Inseparable, Sci-fi, Query

[Amy]

Hey guys, I would love it if you could give me some feedback on my query letter. Thanks in advance!

Dear Agent

Foster siblings Cass and Jase were bonded telepaths. No matter where they went or what they did they were never truly alone and that was the way they liked it. Hunted by soldiers called the Faceless, most of their people lived in hiding. They either tried to blend in and live normal lives like Cass and Jase, or they joined the Clan and lived a nomadic existence because if they were found, they were taken. No one knew what happened to a person after the Faceless captured them, but they were never seen or heard from again.

Cass came home to a trashed apartment and a missing brother. With the Faceless after her, Cass was forced into hiding, all the while struggling to find any leads on Jase. Her search led her to an old friend wearing the armor of the Faceless. If he was working for their enemies, who else was? Would that be Jase’s fate as well? The hunt for Jase sent her to abandoned warehouses, forced her to confront pipe wielding vandals, and shed light on a conspiracy that threatened to rock her to her core. All this time she’d thought she was fighting the Faceless, but was she really?

Cut off from Cass for the first time in his life and kidnapped, Jase was thrown into a secret prison that was part work camp, part laboratory, and a slow death sentence. Breaking out would have to be a team effort, but only if he and his new friends managed to survive long enough to get that far. Cass’s actions on the outside combined with Jase’s on the inside set the stage for the prison’s chief scientist to launch a campaign to take power for herself and her very first step was clearing house of anyone who might be a threat to her. Starting with Cass and Jase.

INSEPARABLE is a complete 91k adult science fiction novel. It alternates POV between Jase and Cass. It is my debut novel. I read on ### that you are looking for ### and this is applies to my novel ###. Below are (####) per your query guidelines.

[Dana]

I can't help but feel like I've read an earlier draft of this query. And if that's the case, I feel like this has improved over the original! I'll break this up into two parts.

Blurb/Synopsis:
The plus side of this is that your writing flows really well, and it presents its ideas at a comfortable pace. Seems to sport a nice blend of action, mystery and thriller too. My suggestions are minor but here they are:
- You say "most of their people" in the first paragraph, I think you should replace & clarify that with a more specific term, whether it's telepaths or foster kids, etc.
- The second to last sentence is a run-on.
- I questioned whether the "old friend" mention in the second paragraph is relevant, but seeing that this is a query and not a blurb, I see it adds a little intrigue.

Query:
I feel like the query part is too short. Maybe some comparisons to other novels, a description of subgenres or themes, your target audience, or inspirations could be used to better acquaint the recipient with your work. Also, a brief introduction of yourself and your interests/goals will also help. I hope the last two sentences are more boilerplate than literal, even if you replace the (#) signs, the language comes off very stiff and robotic.