Please help with query for Do Unto Others

[Trisha]

Hello,
I recently finished a novel. I have written about twenty versions of this query, and I probably need to go through twenty more before it is perfect. The thing I am most uncertain about is having the elevator pitch as my first line. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.

Here it is:
Dear

Lily's decision to unearth traumatic memories of her childhood monster leads her to bury not only his body but his reputation, too.
I am writing to seek representation for my first novel, Do Unto Others, set in California's sun-soaked yet shadowed landscapes and is complete at 95,000 words.

My story begins with Lily, a woman in her fifties, penning a warning letter to a stranger, a desperate act meant to save a child from sexual abuse by the very monster who abused Lily. This letter, a catalyst for unraveling the meticulously double-bolted metaphysical locks on her memories, propels Lily to confront her past. This act triggers a series of events that force Lily to confront her traumatic past, plunging her life into turmoil as she grapples with the darkest moments of her existence.

Lily's past explodes into the present, throwing her into the most terrifying time in her life. Unable to shake the disturbances, she seeks solace in therapy, where she is encouraged to engage in therapeutic art. This leads to create a four-panel painting, a visual journey through her life's pivotal moments. Each panel reveals a different story, depicting Lily's attempts to navigate various personas and lifestyles in her quest for authenticity.

But Lily is a writer, so she is further encouraged to understand her life more fully through her own words, transforming her painting into the foundation of a novel. However, the prospect of sharing her story with the world is daunting. Her path to publication hits a roadblock when she is required to obtain a letter of permission from her abuser. This quest forces her to confront not only her abuser but also leads to the discovery of further abuses, a murder, and an ensuing trial.

Do Unto Others delves into the complexities of trauma, self-discovery, and resilience, mirroring my own experiences. I'm passionate about telling untold stories in literature, the kind of stories that make us feel we aren't alone. Readers of Elenor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman and Just for the Summer by Abby Jimenez would enjoy my book as my novel explores similar themes.

I have enclosed my manuscript's first [number] pages for your review. Thank you for considering my submission. I look forward to the possibility of working with you to bring Lily's story to a broader audience.
Sincerely,

[T.]

"I am seeking representation for my debut novel Do Unto Others. Do Unto Others is a 95,000 word...(Here is where you would add what genre your book falls into).

[Gifford]

Hi, Trisha,

When I was reading your query, it began to sound like a memoir. Since it's based on real events in your life, perhaps that's why. But it is a novel, and the query needs to read like it.

Several years ago Writers Digest put together this formula for a fiction query:

1. Give a short, precise description of the overall conflict (the “hook”). You've done this quite well.

2. Introduce your main character (and perhaps one other character, usually the antagonist or "villain"); It's easy to see who the villain is, but we know nothing about him (age, background, father? neighbor? police record?) A reader/agent needs something to identify him, but he's just a generic bad guy right now.

3. Tell us what your MC wants and what stands in her way (the main plot);

4. Tell us what will happen if she doesn't succeed (the stakes).

5. A paragraph at the beginning or end that includes title, genre, word count (rounded off to the nearest thousand). Right now you have 2 paragraphs with this information, and the first one is getting in the way of the flow of the story. I'd suggest you combine them into the paragraph near the end, and add the genre.*

6. Your bio. If you haven't been previously published, write something interesting about yourself instead. You've done this well, too.

To follow that basic formula, the middle paragraphs need to be pared down. You don't need to be precise about every step of the plot, but the most important thing missing is Step 4: I assume Lucy wanting to protect the girl is the main plot point, but what will happen to both her & Lucy if Lucy doesn't manage it?

*It seems that your book crosses many genres; this breakdown from Reedsy will help you identify where it fits best: https://blog.reedsy.com/book-genres/

Aside from that, I'd watch out for sentences/phrases beginning with "this": "this letter", "this act"; "this quest". It lends a sort of sing-song rhythm to the writing.

One last note: all titles should be capitalized, including your own.

Hope this helps.

[Trisha]

Dearest Giff (I visited your website),

I want to express my gratitude for the valuable information and thorough review of my inquiry. Your thoughtful comments have been incredibly helpful. Personally, I find writing a query quite challenging, but I am determined to tackle it again today. Thank you for your generosity and time.

Warm regards,
Trisha

[Gifford]

You're very welcome. Querying is not for the faint of heart! Best of luck!

[Marvin]

The story becomes interesting in para 4 where we also see stakes. A brief setup to para 4

I agree with Gifford about the way to express stakes more dramatically