Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
>
Could you take a look at my blurb?
date
newest »
newest »
Hello Gabrielle,Overall, I think the blurb is weighed down by too many moving parts that it makes the story feel convoluted. With that said, I think you can arrive at a persuasive, engaging blurb just by cutting back on the content and wrapping your hook earlier.
Here are my suggestions:
First sentence: unnecessary. The leading sentence about Eryn is attention-catchy enough. Since Eryn's story is pretty consistently built through the blurb, we don't need to circle back questioning how the first sentence is related.
First paragraph: Cut out Arlan and combine some of Eryn's sentences. Cut out the history and worldbuilding rules.
All we need to know is that Eryn desires to be reunited with her deceased loved one and makes a deal with a dragon to (help) make it happen.
Second paragraph: (Briefly) introduce Arlan after stating that the dragon wants the book. I would replace the dragon's threat with something that sounds less specific but more ominous like "the dragon will summon a curse upon Eryn's health." And let that threat close off the paragraph rather than begin it.
Third paragraph: I feel like the introduction of the mage (as well as a new secret and a god's tomb) throws the coherency of the blurb off balance. I would cut the mage plotline and close off the blurb staying focused on the dragon's intentions, Eryn retrieving the book and Arlan facing up to his father's past.
Dana wrote: "Hello Gabrielle,Overall, I think the blurb is weighed down by too many moving parts that it makes the story feel convoluted. With that said, I think you can arrive at a persuasive, engaging blurb..."
Thank you so much! This are really helpful points. I'll see what I can do to get it more focused.
---
The gods’ greatest enemy will rise, and they’re not alive to stop him.
Eryn kills the woman she loves to save a child. Arlan’s family dies at the hands of a power-hungry mage. But while Arlan overcomes his grief, Eryn is consumed by it. She longs to reunite with her beloved in death. That’s impossible without her beloved's name, which was ripped from every mind that knew it the moment she became a beast – her punishment for failing the trials of a god’s tomb. Desperate, Eryn makes a deal with a dragon. A deal that brings her crashing into Arlan’s life.
The dragon wants a prophetic book. Arlan’s father owned it. If Arlan doesn’t hand it over, the dragon will make Eryn suffer headaches and nosebleeds that have left her bedbound before. But the book is in his father’s vault, which he has yet to claim. Entering the vault will mean facing his father’s secret past and a heritage he hates.
When Eryn discovers the dragon intends for her to stop the gods’ ancient foe, she dives into research, hoping to understand how she could possibly succeed. But a mad mage hunts Eryn, carrying a secret that will thwart Eryn’s new goal and tear Arlan’s life apart. Soon, Eryn will have to choose between risking her sanity in a god’s tomb and leaving Arlan to suffer the same twisted torture he endured the night his family died.