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Ava's Thoughts
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May 28, 2025 09:09PM
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I will probably mainly rant and talk about random things I think of on here lol
Thursday may (???)so today was fine but my symptoms were flaring a lot, I couldn't do much and I had a pretty bad panic attack, then a small panic attack later because of a spider. I spent too much time on goodreads. I also have some new symptoms which are causing me a lot of anxiety. overall it wasn't the worst day but not great
but I got out for a car ride which was really good, plus I finished the book I was reading and made a few quizzes :)
(is this an OK way for my journal to be?)
Mod
i'll start actually keeping this updated, maybe just short things though lol
2:58 pm, monday june 16, 2025i've had a bad headache all day and that's kind of all, i'm also just very bored
still in pain, its way worse now, i took medicine but i'm scared because of my emetophobia even though its supposed to not have side effects
i read a book where the character has anxiety... it seemed like she didn't even have anxiety and thats when i realized just how bad my anxiety is
my mood right nowcamden
Block me out
this is me trying
pretty isn't pretty
because songs describe me more than I can
i think I might delete this, i feel like i overshared...
thanks, yeah I just always feel like I share too much and that people won't like me...
you know its bad when you can't write a main character who doesn't have anxiety because you don't know how they would think
if I was in a forest and I saw a bear I would think "oh cool a bear" if I saw a human in a forest I would be scared and want to run in the other direction
i don't know why, but i have the smallest bit more hope today. just a slight feeling of... i don't know... just that there could be something okay in the future... i don't think i'll be able to hold onto this feeling but i hope
well... that good mood quickly went away
(since everyone is commenting if people are allowed to comment on their journal or not i don't mind if people want to on mine lol)
Ava you are one of the many nicest people here don't give up
thank you all so much!!!! that means a lot to me ilysm <3333
Your welcome Ava I love you and remember there is always someone who cares about you
ava you are so beautiful and sweet and i know life is hard sometimes but just remember that so many people on here love you and that you are so special.
it really means a lot to me to hear that
AVACADO RULES (idk whats happening i just see people randomly fangirling over Ava so Im here to join)
why did that make me laugh so much though 😭😂
going back to using this as a journal... i honestly have no idea how to really write how i feel so i decided to write a song about it and i wanted to put it somewhere just to get it out i guess
I’m drowning in a desert ‘cause i thought it was an ocean
Don't ask me how, but all i know is that i'm broken
Down
Tripped over the air and i smiled when i fell down
Cause for a moment i felt something
This might sound almost crazy but right now i miss the pain
Now that it's gone i’m struggling to stay sane
But i'm fine i swear im fine
Wear a smile while my hopes and dreams die
Laugh out loud but no one hears it when i cry
God why am I lying?
I guess i’m not fine
Peace is a curse they disguise as a blessing
I'd rather be pushed around, broken down
Now my thoughts are the only things that hurt me
Somehow i'm on fire but still empty
Ok, I'm trying to take this one day at a time... but it's hard... i just... I want to... I know, I know i'm trying to stop... i'm trying but it's hard
i keep being unable to decide how i feel about everything. one second im fine and the next i feel like everythings crumbling down and theres no point... right now im fine but it feels weird because at the same time i just... its hard to explain
i usually wake up feeling a bit better but today i just don't
i don't know, just mentally i usually feel reset or ok when i wake up but idk today i just don't
My parents want me to eat more. they dont understand. I. cant. eat. any. more. than. this
i'll gain weight... i already am barely losing weight fast enough... i havent exercised properly for a few days... if anything i need to eat less
possible TWi'm okay with starving as long as i can lose weight... as long as i look better and as long as i'm skinny i don't care about my health
thanks, i just... i don't know its impossible to eat at this point
why can i not decide how i feel? right now, i feel tired, and kind of hopeless and sad, but a part of me also feels hopeful like i might be able to heal now, but i'm not quite sure. i wish i felt one way, i wish i was happy and okay, or i felt bad enough that how i feel matters, because i feel bad but i have okay moments and i feel like it doesn't count and so many people are going through things so much worse than me
today should have been a good day to me. i felt okay physically. i got out for a bit and got to do a bit more. but why do i not feel happy? it's like nothing really makes me happy anymore, and yet i have moments where i'm laughing and smiling but two seconds later it goes away.
yeah that honestly describes how i feel perfectly, i'm sorry you relate though :(
that's good, yeah I get that I always just hold in my emotions until i like physically can't anymore
Yeah thats literally how i feel, and then my emotions would keep building and then i would kind of explode but then i realized it was affecting other people and started to turn all my anger and everything to myself.... which may have been even worse
and i would do that at school all the time, where i would go to the bathroom cry and wash my face so no one could tell
