ᴠᴇɴᴛɪɴɢ/ʀᴀɴᴛɪɴɢ (ɴᴇɢᴀᴛɪᴠᴇ)

[☾ ּ ֶָ֢ Princely ּ ֶָ֢✧ , The Holy Dukk]

Venting goes here. No judgement, seriously, and if you have and triggers, please listen them before (Ex: TW// [trigger]). And if it has triggering content please censor it with the spoiler html-
Thank you! ^^

[☾ ּ ֶָ֢ Princely ּ ֶָ֢✧ , The Holy Dukk]

How can I know so many people... but still be so lonely. I don't remember it being so quiet before, or maybe because I filled that silence with something else. Perhaps I'm different. I know many people, people know me. And yet I'm still lonely. I have a girlfriend... but she doesn't reply to my messages. I tell myself that she's busy, busy, busy... but what if she's annoyed, what if she wants me to stfu, and I can't read the signs. I get two worded responses... is she mad at me? Is it something I did? Something I said? Or maybe she just forgot, she's a great person, I know she is, she'd never mean any mailous intend, but what if she just fell out of love... I wouldn't blame her... but something is disconnecting... Why are all my PMs so quiet all of the time? Why is it silent? Why do I have to speak first? I have no one, not really, living lonely in this vast world. Sure I have friends, but I don't want to bother them. I hate that. I always send the first message, the first text, the first person to say something, I have no one to talk to when I'm spiralling I start apologizing. I'm sorry, I don't why I'm sorry, but I am, something is my fault and I fear I need to fix it. Fix what? I don't know.

I am replaceable, I am broken, I am someone not worthy of your time but if you took the time, I would make it the best for you, because I care... I don't know why I care, even if you won't remember me, I will always remember you. I was meant to be used and broken and shattered. I'm not worth it, not really. No one is around. No one knows. I like it that way, but I need to talk to someone and when I think I can trust someone enough to do so, they give me comments I don't want to here. "I'm sorry" "Oh, that really sucks" "It'll be okay," "well, fuck em." I don't want to hear that! I don't want it hear what sounds like a fake apology, I don't want your pity I want empathy! I want comfort! I want something worth it! These comments don't make me feel worth it. I fear I am not worth it.

I sleep little and I'm awake only to endure the same suffering, I feel uncomfortable in my skin and want to rip it off, I fear I deserve to suffer but that the same time, why am I suffering? Did I do something wrong? But I want to suffer because maybe I'll feel something. I don't want to feel anything though. I am a paradox of emotions, I don't know what will make me feel okay. I just want to be okay. Am I asking for too much? I could be just seeking attention, and my life is an entire idity crisis. I hardly know who I am, who I want to become, how people see me, and who people want me to be.

And yet, I will stand idly and let it pass by I have the brightest smile on my face, I'll give you everything because you said you wanted it, needed it, I will remember everything you said, you'll ruin my life but I'll stand by you and laugh it off, I'm tired of laughing, and smiling and playing this stupid fucking game of pretend. I'm tired of this shit, I'm tired of seeing other people who feel better, who are better before me. When am I going to get better?! When is it my fucking turn?.. I just want to feel better, I don't want to be conflicted... I just want to feel something... anything.

[.°⋆˚ Iluxentz ˚⋆°. – ☆Semi- hiatus☆]

Hey, not too sure if my input would help much;

But I just wanted to let you know that you deserve so much more than to feel like you're just going through the motions. You deserve to feel seen, heard, and loved - not just by others, but by yourself too.

And you're not too much or too little either. You're just right, exactly as you are. And if nobody else has told you that lately, let me tell you: you're loved, you're valued, and you're enough.

Aside from that, I truly understand how hard it is to feel like you're not being heard or seen by someone you care about deeply.

So... I'm not too sure, but just a suggestion; maybe you try talking to your girlfriend about how you're feeling? I mean, It's possible she's not even aware of how you're feeling, and talking things out could really help clear the air. Also, just to put it out there, you're not being needy or clingy by wanting to talk things through. You're being human, and that's okay. It's okay to need people and to want to feel connected.

Just know you're doing the best you can, and that's something to be proud of <33