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I need advice (Trigger warning- SH)
message 1:
by
⋆✿Grace✿⋆
(new)
Oct 08, 2024 09:33AM
So, not much to say. My will to live is on a thin line again. I'm failing myself and many other people. I have an amazing, and loving boyfriend. He is my everything. He makes me smile within minutes when I could've been harming myself just before us talking. Unfortunately we both have our own personal traumatic experience, that I will not be going into. He had relapsed, and didn't tell me till after he was done. We usually tell each other if we are going to do something before so the other can attempt to change the others mind. I failed to protect him again, and it's weighing on me. I don't want to tell him even though I should. I just don't want to worry my boy anymore. He's already stressed as it is. (We are working on communication, it's new to both of us.) So I think that was my tipping point, because I was "fine" before, but now my depression is fogging up everything. My thoughts, my heart, my emotions, they're no longer "mine" if that makes sense. My anxiety is out of hand, and I'm not telling anyone. My need to harm myself is higher than it has been in months. I have little trust in my parents, and I'm not sure why, so I ain't telling them anything. I'm sorry, none of this is clear, because my thoughts aren't. Just needed to vent.
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"i failed to protect him again" you can't really do much when someone hurts themselves that's their doing. have you ever written out your feelings before ? it may help if you don't feel like sharing with anyone. do you take anything for your depression/anxiety ??
I'm so sorry you're struggling :( I have been through a similar situation (except it was a friend and not a bf) so I understand how hard it is. His emotions are not your responsibility, and sometimes you may have to put yourself first. It's good that you're always there for him, but if it's ever too much you can take a step back. I feel like he would want you to prioritize your mental health as well. Good luck <3
ella wrote: ""i failed to protect him again" you can't really do much when someone hurts themselves that's their doing. have you ever written out your feelings before ? it may help if you don't feel like sharin..."no my parents don't believe in medication. and writing out my feelings just make me more anxious.
what about an activity? is there anything you like doing like dancing or working out? sometimes it helps me when im feeling anxious
Luli wrote: "what about an activity? is there anything you like doing like dancing or working out? sometimes it helps me when im feeling anxious"I could, unfortunately I have in the pass used something as simple as working out to harm myself, I guess nothing could go wrong with dancing though
Aru (Percy's Version) wrote: "Hey girl. I hear you. I go through sort of the same thing. I have only done sh once. The only way I could stop myself is keeping the tools (i'm not quite sure what other word to use, i dont want to..."I mean, that makes sense. He would be really upset... and worry him more and I don't want that... I tossed a paper clip away (I know it seems simple enough) so that's step one I guess, but I just know i'll find something that will make me want to do it again... Sorry rambling again
Aru (Percy's Version) wrote: "*~Grace~* wrote: "Aru (Percy's Version) wrote: "Hey girl. I hear you. I go through sort of the same thing. I have only done sh once. The only way I could stop myself is keeping the tools (i'm not q..."I hope that includes talking to my boyfriend till I am too tired to talk anymore lol (hey look at that I made a joke :D) anyway- you're not giving ideas, I don't have nails because I bite them off. But I will try that I guess, nothing bad can happen if I take a walk (totally not jinxing it)
dont believe in medication ? that's insane
I always go outside in the evenings either I take a walk or bike ride it's really nice even if I'm like a waterfall of sweat by the end of it
ella wrote: "dont believe in medication ? that's insane"They don't want me to seem "too far gone" with medication, and like they don't like the idea that i'll be medicated as a "healthy" girl.
parents who think like that are wack. I used to be on anxiety meds/and anti depressant it really did work in the beginning I didn't need it no more tho.
ella wrote: "parents who think like that are wack. I used to be on anxiety meds/and anti depressant it really did work in the beginning I didn't need it no more tho."I just passed it as they're more old school parents and when it comes to cultural stuff too. (Traditional Asian parents)
well all our parents had it easier back then this generation is a mess + mental health issues have been rocketing more and more over the years. so that's a tough one. would stress balls help of any kind? throwing it hard at the wall or outside of the house. go outside and scream ??
