Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query Critique round 2
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It's getting clearer.I'd use only jist one name consistently for each character in a blurb.
Can you provide one example about mother's nature that made Mari hate her, secret thst emerges about mother, something compelling Norman did that made him attractive. Otherwise it's too conceptual and high-minded.
You plop in the marriage at the end. If this is a central struggle, then needs to be introduced much sooner. Can it be connected to the mother in some way so it can be related to the central theme and the characters?
Some language issues. "who loathes her mother" confusingly relates to Cataline based on construction. Also the alliteration at the end is very distracting.
Hi, Jacob,I agree that this is better, but there are problems with modifying phrases. When you use a pronoun, it always refers back to the last person/thing mentioned. So you're left with:
"Cataline Blake who loathes her (Cataline's) mother"
"who Cataline was as secrets her (Cataline's) mother kept.."
The relationship between Mari & Norman (stepfather) needs to be stated. And I think the whole sentence is misplaced, as it really has nothing to do with Mari's emotions on the death of her mother.
And I wonder why Norman (who is not a blood relation) has charge of Mari, when her grandmother (a direct ascendant) is living. It seems a small thing, I know, but you don't want an agent to stop and try to figure it out, so perhaps focus on Mari's relationship with Norman as you did in the last previous version.
The last sentence, which is your golden opportunity to attract the agent with a unique plot, is very vague. And I really don't understand what you meant by "unlivable" as it's a term that usually refers to real estate. Whether you're talking about suicide(?), illness, or something else, state it plainly.
Don't make an agent assume anything, as they might misinterpret it, request the MS based on that misinterpretation, and be disappointed.
Gifford wrote: "The relationship between Mari & Norman (stepfather) needs to be stated. And I think the whole sentence is misplaced, as it really has nothing to do with Mari's emotions on the death of her mother.And I wonder why Norman (who is not a blood relation) has charge of Mari, when her grandmother (a direct ascendant) is living. It seems a small thing, I know, but you don't want an agent to stop and try to figure it out, so perhaps focus on Mari's relationship with Norman as you did in the last previous version."
Okay.
Cataline was not on speaking terms with her family, so it left Mari estranged from any of them. The only reason Mari discovers she has a living grandparent is from an old journal she finds where Cataline had their address written down. She writes a letter, and her grandmother reaches out to her, by phone initially.
By that time that contact occurs, Mari's relationship with Norman has already progressed substantially.
Marvin wrote: "Can you provide one example about mother's nature that made Mari hate her, secret thst emerges about mother, something compelling Norman did that made him attractive. Otherwise it's too conceptual and high-minded.You plop in the marriage at the end. If this is a central struggle, then needs to be introduced much sooner. Can it be connected to the mother in some way so it can be related to the central theme and the characters?
Some language issues. "who loathes her mother" confusingly relates to Cataline based on construction. Also the alliteration at the end is very distracting."
Okay.
Cataline continuously cheated on Mari's father, and ultimately poisoned him. Mari discovers Cataline is about to cheat on Norman now, and murdered her father with poison just before her mother dies.
I discussed the murder before, but I felt like it was distracting because the murder is more a background detail rather than central to any plot. Though it certainly colors the perceptions of everyone surrounding Cataline.
Norman prevents Mari from getting sexually assaulted, intervenes to prevent her getting taken by the Stasi in Berlin, and a number of other things.
Gifford wrote: "Hi, Jacob,I agree that this is better, but there are problems with modifying phrases. When you use a pronoun, it always refers back to the last person/thing mentioned. So you're left with:
"Cata..."
Good catch on the pronouns, both of you, by the way. I had a few glasses of wine the evening I composed this, apparently I was not thinking as clearly as I thought. lol.
Jacob wrote: "By that time that contact occurs, Mari's relationship with Norman has already progressed substantially."So that very much sounds like a sub-plot, and I'm still thinking it should be left out in favor of the main plot: Mari & Norman.
Gifford wrote: "Jacob wrote: "By that time that contact occurs, Mari's relationship with Norman has already progressed substantially."So that very much sounds like a sub-plot, and I'm still thinking it should be..."
Okay.
Complete at 78000 words, I am presenting my debut novel The Ballad of Maribel Blake. It is a standalone Adult Historical Romance Fiction set in Texas from 1968 through 1970 and will appeal to readers of [Comps].
Life is just as complicated as the people who occupy it...
Maribel Anne Blake is the precocious 16-year-old daughter of Cataline Blake who loathes her mother for reasons beyond count. When Cataline dies in an accident, it leaves Mari in the care of 27-year-old Norman Edward Blake, whom she has only known for two months. After Cataline’s death, Mari feels nothing. Believing something inside her is broken, Mari struggles to understand who Cataline was as secrets her mother kept continuously come to light.
After Mari meets her grandmother, Aphrodite Caldwell, for the first time, she gains greater insight into some of Cataline's decisions. Mari's life has been full of deception and dishonesty, until Norman, leading her to value honesty and integrity above all else. Mari is smitten with the handsome and honest man of unimpeachable character she sees in Norman Blake, however, his unbending ethics leave him conflicted while rejecting her advances.
Mari is determined to end the trend of her prestigious, old-money, Southern family and marry for love, rather than exist in abject misery married to a malingering mook for a business alliance. In a life loaded with loss, one final agonizing tragedy may prove to be unlivable unless she can overcome it.