Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query Feedback -Speculative Fiction
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Hi Pat, thanks for sharing your query letter draft! Here are some suggestions:- Novels are, by definition, fiction, so maybe shouldn't say 'fiction novel'
- I'd use ALL CAPS when giving book titles in a query letter. It's good that your first comp is new. Maybe try to add another comp that is a couple of years older and has sold a lot more.
- Not sure what 'seemingly suspended' means, or a 'confronting truth,' but maybe that's just me.
- Not having read the book, it's difficult to propose changes to the wordings, but the stakes remain a bit unclear, and an abundance of fancy words doesn't necessarily help (although I presume it's common practice in the fantasy/scifi world). For example, what does 'reshape humanity’s future' mean specifically? OK, there's a war looming, but that's been a topic in thousands of other books. What is the specific conflict in this book that the protagonist needs to sort out? If possible, try to say something concrete, something that makes the agent think, 'Oh, that sounds like a terribly situation, how on earth will they handle that?'
Just my ideas – feel free to do other edits. Good luck! Regards, A.M.
AM wrote: "Hi Pat, thanks for sharing your query letter draft! Here are some suggestions:- Novels are, by definition, fiction, so maybe shouldn't say 'fiction novel'
- I'd use ALL CAPS when giving book tit..."
Thank you so much for your feedback. I see exactly what you mean about some of the vagueness in the plot details which don't help it stand out. Always helps to get that outside perspective after being so entrenched in writing the novel for so long!
I follow the advice of Gina Denny when it comes to query letters and that is the blurb needs to answer five questions.Who is our MC? Alonna and Wan, or at least it seems like a dual POV.
What do they want? To protect Earth, but it's a little vague because it also seems like love.
What is stopping them? Bureaucratic red tape? Her past?
What are they willing to do to get it? I don't know. I think it's supposed to be in the transcend darkness, but what does that mean?
What happens if they fail? Earth is destroyed, I guess.
But AM covered the only other big thing with me. It's vague on what is really happening. There is one line that stands out
"In Alonna, Wan uncovers a lush, romantic vision of Hawai’i – a stark contrast to her crumbling future shaped by meddling world powers."
In this sentence, is Alonna a person or place? Is Hawaii destroyed or damaged? Is part of the sentence talking about Alonna, the space person, and her past? Are we dealing with time travel because you say crumbling future?
I would also include more info about yourself. It's cool you did the research but what do you like to do when you're not writing? Do you have anything special like a house full of dogs or helping with a rescue or something like that?
Good luck.
Thanks so far for the feedback. I've done a quick re-write to hopefully be a bit more specific on the stakes and main plot/ love story. There are sort of two main "wants" focused on in the novel. The main one is Hawai'i's freedom from oppression by the US and the other is the war with Alonna's former alien masters (Gyar). UPDATED QUERY:
Dear AGENT,
WANDERING FLOWERS ON CELESTIAL OCEANS (75000 words) is a soft sci-fi standalone novel set in a turbulent future where two women grapple with the survival of humanity and the weight of their pasts. Combining high-stakes political intrigue, complex character relationships, and sharp commentary on power and identity, this novel will appeal to readers of The Future by Naomi Alderman and Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie.
In 2106, Alonna, a Hawaiian woman abducted by aliens ninety years ago, is found near death outside of the United Earth Space Station “Orion.” Once a ruthless ace pilot for the Gyar I junta, a brutal regime that enslaved entire worlds, her existence is now a ghostly echo of warfare and conquest. With no memory of her past or the genetic enhancements that once made her an unstoppable weapon, she floats in limbo – her advanced cybernetic starship shattered and her purpose lost.
Commander Wan Xi Xun, the resolute and ambitious leader of Orion, is instantly captivated by the enigma Alonna represents. As the commander of Orion, she faces mounting pressure from Earth's governments, whose bureaucratic interference threatens to unravel her mission.
As Alonna and Wan form an unlikely bond, they uncover a forbidden vision of Hawai‘i—a lush, vibrant world suppressed by decades of global political control. Alonna’s memories begin to return, revealing not only her past atrocities but also the truth of her living ship’s demise – the one thing that could have held off her Gyar enemies. With the looming threat of galactic war, Alonna must confront the sins of her past, reconcile with the enemies she’s wronged, and find a way to protect her newly discovered descendants and island.
This novel weaves a rich narrative that explores the intersection of personal sacrifice and political power, the search for redemption amidst war, and the transformative strength of love. Drawing on Hawaiian history and culture, including the legacy of Queen Liliʻuokalani, I’ve crafted a near-future world where human conflict mirrors the worst and best of our current choices.
Lee wrote: "I follow the advice of Gina Denny when it comes to query letters and that is the blurb needs to answer five questions.Who is our MC? Alonna and Wan, or at least it seems like a dual POV.
What do t..."
Thank you, Lee, for the insight. I hope my re-write improves some of these questions. I will have to check out Gina Denny to learn more!
I'm hoping to get some feedback for a query. The book is nearing completion, so I want to make sure I'm prepared for the next steps. I appreciate any and all feedback.
Couple of notes:
1. It's not completed, so I don't have the final word count
2. I have one comp and am still searching for another
3. I am unpublished, so did not include any personal information in the last paragraph
***QUERY LETTER BELOW***
Dear AGENT,
WANDERING FLOWERS ON CELESTIAL OCEANS (##,### words) is a speculative fiction novel that blurs past and future for two women who stand on the brink of humanity’s survival. The novel will appeal to readers of The Future by Naomi Alderman and {TITLE} by AUTHOR who enjoy a quick-pace story with high stakes, sharp commentary on government power and influence, and burgeoning love between two lost heroines.
It’s 2106 when Alonna, an alien seemingly suspended outside of the United Earth Space Station “Orion,” is discovered and brought aboard. Once a formidable force for the militaristic Gyar I junta, her existence is now a ghostly echo of warfare and conquest. With no memory of her past or the genetic enhancements that once made her an unstoppable weapon, she floats in limbo – her advanced cybernetic starship shattered and her purpose lost.
Commander Wan Xi Xun, the resolute and ambitious leader of Orion, encounters Alonna and is instantly captivated by the enigma she represents. Wan’s mission of scientific exploration is stymied by bureaucratic constraints imposed by the United Nations. In Alonna, Wan uncovers a lush, romantic vision of Hawai’i – a stark contrast to her crumbling future shaped by meddling world powers. Wan grapples between her heart’s desires and the confronting truth of Alonna’s sins.
As an impending galactic war looms over the unprepared Earth, Alonna and Wan must navigate their intertwined destinies. Alonna emerges as a beacon of hope for peace, while Wan faces the ultimate sacrifice to protect Earth from alien adversaries. Together, they must transcend the encroaching darkness and reshape humanity’s future.
With a blend of cosmic conflict and personal revelation, this novel promises an enthralling journey through a future fraught with peril and explores themes of redemption, sacrifice, and the clash between ambition and duty.
I completed research on Hawaiian poems, history, and important figures such as Queen Lili’uokalani, the last Queen of Hawai’i, and constructed a potential near-future world where current decisions portray the worst and best of humanity.