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Revised YA sci-fi fantasy query ready for more feedback!
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SCRATCH THAT! I’ve revised it!Dear (AGENT),
I’m seeking representation for my YA sci-fi fantasy novel A SORCERY OF VENGEANCE, completed at 99,000 words.
Seventeen-year-old Nicolas Eissa wants to avenge his family.
Long before his time, magical alien beings have found their way to Earth. Most seek refuge from the Viknorians who have destroyed many planets and is now beginning to turn Earth into ash. They’ve already disintegrated Nicolas’s village—now what?
Nicolas has a plan now that he’s the captain of a small-crewed aircraft. They’re going to wage war. He sets off on a quest to build an army, but as he gets closer to this reality, he second guesses everything, believing he can’t kill the Viknorian Queen as he feels like a fraud. We can’t easily win this. We are not powerful enough. And the thought that races through his mind the most is: What if when the time comes, I can’t fight?
Trying to be a step ahead, Nicolas finds himself allies with a Koelegian Princess who is tired of running and hiding; Hiroko, a teenage girl who keeps Nicolas on his toes as he tries to figure out how she got herself mixed up with the Koelegians; and Fara, a banished Viknorian who no one trusts. But Nicolas must set his indifference with Fara aside and become the captain he needs to be for his crew to put an end to the intergalactic battle. Even if it means trying to be brave when you’re the most frightened.
A SORCERY OF VENGEANCE includes LGBT+ representation. Fans of Avatar: the Last Air Bender would enjoy this quest-like experience filled with elemental magic. And fans of Laura Sebastian’s Ash Princess would get a kick out of the vengeful adventure.
Hi, Alicia,The construction of the first full paragraph had me confused. I think it's because of the modifying phrase: it should always go back to the previous person/thing mentioned. So what it says is:
Long before his time, magical alien beings have found their way to Earth. Most magical alien beings (but as I parse this out, I believe you mean earthlings or whatever term you use for them) seek refuge from the Viknorians who have destroyed many planets and is (Viknorians = plural, is = singlular) now beginning to turn Earth into ash. They’ve already disintegrated Nicolas’s village—now what?
Also, in this phrase who no one trusts, "who" should be "whom". There's a quick way to tell which one you need: if you rephrase the sentence to include "her/him", then your choice is "whom", as both "her/him" and "whom" end in "M".
Examples:
"a Koelegian Princess who is tired of running and hiding" can be rephrased to "a Koelegian Princess: she/he is tired of running and hiding." No "her/him", so OK with "who".
"a banished Viknorian who no one trusts" is rephrased as "a banished Viknorian: no one trusts her/him". So you need to use "whom".
The last two sentences of the blurb are very vague. I don't know what "his indifference with Fara" means, and the same goes for "the captain he needs to be". I'd also change the last sentence: "when you’re the most frightened". It doesn't matter if the reader is frightened, so I'd find a way to refer back to Nicolas's character instead.
Can I get some feedback on my query letter!
Dear (AGENT),
I’m seeking representation for my YA sci-fi fantasy novel A SORCERY OF VENGEANCE, completed at 99,000 words.
In the year 4745, the Earth has seen many changes. Continents drifted, cultures and history lost, and magical alien beings live amongst humans. Many seek refuge from the Viknorians, powerful creatures who destroy planet after planet. And when they get their eyes set on Earth, it becomes their new favorite piece of destruction.
They destroyed Nicolas’s home, murdered his family, and now he wants revenge. Nicolas Eissa is a seventeen-year-old soldier and the new captain of the Cruiser, a small-crewed aircraft ready for battle. Though his first mission is the opposite of what he wants. He’s tasked with finding the Viknorian location, but amid his grief and anger, he decides to go against orders. Maybe he can finally put a stop to the bloodshed and help prevent more families become victims.
He sets off on a quest to find allies and build an army. Though, if Nicolas fails to find this support, his entire crew’s life is at stake. He doesn’t want them killed as the Viknorians are too powerful, but he also doesn’t want their oligarchy government, the Twelve Presidents, to come after them.
Trying to be a step ahead, Nicolas finds himself allies with a Koelegian Princess who is tired of running and hiding; Hiroko, a teenage girl who keeps Nicolas on his toes as he tries to figure out how she got herself mixed up with the Koelegians; and Fara, a banished Viknorian who no one trusts. But Nicolas must become the captain he needs to be and set his indifference with Fara aside.
As the war draws near, he second guesses everything and believes he can’t kill the Viknorian Queen as he feels like a fraud. What if when the time comes, he can’t fight?
A SORCERY OF VENGEANCE includes LGBT+ representation, and fans of Laura Sebastian’s Ash Princess and Ciannon Smart’s Witches Steeped in Gold would enjoy this magical and vengeful adventure.