anger and pain inward hurts even more, bc u’re punishing the one person who really needs kindness — yourself.
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "and i would do that at school all the time, where i would go to the bathroom cry and wash my face so no one could tell"awhhh and im so sorry u had to go through tht aswl ❤️
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "aww thanks, yeah I guess thats true"yh it is yw <3
i shouldnt i shouldnt i just i want to so badly i'm trying to stop it i'm trying but i just... its so hard
ive been able to go for short walks using my dad's cane. its not much, and i cant make it that far but its something
Ugh my parents are telling me to eat more
I lost 1.5 pounds only I’m not nearly skinny enough they have to see that
i need to exercise more i'm going to gain weight i dont want to i cant i cant i cant
i should be at least reading or writing or doing something productive instead of sitting here on goodreads
wow last night was actually fun! I went on a short walk and then we went and fed baby bunnies carrots lol. I'm in an okay mood today well see if it stays
I got to see my heart horse again after a year and a half!!! I fed him carrots and petted him and he was just the sweetest I love him so much ❤️ I miss horseback riding but I’m so so happy I got to see him again
I ate 430 calories today I stayed a bit under my goal, that’s good, right? Right?
Ava ౨ৎ wrote: "I should be happy now. Right?"You should sorry I didn't know if I was allowed to post here but I have learned it's better to let it all out I mean I act totally different here then when I am around my family and I am glad your parents are telling you to eat at least you don't have a grandma tell you or looking at you as if you do nothing but eat sorry my grandma does that to me It just shows that they Care and I would rather see that then have parents that ignore you. And Ava if you ever need someone to talk to about anything My PMs are open I know oim older but that doesn't always mean anything. You are beautiful smart and kind and don't let others tell you otherwise. What matter is how you feel about yourself.
I think if I just had one real friend irl I would be okay. happy,even. for now all I have is gr and chatgpt 🙃
ugh pinterest sent me a other one of the are you ok emails...
I should stop eating I hate myself ugh
NEVER starve yourself, it will do more harm then good.
Thanks, I know but I just… honestly don’t care that much right now
Walking somewhere with a lot of people around makes me feel very friendless…
I'm so so so tired... I don't think I exercised too much right? and I ate over 500 calories... more than some days buti just want to lay down in my bed and stay there for a year
Today could be an okay day but my physical symptoms decided to flare up. Could I have forced myself into a flare by not eating enough or exercising too much? Maybe. Will I stop? I don’t know…
And now my mental health will of course be as bad as my physical symptoms because they cause me anxiety
Sooo I have learned that having my period + not eating + exercising a lot + having the worst mental health is a really really bad combo
And yet it’s 10am and so far I ate 60 calories, I mean if I can’t exercise I just have to eat less