I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so much pain. I know it's hard to understand, but sometimes anyone can save us but ourselves. Have you ever tried to ask for help?
Ali wrote: "I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so much pain. I know it's hard to understand, but sometimes anyone can save us but ourselves. Have you ever tried to ask for help?"Yes, before in the past, but not about SH. Only about my depression and anxiety, and even then my parents didn't take it so well.
ella wrote: "well all our parents had it easier back then this generation is a mess + mental health issues have been rocketing more and more over the years. so that's a tough one. would stress balls help of any..."I don't have any fidgets, including stress balls. I can't hit stuff or my parents would say I'm giving "attitude," I usually can't go out of the house unsupervised, going outside to scream my parents will hear me and so will the neighbors lol
makes sense I once went outside cus it was mess of a night like that thing (the scream) came from my soul. my parents are strict but yours are on a whole different level.
ella wrote: "how old are you ?"Rather not say, but does it help if I say I'm in high school?
oh okay well when you turn 18 do you plan on leaving your house or nah ?
*~Grace~* wrote: "Ali wrote: "I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so much pain. I know it's hard to understand, but sometimes anyone can save us but ourselves. Have you ever tried to ask for help?"Yes, before in..."
Maybe you can try again. I don't know how does it work where you live, but in Italy some schools have a psychologist and students can go there without telling their parents
ella wrote: "oh okay well when you turn 18 do you plan on leaving your house or nah ?"No, I don't plan to because I'm actually very family oriented. My parents acting like the way they are I just cough it up as tough love and I guess everything will be fine
Ali wrote: "*~Grace~* wrote: "Ali wrote: "I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so much pain. I know it's hard to understand, but sometimes anyone can save us but ourselves. Have you ever tried to ask for help..."I would but I don't trust the school systems in the USA. I don't really trust my parents, or my therapist. Guess I should've said I had one in the first place.
you don't trust your therapist ? Your therapist will only tell your parents about life threatening things but other than that they won't.
ella wrote: "you don't trust your therapist ? Your therapist will only tell your parents about life threatening things but other than that they won't."I don't trust my therapist because most of the conversations we have are because my parents ask my therapist to talk to me about them. So I technically haven't talked about things that actually bother me. Just what bothers my parents about me. After every meeting my parents go in to talk privately to my parents. I'm not sure about what though. Does this make sense? Sorry I haven't been thinking straight lately.
Hi there. I know it is hard but you have to let someone in. It does not necessarily have to be your parents or therapist, maybe start with a friend who you are close. Even a single support system goes a long way.
Lavanya :) wrote: "Hi there. I know it is hard but you have to let someone in. It does not necessarily have to be your parents or therapist, maybe start with a friend who you are close. Even a single support system g..."I mean I have a few close friends who know, and my boyfriend but that's about it (he usually has to pry what's wrong out of me, like I do to him)
And also talk with your therapist about how you all have not discussed things that bother you and all your other doubts.
Generally the therapist will talk to your parents or friends about what changes they have noticed in you etc but will not confide your entire conversations (patient -doctor confidentiality) unless it is life threatening. And if you relay your doubts generally therapists are receptive. If you are still not sure, maybe think about changing your therapist.
Lavanya :) wrote: "And also talk with your therapist about how you all have not discussed things that bother you and all your other doubts."I'll try when I can
Regarding SH, it always helped me if I write down my triggers or whatever emotions I was feeling in a diary or a piece of paper. You can share that with your therapist , or you can just scrunch the paper afterwards and flush it down or burn it.
I also used to give all the potential things that I could use , to my friend or family member to safeguard, so I don't have access.
