Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
>
Thoughts on my query?
date
newest »
newest »
Hi,Feedback on structure:
I would like to know about her abilities. About the world she is in. About whom the Corp is and who she is.
At this moment the Corp is nothing but a name for some sort of organization.
Her ability is about controlling "her" clones and I dont know what that means and why the clones are hers.
The synopsis reads at the moment like this is book 2, and assumes we have read book 1 already. Especially when you say thing like this: "Multiplier can run, like before." but really it is because your protagonist is in charge of clones, her clones, in charge of a city, "her city", so it seems we are dropped already in a story progress.
I suspect you feel comfortable with the text because you know allot about the story, but to me it is not clear.
Some other feedback on prose you can ignore:
I would point out you say: "And they want to recapture their favorite lab rat: her."
Then you say: "The only way to end this would be to hunt them down, capture them..."
That makes no sense to me as they want to capture her, but she needs to capture them in turn, and thus I am not really captured by the story. Do you capture my meaning ? :)
Apart from the confusion, I would suggest to differentiate their Powers.
Another example: "Multiplier’s life is awesome." then you say in the next paragraph, " Her life, however, stops being awesome when..." the repetition stands out. Yes this is for YA but still.
Perhaps you can describe her life, why it is awesome. Is it because she does something she loves?
In any event, good effort. keep writing.
P.S. - I suggest not to call your protagonist "badass". I mean YOU don't do it. Let us the readers get attached to her and feel she is badass as she comes alive on the pages, without you telling us explicitly.
Nikolow
Hello, thanks for the review! I really appreciate it!I have a couple of questions, if you don't mind answering them.
You said Corps are too vague. Would it help if I added something like this: "They're an underground organization with a scientific knowledge that would shatter the world."
Ah, yeah.
Regarding her goal: yes, she wants to capture Corps. Why do you find it uninteresting?
And is repetition not a good thing in queries? Should it be avoided?
Thank you!
PS - the query is written from the POV of her character, and she's, well, arrogant XD that's why she calls herself badass.
Clem
Hi!Nikolow already mentioned a couple of things but what really bugged me about this is the dichotomy between your character emotions and what she appears to be going through. I know it's to give voice but I think we don't have time to connect all the dots in the query.
You say her life is awesome then go to say she has a city to protect, people chasing her and wanting to torture her, capture her, imprison her and all around her life looks really stressful. And it seems she's familiar with these things. So all I'm thinking is : No human being would think their life is awesome in these conditions.
I would take out that part and maybe like say at some point: Multiplier likes her powers and the celebrity that accompanies it but everything else is crap. (more in-voice, of course)
Hi,"They're an underground organization with a scientific knowledge that would shatter the world."
Yes something like this, but I must point out that the last information given can only come from an omniscient author. This part: “knowledge that would shatter the world”.
Thus it would not be available to your protagonist, and she is the one from whose point of view the blurb is told.
Your protagonist will have only personal experiences with them to base her description. Thus describe them a little, perhaps weaved into your protagonist back story.
I don't know your book, so this example will be off the mark, but will show what I mean to weave information and her experiences together in her voice: “The corps, those insane (corporate/government) scientists with no regard for human life were back. The last time Multiplier was in their clutches….”
Hope that helps.
——
“Regarding her goal: yes, she wants to capture Corps. Why do you find it uninteresting?”
My point, which obviously I failed to bridge, is this:
“And they want to recapture their favorite lab rat: her.” - Thats the Copr stated course of action.
“The only way to end this would be to hunt them down, capture them” - your protagonist stated course of action against the Corp.
You have two very different powers here. One is a lonely girl with a mysterious power. The other is an Organization with many agents.
It makes sense the organization - wanting to capture her. But her response, in my opinion, has to be something else. Stop them. Destroy them. Expose them, etc.
Choosing the right approach will also help delineate their different powers, the villains and the protagonist, for the readers.
——
“And is repetition not a good thing in queries? Should it be avoided?”
It is not a good thing period. In your book as well. Only repeat words when you want to make a powerful point.
