Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query for 96,000 word dark fantasy
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Hey there! Your concept is interesting for sure! When it comes to the synopsis I’d say for the first line — who are the Sensoria feared and hated by? The rest of their world? kingdom? I want to feel grounded in a setting—you don’t have to drop another specific name, and I think it might be better not to because there’s already a good amount of names and terms here, but maybe something like “a source of fear and hatred to the realm they rule” or wherever their place in society is. Are they outcasts? Rulers? Also I would say you don’t need to mention the other types of sensoria at first? Maybe just the blood sort because that’s most relevant to your protagonist? That would get us to the protagonist sooner, and hearing about her personal struggle, which will be what invests me the most.
Hope that helps! Feel free to let me know if you want to discuss
Also I assume since this is a query you are past the swapping phase but hit me up if you are by chance interested in a swap because your concept looks cool :)
Take care,
Ox
OK! Query letter redone! Let's see if I improved:Katarina Kovinsky is the heir to a place of abundance, the hidden Queendom of Sovramo, a place unfriendly to strangers and unflinching toward its monsters. An age ago, Sovramo eradicated the dread Sensoria from their population, creatures feared and loathed for their unnatural power.
Katarina is a Blood Sensoria, a fire conjurer with no control of her power, and no resistance to fire.
With her home destroyed and her mother murdered, Katarina sets out on a quest for vengeance, hiding among the army of the Demon King who took everything from her.
But evil has a way of sinking in, and soon Katarina will be unable to tell herself apart from the evil that she hunts.
This is confusing to me. is katarina one of the group that was eradicated? is this about her return? how does her destroyed home and dead mother relate to that? there is a lot going on and i need the query to walk me thru it logically
Oh hey I actually trashed this manuscript because as bad as my query letter seeks to be the book is actually worse. I’m rewriting the entire thing from scratch so ignore this one, I’ll delete this as soon as I can. Thanks for reminding me!
No worries. We all have "trunk novels" we used to teach ourselves then put away.I think it could be very helpful to you to work on a query first to guide the new work.
(greeting, basic info etc)
The Sensoria are a source of fear and hatred - loathed for their unnatural power. The telekinetic Sensoria Neurotica, the fearsomely strong Physica.
Feared above all is the Blood Sensoria, the fire conjurer.
Katarina Kovinsky is the heir to a place of abundance, the hidden Queendom of Sovramo who eradicated the Sensoria from their population an age ago. All but one. Katarina has no control over her fire, and her body is not fire proof.
With her home destroyed and her mother murdered, Katarina sets out on a quest for vengeance, hiding among the army of the Demon King who took everything from her.
But evil has a way of sinking in, and soon Katarina will be unable to tell herself apart from the monsters that she hunts.
(ending info)