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query feedback - 80K fantasy
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Yours is quite long. I did a quick five minute hack and slash that might be getting it down to the essentials. I think we need more about what drives Valan and his inner conflict about science vs superstition. Also why he wants to prove himself.----------
Valan is handpicked by the king to investigate the lawlessness and anarchy caused by mages fighting over the remnants of magic. Valan distrusts magicians and resents that he must leave his family, but he hopes to prove that he is more than a bookish bureaucrat. (why??)
As Valan and Selvi, a purveyor of magical artifacts, uncover a plot to restore magic by sacrificing the souls of non-magical people, the dark sect of magicians targets them for destruction.
Valan must choose whether to prevent the return of magic and help his people progress beyond superstition, or preserve his blooming affection for Selvi and please the king who has power over life and riches.
There is a little repetition, you describe Valan twice as a 'nerdy bureaucrat' and lawlessness and "X Crime". As magic fades from the world, Valan Balaj is tasked with an investigation into the lawlessness and anarchy caused by rogue mages fighting over the last of magic. His distrust of mages and lack of talent makes it worse when he has to leave behind his family in order to accomplish a task no one else has. Education in a stuffy library and working in the field are two different subjects, and Valan has to learn quickly the difference between the two.
He is joined by Selvi, a purveyor of magical artifacts. As they travel, they grow closed to together. Each talking about their own history with magic, his education and her culture. What starts out as a mission grows into much more.
Selvi helps to open his eyes about magic and what it means to the world. No longer wanting to be a pawn for a king or any kind of government, he finds a new path to walk. But first he has to deal with a cabal of mages wishing to sacrifice all the non-magical people for their magic. However, the costs of stopping the cabal might cost him the relationship with Selvi.
Not knowing more of the story, this is my take. What does he want as the story starts? We know he wants Selvi as the story progresses, but does he has any drives before then. I think all the other normal query letters questions are answered. We know who he is, what is doing, what he is willing to do, and the stakes are clear.
Thank you both! In terms of motivation, he wants to prove himself. He also wants to do something important and be recognized. In the story he has not traveled beyond the capital city, and he is interested in traveling. I am going for a fish out of water story. Valan's extreme perspective regarding magic softens as he goes on his hero's journey. Valan not being magical also helps me world build without having an info dump.
MAGICALLY NEVER AFTER is a fantasy novel complete at 80K words. This novel has series potential, and it will appeal to readers of The Dragons of Deepwood Fen by Bradley Beaulieu and Secrets and Spellcraft by Michael Manning.
Magic is fading from the world, and Valan Balaj is on a quest to understand what this means for his kingdom. Valan’s talents as a junior minister are noticed by his superiors, and he is handpicked by the king to investigate the lawlessness and anarchy caused by mages who sow chaos as they fight over the remnants of magic.
Valan, an individual with no magical ability, is torn about accepting the assignment. He distrusts how magicians use magic to grow their power and resents that he must leave his family in order to investigate this phenomenon. Yet, he desires a change in his mundane, clerical work and hopes to prove that he is more than a bookish and sheltered bureaucrat. More importantly, others picked before him have failed, and he wants to take the mission to help prevent the rise of lawlessness and murder seeping into his kingdom. He's joined by Selvi, a purveyor of magical artifacts, and her associate, Danfer.
Valan slowly falls in love with Selvi as she teaches him about her magical culture and community. Even though they come from different backgrounds, Valan’s love for Selvi grows as she opens him up emotionally, and they begin to confide their fears and regrets to each other.
As they travel, Valan learns that many magicians were good before the fall of magic, but a smaller and darker sect of magicians now exist who desire to control the world for their own benefit. Valan’s group become targeted by this cabal as they uncover a plot to restore magic by sacrificing the souls of all non-magical people. Stopping this catastrophic tragedy will require the group to travel to the west and defeat their tormentors.
Valan no longer wants to be a pawn of either his king or government and actively fights to pursue his own path as he sees the evil intentions of the cabal. He will prevent the return of magic as this is the only way for his world to truly progress beyond superstition and inequity, but it may cost Valan his relationship with Selvi.