Query Critique Round 2

[Nia]

Hello everyone! I am back again with an updated query that I would appreciate some feedback on. I got a lot of advice and resources from a group of mine, and would now like to hear others' thoughts! Please be constructive in your criticism, thank you!

Dear [blank],

13-year-old seer Neralia has always had cryptic visions and wants to understand her past, but when Duchess Marina of Rahn adopts her from the children's home, she tries to let go and embrace her new family. But the new family comes with secrets, and Neralia finds out the Duchess has been poisoning her husband.

Worried she may be next, Neralia decides to flee and stumbles upon three strangers who steal her away to the Nepsilon Achloris, another galaxy where they claim she once lived. Where they claim the Duchess once lived. They leave Neralia with a married couple and give her one task—to blend into this magical new world, a task she fails spectacularly when a sentient portal singles her out and attacks her in the school library.

With time, Neralia discovers a truth about the Duchess—she is half-human, half-elf, and the leader of the rebel group trying to usher a new regime for the galaxy. Neralia's visions point to her being the center of it, and in an effort to get answers, she delivers herself right into the Duchess's hands. Neralia has to save herself and somehow stop the Duchess’s plans or she would be the ruin of both Earth and the Nepsilon Achloris.

ALONE is a 99,000-word YA Fantasy that will appeal to teen readers of Keepers of the Lost Cities and the Lunar Chronicles. I have had a short story published in a collection before, but this would be my first published novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

Here are my thoughts. The ending feels a bit abrupt, and I think the first section could use some work but I'm not sure where. I feel like some things could be explained more, like the school library thing, but I don't know if I should extend the query or just cut that part out. It runs a bit short, so maybe I could add? I am also still struggling to find good comps. That's all I have from my end. Thanks everyone!

[Nia]

Oh, and I know my protagonist is young! That's something I addressed in my earlier critique when it came to my target audience (lower YA) but that's a problem for outside the query!

[Marvin]

I would repeat my previous comments on the first version about a lot of story summary.

Neralia seems very passive here. Things happen to her. Who is she? What does she want or do to help herself? What motivates her? What are the stakes? Why does this one character have tonsave the universe?

[Lee]

I'm with Marvin, it's very passive. I don't know what she wants. Does she feel abandoned at the children's home? Is she a loner or an outcast? Is she a half-elf as well and that is why the duchess chose her or does she let it slip about her visions? Right now, it feels random to me. Randomly chosen, random strangers, random rebellion.

[Nia]

Lee wrote: "I'm with Marvin, it's very passive. I don't know what she wants. Does she feel abandoned at the children's home? Is she a loner or an outcast? Is she a half-elf as well and that is why the duchess ..."

Thank you both for your input! I'll think I'll fill in some of the gaps and try and make her motivations clearer. Family is what drives her and I don't think this is really coming through in the query, so I'm going to try and implement that!