Lavanya :) wrote: "I also used to give all the potential things that I could use , to my friend or family member to safeguard, so I don't have access."Probably going to do that, but that's only with like.. yk cutting, I could still hit myself or something (apologies for being so negative)
@grace that's so weird. have you ever mentioned to your therapist that shouldn't we be discussing things about me not my parents ??
when you're hurting yourself what is going thru your mind ?? it just makes me so sad that y'all think you deserve to be hurt when you do nothing wrong.
ella wrote: "when you're hurting yourself what is going thru your mind ?? it just makes me so sad that y'all think you deserve to be hurt when you do nothing wrong."Some of my thoughts are really.. dark, like "I need to cut deeper," "There's not enough blood," or "I don't feel anything, I need to feel something." Which is terrible. I know but some more tame ones are like "I deserve this," "you'll feel better in a minute," or "just let your anger out." Now that I'm typing this out I'm concerned for myself-
yeah that's a lot. but what makes you feel like you deserve to be in pain ??
ella wrote: "yeah that's a lot. but what makes you feel like you deserve to be in pain ??"I guess.. because other people feel pain from me, or I just want to feel something
Aru (Percy's Version) wrote: "*~Grace~* wrote: "ella wrote: "when you're hurting yourself what is going thru your mind ?? it just makes me so sad that y'all think you deserve to be hurt when you do nothing wrong."Some of my t..."
Oh I don't show them.. only a few friends, and my boyfriend knows I harm myself. My parents only know I have depression and anxiety. But that must be upsetting to hear. I never thought someone can be so shallow to that.. I'm so sorry to hear that.
if you want to feel something maybe there is something other than harming yourself you could do
I could do that, like reading or listening to music or something
hey darling. i get it, it sucks so bad. i think the first step is remembering why you stopped the first time. the most important person is yourself and it doesn’t just hurt you it hurts the people around you. keep taking the baby steps to get rid of the things that remind you of self harm, and i’m always here to talk. we love you girly.
audrey (in my fall era) wrote: "hey darling. i get it, it sucks so bad. i think the first step is remembering why you stopped the first time. the most important person is yourself and it doesn’t just hurt you it hurts the people ..."I don't know why but when I seem to always forget how this would affect others.. it's terrible. I know it when I'm not doing it, but leading up to it or while doing it I always forget how this would affect my friends, boyfriend, and maybe my parents..
*~Grace~* wrote: "ella wrote: "you don't trust your therapist ? Your therapist will only tell your parents about life threatening things but other than that they won't."I don't trust my therapist because most of t..."
This must be very hard for you. I have a therapist to, so I know how it works. And I think you should definitely tell him/her "I want to talk about how I fell or about what's bothering me, and that not regards my parents". If you think about it, he/she's here to listen to anything you have to say, you can try to open up. Or maybe you can chage your therapists.
Your doctor have to talk to your parents afterwards because you're a minor and it works that way. But I can tell you that he/she doesn't report what you say, but just your condition, how you're doing and stuff like that
*~Grace~* wrote: "ella wrote: "when you're hurting yourself what is going thru your mind ?? it just makes me so sad that y'all think you deserve to be hurt when you do nothing wrong."Some of my thoughts are really..."
See, I suffered from sh and depression a very long time ago, and now I'm perfectly fine (just to day that you can get better). I studied psychology in school and I know a bunch of stuff. When you hear a voice saying that things to you, it's just your brain lying to you. I know it sounds strange, but if you think about it every human has a survival instinct that usually keep you safe: like when you go hiking a montaing and you know you have to stay away from the ravine or you will fall. But in people who have depression or sh problem, it's like the survival instinct is not there (I'm trying to make it simple for you to understand). It's obviously not your fault, any of this.
I suffered from this to, so I talk from experience, and I want to tell you, you have to get help. And I'm not talking about friends or family, but professional help. It's like when someone broke an arm, or someone has a stroke, they go to the doctor, not to their friends. Trust me, I know it's hard and painful, but it's the only way. You'll get better, I promise, and one day, not so far away from today, you will be happy 💓
u need to put urself first...and ur bf needs to put himself first a while ago i had a bsf and we were both in rlly bad mental states. in some cases we could lift each other up but in ours....... our mental health got worse from each other. like u said, u dont think abt how it will affect others when you do things but im the exact opposite. EVERYTHING i did i thought abt how she would think abt me and if i would be more or less important to her if i did smth.
personally, what worked best for me was not talking to her for a few months. idk abt her, but im in a really better mental place after it. so it may work w you to take a break with ur bf and really focus on yourself but everyone is different
