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message 851:
by
Shiv {Two Stones, Trying to Float on Water}
(new)
Jul 19, 2016 06:47AM
Perfect two. >.<
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At this point, 11:11 passes everyday, and every night. But I... I don't wish for anything else. Just for you to be careful and hopefully this pain away.
My legs feel really heavy and I don't know why...
So... I wrote this letter last night and some friends on insta wanted to see so I figured I could type it here too.
Hey guys, it's me. Shiv --- -------. I'm not a Nightfall Time, or a Matthew, the son of Gaea. I'm not Lumina, or Raiden, or Zombie Master, or Garunix, in the sense that I can't carry the game on my back. I'm not the underdog, and I definitely don't always win. But first thing's first, why I had chosen all of those names. I made Nightfall and Matthew in the 7th grade. In a way, they are me, but I'm not them, if that makes sense. Nightfall's had a rough time, growing up in The End, losing those he cared about most. Night also had powers, just normal pyrokenesis. Now, Matthew, he started out as just another son of Vulcan, the Roman Hepheastus. Any of you hat have ever had an interest in Greek mythology know what that means. Brains, and creativity, for one, but most of all, fire. Yet, later he 'evolved' into the son of Gaea, the evil earth goddess/Titan mother. Each of them have had their fair share of trials and tribulations, and that one heartbreak. The one that was the
message 856:
by
Shiv {Two Stones, Trying to Float on Water}
(last edited Jul 19, 2016 06:51PM)
(new)
SLIM PICKENS, YEAH HE DOES THE RIGHT THING, AND HE RIDES THE BOMB TO HELL, YEAH HE RIDES THE BOMB TO HELL, WHAT THE PULSE, IT QUICKENS AFTER EVERY LITTLE STING, IF YOU'RE GONNA GO TO HELL DRINK IT UP YOU MIGHT AS WELL
So... Um.. Today is my first day clean...
I've been having these blank outs again... Where my eyes are open and I feel my phone vibrate and I see it light up but I just kinda... Don't move.
The thing is... They aren't hurting... At all. Not itching or stinging... I can't even feel them without actually touching them.
Typing up yesterday's writing soon
The first day of clean was a lot easier than I remember, probably because I've had so many. I won't deny that I miss you, but it's not because I'd want us together again, if this truly does make you happy, then I wish you the best. I just miss the lack of pain, the understanding of my insanity, and possibly most of all, the warmth in the bed, even when you weren't there. Just the fact that you wanted to me. I've started eating again, although it's mainly just cereal. Currently, I'm in my 'bed', drinking coffee, listening to either Ed Sheeran or Walking on Cars, all the while scribbling away at a paper with this pencil. I'm once again not sure about what I'd like to be when I grow up, but oddly enough, even though I barely get C's in English, I think I'd want to be an author, at least a teeny bit. Environmental science has always interest me, and I'm just naturally good at math. I honestly just wanna help people, in any way I can. Getting work permit tomorrow, for Little Caesars. I don't really know why I'm writing, whether it's to distract myself from my feelings or focus on them. I hardly write anymore, except for the past few days. Probably gonna stop texting now, I realize that is only counter productive nowadays. Next Page I've gained a few pounds since o started eating again, always 110lbs. It's not great, but progress is progress. Not totally sure about quitting yugioh, or therapy, but I'm dealing. I wanna play fire kings again, so I'm buying 2 or 3 of the structure deck soon. I miss those guys. I... Think I'm done writing, at least for now. The night is still young. Over and out.
Am I? XD these are just my late night rambles.
I'm still up... And this hurts... A lot.... It's inly been two days...
This hurts...
I wanna be drunk when I wake up, on the right side of the wrong bed...
Why does living even hurt this much???
Timeflies ft. Katie Sky"Monsters"
[Chorus: Katie Sky]
I see your monsters, I see your pain.
Tell me your problems, I'll chase them away.
I'll be your lighthouse. I'll make it okay.
When I see your monsters I'll stand there so brave, and chase them all away.
[Verse 1: Cal]
A cup of coffee still steaming, staring back at me and it's blacker than the night, eh.
I'm awake but still sleeping, I keep telling myself I'll be alright (I won't).
And I know it can't get worse than today, sitting here and she's trying to rehearse what to say.
See, she's in the bathroom and hoping I'm not in earshot, while she's getting used to the sound of her teardrops.
Splash, it hits the towel and I know it's been awhile since you've seen me smile and laugh, like I used to.
I've been in denial since it happened, just take me to the past, cause I just can't imagine losing you, too.
I can't explain this so I keep it all inside, wear my pain but it's masked by my pride.
She came to hold me and she cried, told me this and she stared into my eyes and said...
[Chorus]
[Verse 2:]
I can't, you won't like what you see.
If you were in my head and had to hear my plea.
It's like, I can't believe this is happening to me.
