Seeking Agent Query Feedback

[Mike]

Hello,

Will you please read my new query letter and let me know how I may improve?

Shown first is a prior version that I got feedback on, which is followed by my most recent version that changed based on feedback I received. How does the New/Improved version stack up now?

Interested to know what you think about one vs. the other, and all the details.

I appreciate your input.
Thanks!

---ORIGINAL---
Dear First Name Last Name,

Eternity's Grasp is about a serial killer whose girlfriend is murdered by somebody else.

It is winter of 1991 in Omaha, Nebraska. Career gambler Paul Pasternak spends most of his time at horse races, with occasional jaunts to Las Vegas. Reeling from a huge loss, Paul impulsively sideswipes a jogger with his car and kills him. He stops briefly, considering whether to administer aid and seek help, or to run. He runs. Paul relates his thoughts first-hand, convincing himself that he has the power of invisibility. The unreliable narrator soon reveals himself as a brutal serial killer of women. Ghosts of his victims converse with Paul. One taunts him to kill his girlfriend.

When his girlfriend Marlene is murdered by her ex-lover, Paul is taken into custody. He is interrogated by the FBI, learning that he is a suspect, not only in Marlene’s death, but those of other women, some he killed, some he did not. Lacking evidence and presenting a solid alibi, Paul’s odyssey will not end in the interrogation room, nor will he tell the FBI about Marlene's ex-lover.

Paul is released, and tries to make sense of her murder. Ghosts, an abundance of alcohol, and the conviction that he can be invisible, drive Paul to connect a man to Marlene’s death. His fate will be Paul's to decide, if he can find him before the FBI does.

My book is a 78,000 word dark psychological thriller, with elements of horror. Comparable titles are THE SERIAL KILLER’S WIFE by Alice Hunter (2021) and THE SILENT PATIENT by Alex Michaelides (2018).

I have written 7 feature length screenplays, 2 TV shows (one currently in development), lots of poetry, and hundreds of essays. This will be my debut novel. Eternity's Grasp placed as a finalist in the suspense category for the Claymore Awards at the 2023 Killer Nashville Writers Conference. I won the Grand Prize for a short film competition in Cannes in 2008.

When writing, I draw from my own vast experience, which ranges from digging ditches to owning an art gallery and running a film festival to french-fry taste testing, and lots of other stuff in between.

Thank you, MR

---NEW/IMPROVED---
Dear First Name Last Name,

Professional gambler Paul Pasternak impulsively kills people sometimes. But when his girlfriend Marlene is murdered by somebody else, he feels loss in a whole new way. Worst of all, he is now a suspect.

Haunted by the ghosts of his victims, who speak to him, and bullied by the FBI, who torture him, Paul just wants peace. Mounting losses, his deaf, judgmental mother, and a sincere belief that he has the power of invisibility, all contribute to his declining psyche. When he finally meets up with the caretaker his mother hired, Paul suspects him of being Marlene’s ex-man, and her assailant.

After that meeting, Paul is accosted by an unknown entity and shaken to discover that he is not the only invisible man. He may be right about the caretaker. Rightfully spooked, ghosts guide Paul back to his former home, where he must confront and vanquish a more frightening killer than himself, or die trying.

ETERNITY’S GRASP is a disturbing first-person 78,000 word dark psychological horror story. Since you like scary, non-police serial-killer protagonists, this is for you. It is likely to share a bookshelf with THE SILENT PATIENT by Alex Michaelides and NOTES ON AN EXECUTION by Danya Kukafka.

Eternity's Grasp was a finalist in the Unpublished Suspense category for the Claymore Award at the 2023 Killer Nashville Writers Conference. I have another novel in progress and have written 7 feature length screenplays, 2 TV shows (one currently in development), lots of poetry, and hundreds of essays. I also won the Grand Prize for a short film competition in Cannes in 2008.

I am currently being held hostage by my loving wife and two cats who refuse to release me no matter how much cheese I give them. When writing, I draw from a kaleidoscope of experiences which includes growing up at the horse race tracks, building an art gallery, creating a film festival, and professional french-fry taste testing. Yes, I was actually trained to do that. I have traveled worldwide and maintain hundreds of my unique photographs on Flickr.

The first two chapters follow directly, per your submission guidelines.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

I look forward to sharing the full edition so that you too may find yourself trapped in Eternity’s Grasp.
MR

[Gifford]

Hi, Mike,

I remember this. The body of the query is much improved, and shows Paul's descent into what others perceive as craziness very well. The only question in my mind is: why/how is Paul the one who's been chosen to vanquish the other killer?

