query letter feedback

[Robert]

Comments appreciated--thanks

Dear

Boy Illuminated is a coming-of-age story that spans a lifetime. Being born a boy immediately put Billy at a disadvantage in the battle between the sexes. Billy wins sometimes, loses sometimes and is clueless in many skirmishes. The fair sex loves him, dumps him, and nurtures him. This novel highlights his adventures from third grade to his deathbed in his early eighties.

His battles began simply enough when he invited a classmate to play a game of Chinese checkers and she rejects him. He goes steady without wanting to, discovers the wonders of breasts, and becomes a man through his college tutor. Military service brings a Dear John letter while marriage leads to an affair and a divorce.

Later, Bill teaches his daughter the ways of the world. He reconnects with his aging mother. At the end, he finally says what he always needed to say.

I hope readers laugh, perhaps become angry and maybe ponder a bit. It’s about 60k words.

I began writing nonfiction in the 1970s being published by Lyons and Burford, Burford Books and fiction with the Ann Arbor Media Group. Later, through the ‘80s into the 2010s I wrote and published about twenty books, four were novels. Now I wish my work to be agented, and we seem to be a good fit.

I’m a retired 78-year-old with a PhD in psychology. I wrote after work, studied books, took classes and attended conferences. Now I have the time and the desire to create my best work and have it reach a wider audience through you.

I’ve included the first thirty pages and look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Sincerely,

[Marvin]

This is a summary rather than a query. It's also quite passive meaning things just happen to the main character who doesn't really exist at all here as a person.

A query would establish the character and his drives, motivations, needs, how he tries to get them, what will happen if he doesn't, how he must change or grow to achieve them.

As written, the blurb doesn't offer a compelling reason to read the book... no sense of character, time, place. No sense of conflict. We don't know where this takes place or what military service he had. It's all quite vague.

Your writing credits should just name the books and their genres. Books that are similar to this one will be compelling. Other stuff may not have much value for an agent unless the topics relate to the book.

If this is some kind of disguised memoir, you'll have the challenge of reality vs good fiction.

[Robert]

Thanks Marvin, I couldn't ask for clearer feedback. Comments were concise and comprehensive. You have challenged me in the best way possible.

You were astute to mention "disguised memoir." As Murry said, "All writing is autobiography." However, this work is not about me but about an average guy trying to understand women, finally doing so after a lifelong struggle. I have used the behavior and attitudes of many men I have known, plus a few classic males to stimulate my thinking.

As for "reality vs good fiction" I'm a Hemingway fan, "Characters (and scenes) should be 100 times bigger than life." Worst excuse for bad writing is that it really happened that way.

Cheers. Back to the drawing board.

[Marvin]

Robert wrote: "Thanks Marvin, I couldn't ask for clearer feedback. Comments were concise and comprehensive. You have challenged me in the best way possible.

You were astute to mention "disguised memoir." As Mur..."

That was another flag for me... the issue of understanding women. There was a whiff of misogyny for me. Not in the sense of hatred of women, but in placing them in the dusty category of being the fairer sex, etc... or as Brits would say SWMBO.

I think it would help to describe who your main character is and what his drives are and why we should care about him. I was raised in a traditional family with somewhat toxic roles for my mom and dad. I had to "learn about women" in the sense of experiencing men and women as people rather than cultural archetypes.

Making a book "about that" risks making an issue or idea book rather than one driven by character and the growth of that character.

I encourage you to work on your query to really figure out who your main character is, what the story is in terms of him striving for something and having to grow. I don't think relationships with women would make a strong central premise (it sounds more like a topic for a psych chapter or paper). Isn't it more how he needs something for himself and the way he interacts with women reflects his own self doubts and challenges?

For instance, I think a lot of misogyny arises from men's insecurities about the roles thrust upon them... that they didn't ask for. If we accept that life is a spectrum, then trying to force fit all men into Y is going to cause confusion and resentment that leads them to forcefit women into X.

I digress... but hopefully with a point about digging deeper into character rather than having someone bumble through life lessons.

[Robert]

Marvin, another home run. Will do. Yes, the main character didn't understand "women" because they were a class, not individuals.

I often get wrapped up in ideas. Wrote one novel about an atheist ending up in Heaven just to explore the idea of heaven and why it would exist. Need to embrace character much more.

Thanks again.

[Marvin]

Robert wrote: "Marvin, another home run. Will do. Yes, the main character didn't understand "women" because they were a class, not individuals.

I often get wrapped up in ideas. Wrote one novel about an atheist ..."

PLaying "what if..." wih ideas is a really great start for a book. Part of "what if" is describing the character. So the atheist in heaven sounds fun... but the story would emerge from why the atheist is an atheist, how that drives his character and his choices, and how that affects the way he engages with heaven and the challenges it provides.

I am currently reading "How to tell a story" by Rubie & Provost. You might find it helpful for this kind of challenge.

My 2 cents.

[Robert]

Worth a dollar or two at least. The book is My First Ten Days in Heaven where the character can choose to stay or not. Could be described as an existential dilemma after already dying, which I think is funny.

One novel I wrote started with "what if we did the opposite of cloning with a human being?" That is, get double the amount of genetic material into a person to see what the body would choose to use.

I believe I've read the book you suggested. My favorites are Stein on Writing and Stephen King and Hemingway's writing books. It's a delightful lifelong effort to learn how to write a true sentence. I think I've written about a dozen them. But maybe not.

[Marvin]

The book I named focuses on story structure. Some people write nice words but they have no stakes or pacing.

[Robert]

Another score. "If there is a shotgun over the mantle in the first act, by God someone has to be shot before the end of the second!"