Seeking feedback on query for Tragicomedy character study

[Bradley]

Who gets love, do they deserve it, and what the hell does it actually mean if it's just an evolutionary adaptation to procreate anyway?
These are the questions Stephen, our timid, if somewhat angry protagonist finds himself asking, after being rejected by the beautiful, understated and intelligent girl he has fallen for. A girl, who upon seeing her delicate and radiant appearance, we are told will lead to real blood shed.
Then there was Jacob... Jacob is the biblical snake in this story. A dark triad programmer, who plans to destroy the societal conception of love and romance from the inside out, first and foremost of these projects being the uglifier. He understands what drives people to relationships, what underlying mechanisms draw people, or repels them from each other. And one of the tools he uses is an AI that can, by the light of biology, turn photos of people ugly. Wherein, he unloads them back onto their social media, that changes their perceptions of themselves just a little. This is just the start of many such projects that he believes reveals the fickleness of love and commitment.
Is love worth our time? Or is it just an evolutionary adaptation that us apes would be better throwing to the fire?
Love and desperation (10,000 words) is a dark and comedic look at what relationships consist of in the 21st century through the minds of men who have been alienated from them. It's both an exploration of human nature, and a funny, entertaining, fast-moving ticking time bomb.
My screenwriting has been shortlisted by the BBC out of 5000 submissions in the Writer's Room scheme, and most recently I have worked as an editorial assistant at Sky Studios, where I read screenplays and decided whether they'd be declined or taken further.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Bradley Roberts.

[Scott]

It's written like you're talking to me and not in a standard query format. If this is the voice of the story maybe it could work. But conventional wisdom says not to be too original in the traditional publishing world. It's a bit of a gamble for a new writer.

As is, it's difficult to critique. But I have to ask what your goal is. At only 10K words, I don't think an agent would be interested. Is this meant to be a query for a journal or magazine?

[Bradley]

The 10k words is actually a typo, it's 110k words.
Thanks for the feedback, but other then what you mentioned, does the premise and how it is framed, draw you in, and make you interested to read more?

[Scott]

Sorry, but not really. And obv. this is only my opinion based only on what I see here. The conversational voice doesn't appeal to me. But more than that, I don't really know what the premise is. It's about love and relationships, and I know it's a dark comedic look at those things, but I don't know much about your characters. And typically—it's the characters and their struggles that the query needs to sell. It is the personal connection that hooks a reader.

I'd also add that 110K is a bit long for a first novel. Sure that length happens but it may scare away some agents and publishers. Esp. if they don't know what the concept is. If this is meant to be a character study, I would think the length is even more problematic. There are always exceptions but following the "rules" is often recommended for a debut novel.

That's just what I think. I'd be interested to hear what others have to say. Esp. because of the unique voice you have presented here. It could just as well connect with an agent if you find the right one.

I would also suggest that you give two comp titles. Ie. this will appeal to fans of so-and-so. Or the story is reminiscent of ABC written by XYZ. That will help reinforce the type of book/story you have here.

Good luck with it!

[Bradley]

Hey, thanks for the feedback. I did a bit of reworking and put this paragraph after the one about Jacob. Let me know if you think it helps? Thanks again.

"Nevertheless, Stephen is taken by this new philosophy, and fights to kill off any part of him that could want something as stupid as interpersonal connection. But as the past rears its head for both of them, they have to push further. An autistic Frenchman, and a rowdy van driver going by the name of Storm Trooper Thompson joins them. Uglifying social media, and ads, is just the start, as they go on to ruin real relationships, as we ask ourselves: just which side of Stephen will win out in the end. The main thing getting in the way of his descent being an older woman named Hannah, who he definitely isn't falling for."