The closing paragraphs should focus on the book. I made my comments in italics:

ETERNITY’S GRASP is a disturbing first-person 78,000 word dark ("horror" says it all) psychological horror story. Since you like scary, non-police serial-killer protagonists, I believe this is for you. It is likely to share a bookshelf with THE SILENT PATIENT by Alex Michaelides and NOTES ON AN EXECUTION by Danya Kukafka.

Eternity's Grasp (should be capitalized) was a finalist in the Unpublished Suspense category for the Claymore Award at the 2023 Killer Nashville Writers Conference. I have another novel in progress and have written 7 feature length screenplays, 2 TV shows (one currently in development), lots of poetry, and hundreds of essays. I also won the Grand Prize for a short film competition in Cannes in 2008. The important info about this book is the honor it received. While the rest is impressive, it takes focus away from the accomplishments of the book.

When writing, I draw from a kaleidoscope of experiences which includes growing up at the horse race tracks, building an art gallery, creating a film festival, and professional french-fry taste testing. Yes, I was actually trained to do that. I have traveled worldwide and maintain hundreds of my unique photographs on Flickr. I'd include only those experiences which are relevant to this book. Time enough to talk about the others when an agent contacts you. And, really, they're likely to google you, so some of it will come up anyway. Or, if you have a website, put all of this in your bio in a prominent place, so it's the first thing someone sees.

Hope this helps,
Giff

[Mike]

Thanks Gifford,
Good points. Yet, since this book is created from my imagination, and little of it is drawn from my life experience, I hesitate to expound on my keen knowledge of murder. That could be problematic.
Mike

[Mike]

Are assistant literary agents wading through slush piles actually Googling us? I am not sure that mikerembis.com would do anything to impress them if the intro letter doesn't.

[Mike]

Why/how is Paul the one who's been chosen to vanquish the other killer?
Because he catches the killer in the act and is attacked.

[Gifford]

Mike wrote: "Thanks Gifford,
Good points. Yet, since this book is created from my imagination, and little of it is drawn from my life experience, I hesitate to expound on my keen knowledge of murder. "

Yeah, I can see how that might be a problem...

[Gifford]

Mike wrote: "Are assistant literary agents wading through slush piles actually Googling us? I am not sure that mikerembis.com would do anything to impress them if the intro letter doesn't."

Hopefully, the assistant will pass your MS on to the agent who will read the first 3 sentences and say "I've got to have this book!!!" & then see what info s/he can find on you (just to make sure you're not actually a serial killer!)

[Gifford]

Mike wrote: "Why/how is Paul the one who's been chosen to vanquish the other killer?
Because he catches the killer in the act and is attacked."

So that's when he learns about the other killer, right? The way I read it originally, I thought he sought out the other guy based on some info he learned, maybe from the ghosts. I think you could rephrase it so the reader knows how the confrontation occurs.

Best of luck!

[Mike]

Gifford wrote: "Mike wrote: "Why/how is Paul the one who's been chosen to vanquish the other killer?
Because he catches the killer in the act and is attacked."

So that's when he learns about the other killer, rig..."
The problem with this reveal is that it is the culmination of the second act, the "big reveal." Hate putting spoilers out there. He never sees it coming until he has no choice, even though clues were in front of him the whole time.
I will think about how to rework this.

[Mike]

Mike wrote: "Gifford wrote: "Mike wrote: "Why/how is Paul the one who's been chosen to vanquish the other killer?
Because he catches the killer in the act and is attacked."

So that's when he learns about the o..."
How about this?
Rightfully spooked, ghosts guide Paul back to his former home, where he is cornered by a more frightening monster than himself, leaving him with only one option - to kill or be killed.

[Gifford]

Mike wrote: Rightfully spooked, ghosts guide Paul back to his former home, where he is cornered by a more frightening monster than himself, leaving him with only one option - to kill or be killed

To paraphrase: Yes, yes, a thousand times YES!!!

And I know there's lots of advice out there not to go past the first 1/3 of the MS, but those always/never "rules" are worthless IMO. You need conflict -- specific conflict -- to attract an agent/publisher. So if the strongest point of conflict is later in the book, that's what you have to get to in the query.

Well done!

[Mike]

Gifford wrote: "Mike wrote: Rightfully spooked, ghosts guide Paul back to his former home, where he is cornered by a more frightening monster than himself, leaving him with only one option - to kill or be killed

..."

Thank you!

[Mike]

OMG!
I just got my very first manuscript request.
Thanks for your help!

[Gifford]

Congrats & best of luck!