But ultimately it is for you to decide. Here, red this and see which one you prefer:
“Whereas other sixteen-year-olds stress over tests and boyfriends, she stresses over whether her clones are capable…”
VS
“Whereas other sixteen-year-olds stress over tests and boyfriends, she obsesses over whether her clones are capable…”
“Multiplier’s life is awesome…” “Her life, however, stops being awesome when…”
VS
“Multiplier’s life is awesome…” “However her world is upended when…”
It may seem like a minor point, but an agent is judging your writhing in the query letter and makes assumptions on your book based on it.
——
“PS - the query is written from the POV of her character, and she's, well, arrogant XD that's why she calls herself badass.”
If the blurb is written from the POV of the character it would be first person and start like this:
“My life is awesome. Whereas other sixteen-year-olds stress over tests and boyfriends, I stress over…”
When you start with: “Multiplier’s life is awesome. Whereas other sixteen-year-olds stress over tests and boyfriends, she stresses…” this is you, the author, telling us.
You can go with an author in 3rd person that disappears in the background so we hear your protagonist voice only.
Then it would start something like this: “According to Multiplier, her life is awesome.” or “Multiplier thinks her life is awesome.” Or “Multiplier is certain her life is awesome.”
To disappear further, (which is probably your intention) you can keep it as is, but only make the tiniest of adjustments, like this:
“Multiplier’s life is awesome. Whereas other sixteen-year-olds stress over tests and boyfriends, she stresses over whether her clones are capable of protecting her city. No, she doesn’t have friends or family, but she’s famous! Which, according to her, is cooler!
Here only at the end of the paragraph we start understanding we are listening to her voice. And it is a subconcious type of understanding.
However, you also must continue like this: “Life, however, stops being awesome when…”
Right now you say: “Her life, however, stops being awesome when…”. Do you see it? When you use ‘Her’ you have switched to you the author talking about her as a character.
So do small changes like that throughout.
“Multiplier can run, like before. Leave, assume a new identity, start over….” To “Multiplier considers her options. She can run, like before. Leave, assume a new identity, start over…”
And so if ‘badass’ is not coming from you, but from your protagonist, you might want to change it from: “As badass as she is, the thought of being in the same city with them puts a pain-like fear…” to something like this: “She knows she is badass, but still the thought of being in the same city with them puts a pain-like fear…”
Just minor changes to show we are hearing her inner thoughts. To guide us the readers.
——
PS, this is not for you Clementine, but more for any readers of the thread.
When we say “PS - the query is written from the POV…” We are actually discussing the blurb of the book.
The query is the letter to the agent. It has several parts, the blurb being one among them. The query includes:
- Title, Genre and word count.
- Story description to grab the agent (some ask for a blurb, others may ask for a synopsis)
- Short Personal Bio
- And a personal touch for closing it all.
Nikolow
Dear AGENT,
Given your interest in [X], I hope you will consider my YA Sci-Fi, MULTIPLIER, finished at 90.000 words. It is a standalone novel with a series potential, and tackles identity and trauma. It will appeal to fans of THE ISLAND and HENCH.
Multiplier’s life is awesome. Whereas other sixteen-year-olds stress over tests and boyfriends, she stresses over whether her clones are capable of protecting her city. No, she doesn’t have friends or family, but she’s famous! Which is cooler!
Her life, however, stops being awesome when Corps returns. They’re the ones responsible for her ability. And they want to recapture their favorite lab rat: her.
Multiplier can run, like before. Leave, assume a new identity, start over. As badass as she is, the thought of being in the same city with them puts a pain-like fear in her chest. The longer she stays, the higher her chances of being tortured in the name of science.
But Multiplier is tired of paranoia, tired of terror. She wants to bury her past for good, and carve a free life. So long as Corps are around, that can’t happen.
The only way to end this would be to hunt them down, capture them, and make sure they never hurt her again. Yes, she might die in the process, but hey! At least this way she’ll go out with a bang!
Here is my contact information: [Y.]
Thank you for your time.