And could someone please shut off this fucking answering machine, so I can stop leaving these messages that you will never get.
And all these cries for help you'll never see, you'll never check.
But I guess it's easy for you to leave me.
But believe me, see this isn't something that I'm a just forget.
I would trade it all for one more minute, don't you see I really need you to talk to.
Uh, I'm still sitting here wondering who did it, while I'm staring out our front door knowing you'll never walk through.
Said you'd come right back, now you're gone like that.
A blank stare as I stand so alone, I know you're never coming home. Damn.
[Chorus]
[Verse 3:]
Uh, I got a heart made of fools gold, got me feeling so cold.
They keep chipping away. All the promises I told, felt like I was on those, they keep slipping away.
I want nobody else, but it's hard to get to know me when I don't know myself.
And it helps cause I felt I was down, I was out, then you looked at me now and said...
[Chorus: Katie Sky]
I see your monsters, I see your pain.
Tell me your problems, I'll chase them away.
I'll be your lighthouse. I'll make it okay.
When I see your monsters I'll stand there so brave...
I see your monsters, I see your pain.
Tell me your problems, I'll chase them away.
I'll be your lighthouse. I'll make it okay.
When I see your monsters I'll stand there so brave, and chase them all away.
Forgot to type my writing yesterday. Oops.
When your favorite band has a song about a pornstar. O.O xD
When the same girl that's had a huge crush on you for like three years now invites you to a 'kick back' at a friends house and you know it's probably drinking. Cuz that's the only time anything ever happened. XD
What would Night do right now... I know. And I want to. But is that really the best idea?
He's run about 900 miles no matter what it'd seem like.
When I get a house I'm gonna draw on the ceiling of my bedroom.
Garunix, zombie master and Raiden together... Hm... Maybe. Or it could just go straight to pieces. By haven't really got much to lose so fuck it.
Alone with cards and my mind trapped in between these 4 white walls.
*is lonely*
Hey...
I run way too many traps. XD the fact that I win duels amazes me lol
I feel alive when I'm close to the madness...
YES. Just caught bulbasaur. Have all 3 starters and eevee evolutions.
Oooooo and I'd make up my mind but I don't know myself, no I don't know mysellllffffff
SO MANY SQUIRTLE. YESSS
Scrabbbllleeeeee
I took my shirt off this morning and there was blood on the sleeves and I'll I'm thinking is how the hell did it end up like this?
message 887:
by
Shiv {Two Stones, Trying to Float on Water}
(last edited Jul 23, 2016 12:58PM)
(new)
The Script'Before The Worst'
It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
With vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night
We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Oh, who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Is trying to take it back before it all went wrong
Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong
There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends, yeah, talking 'til the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose but so much to gain
Are you hearing me? 'Cause I don't wanna miss,
That you would drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life
We were thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Oh, who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Is trying to take it back before it all went wrong
Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong
If the clouds don't clear
Then we'll rise above it, we'll rise above it
Heaven's gate is so near
Come walk with me through
Just like we used to, just like we used to
Let's take it back
Before it all went wrong
Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong
This has been on my mind awhile but the reason I fell in love with Monica in the first place was because she helped the pain. When we were alone and just talking my arms wouldn't burn anymore. The didn't feel broken. My insides felt put together and my mind didn't run wild. Being on my mind so much helped a lot. And like when she left I was still alright. We didn't talk much or anything but it was around then I'd stopped cutting in the first place. Don't really know why I typed this. Just still need to let everything out soon...
Cuz I'm a little unsteady...
Battin invited me to something again. Might go this time.
Danny has Drugs... Alex has alcohol... And I have a lot of cash.
Am I really doing this....
But this fucking hurts.
You wanted to know what was on my mind. Shyanne did, Fern did. I had planned on telling you later today but that didn't work out. So this is it. I feel like shit cuz I love you. My arms burn and my head bangs every time I think of you with someone else and I hate being alone. I used to be alone. I used to be okay with it. Sure I was fucked up but I was okay. It's just like. I'm trying to go to a place where the pain is gone cuz so far only you and Monica even ever sort of took it away. I can't even do this anymore. Going to Alex's with monster, a bible, cards and my notebook. Praying for something to stop me. But I don't know anymore. Sister got pulled over for speeding but I don't think that counts. I can hang till eleven or later. So fuck this and fuck everything at this point.
It's hard for me to gain weight. I have scars all over my arms. Somehow I still manage to have stretch marks on my hips, thighs, and knees. Sometimes I feel calm. And then I feel hopeful. Other times I'm like this and want to end it all. I feel so fucking useless.
On the bright side, evolved squirtle and caught vulpix
Gonna stay out till 4 am.
Last night was sweeeeeet. XD still at Alex's.
I haven't enjoyed life like that in awhile. XD lol.
Kinda really want another cigarette.
