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Looks like an interesting story and something I would like to read.CRIMSON DESIRE is Completed at 96,000 words, CRIMSON DESIRE is a YA Fantasy set in Spain in the year 1878. CRIMSON DESIRE will appeal to readers of THE BEAUTIFUL by Renee Ahdieh and WE SET THE DARK ON FIRE by Tehlor Kay Mejia. CRIMSON DESIRE is the first of a planned series.
Usually, you would put this type of paragraph (word count, genre, comp titles) at the end of the query, after the plot outline.
You mention the title a lot here, and you could avoid some repetition by saying "it" or "this novel".
I love the setting, but there's not much of a flavour of 19th century Spain in the rest of the query.
Seventeen-year-old Magdalena Villerano dreams of breaking free from the pervasive dominance of men. Whether they exert control within her workplace or manifest as the embodiment of her own brother.
I would avoid sentence fragments in the query (they're fine in the book itself), so make this one sentence.
You use a lot of adjectives and adverbs throughout the query, and it makes the whole thing seem padded out. Ask yourself, for each adjective and adverb, if it adds anything important; if not, delete it. For example, you could delete "pervasive" here.
What does "manifest as the embodiment of her own brother" mean?
Here is where you could add some salient details that show the time and place. For example, what kind of workplace is she in? How does male dominance show itself in 19th century Spain?
However, her dreams start to unravel when a power-hungry vampire singles her out, recognizing her latent supernatural talents—mastery over animals and humans, along with rapid learning.
How does the vampire cause her dreams to unravel? It seems the opposite -- he's allowing her to escape from the domination of her brother and other men.
How is "rapid learning" a "supernatural talent"? That's usually just called "being intelligent".
In an arrangement, he offers her a final opportunity to glimpse her brother and Spain.
Do you really mean "glimpse" here? Surely she can glimpse (see) her brother and Spain any time she wants?
Yet, this chance comes with a significant condition: she must aid him in his quest to reclaim the title of grand coven master, a position he once held but lost to a rival coven due to overwhelming opposition.
This is nice: shows the stakes clearly.
If he wants to "reclaim" the title, it is obviously "a position he once held". You can eliminate one of these repetitive phrases.
With her creator tightly gripping the reins of her destiny, Magdalena forges unlikely alliances with fellow coven members, all subjected to the oppressive control of their vampire master.
Her "creator"? Is he a god?
Again, adjectives such as "unlikely" and "oppressive", and adverbs such as "tightly", are not adding anything and could be deleted without much change of meaning.
Together, they devise a bold plan to regain their freedom, fully aware that discovery could spell their doom. Nevertheless, Magdalena remains resolute in her determination to seize control of her life and shatter the chains that bind her.
Maybe spell out some of the potential consequences. What will their vampire master do if he finds out? Are there other consequences, beyond the circle of Magdelena and her comrades?
As eternity stretches before her, she grapples with the question of how long she can endure this masquerade beneath the oppressive shadow. (Unsure if I should keep this line in)
I would include either this sentence or the one before it ("Nevertheless, Magdalena remains resolute in her determination to seize control of her life and shatter the chains that bind her"), but not both.
Hope this is useful. Take what you need and ignore the rest. Best of luck!
Dear agent,
CRIMSON DESIRE is Completed at 96,000 words, CRIMSON DESIRE is a YA Fantasy set in Spain in the year 1878. CRIMSON DESIRE will appeal to readers of THE BEAUTIFUL by Renee Ahdieh and WE SET THE DARK ON FIRE by Tehlor Kay Mejia. CRIMSON DESIRE is the first of a planned series.
Seventeen-year-old Magdalena Villerano dreams of breaking free from the pervasive dominance of men. Whether they exert control within her workplace or manifest as the embodiment of her own brother. However, her dreams start to unravel when a power-hungry vampire singles her out, recognizing her latent supernatural talents—mastery over animals and humans, along with rapid learning.
In an arrangement, he offers her a final opportunity to glimpse her brother and Spain. Yet, this chance comes with a significant condition: she must aid him in his quest to reclaim the title of grand coven master, a position he once held but lost to a rival coven due to overwhelming opposition.
With her creator tightly gripping the reins of her destiny, Magdalena forges unlikely alliances with fellow coven members, all subjected to the oppressive control of their vampire master. Together, they devise a bold plan to regain their freedom, fully aware that discovery could spell their doom. Nevertheless, Magdalena remains resolute in her determination to seize control of her life and shatter the chains that bind her.
As eternity stretches before her, she grapples with the question of how long she can endure this masquerade beneath the oppressive shadow. (Unsure if I should keep this line in)