Seeking Query Synopsis Advice

[Alicia]

Hi everyone,

I have posted my query before, but after being in the trenches, I have decided to edit it.

I am posting the query synopsis for my 85,000-word novel, ANCHORS, to get some feedback on it. I am also wondering about the genre. I have been marketing this as a YA Urban Fantasy, but I'm starting to wonder if it is more of a YA Dystopian Sci Fi novel. Let me know what vibes you all get.


Eighteen-year-old Charlotte (Charlie) Brooks hasn’t seen the sun in four years. In a world where Anchors (humans born with a magic gene), are criminalized and executed by Crystals (humans born without a magic gene), Charlie’s family forces her to remain isolated—yet protected—in a shelter with other Anchors from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Now years later, she is tired of the shelter’s suppressive rules that keep her from even basic joys like seeing the outside world.

But breaking out of the shelter before graduation puts her at serious risk of three things: permanent exile from society, which would sever every relationship she has and rip away her identity; public execution, equivalent to modern-day witch trials; or possible death due to infection by the sun. In the last four years, the sun has been poisoning anyone with prolonged exposure, and none of the Anchors have been inoculated, giving Charlie one more reason to hate Crystals.

Too many Anchors have suffered persecution at the hands of Crystals, and Charlie is tired of seeing news broadcasts documenting live footage of another Anchor being executed. When she sees Adam Christianson—her best friend’s brother who also happens to be an Anchor—appear on the news as a target, Charlie decides to take action. The only problem is he is also wanted for multiple murders. Despite the quite real possibility that he’s guilty, Charlie is intoxicated by the idea of freedom and blinded by her desire to protect all Anchors from Crystals. Ultimately, she decides risking her safety to save an alleged murderer is worth the possible exile or death if she gets caught.

[Nikolow]

Hi,

A Synopsis for a query letter is supposed to expose any flaws and problems in your story and will reveal how you handle the explanation of different story threads to an agent.

With that said here are the issues I see:

Your protagonist magic is not explained. This could be a selling point, and the cool factor, an agent will want to know.

"Infection" by the sun is right now just a plot instrument. That is because the sun does not cause infections. It can cause burns for example. If the earth magnetic shield is perturbed, it can cause radiation exposure, etc... but infections and "inoculations" attributed to the sun sound strange. If you leave it as is, the agent will wonder how many such plot points you have in your book that are just unexplained/ underdeveloped.

Thus if you say it, it has to make sense.

When confronted on the news with her friend brother being accused of murder and possibly executed, "Charlie decides to take action" - What kind? She grew up isolated, what action can she possibly take against a government(I assume)?
This goes to the core of you Protagonist. We do not know what powers she has. We do not know how many enemies she faces. We do not know what she wants to do about it. And we should.

Those are the main points.

For structure, I will just review your last sentence, which is the first when I rise my eyes to your text. Lets do a training exercise with it.

"Ultimately, she decides risking her safety to save an alleged murderer is worth the possible exile or death if she gets caught."

First I think it we should add 'that': Ultimately, she decides *that risking her safety to save an alleged murderer is worth the possible exile or death if she gets caught.

Ok, this sentence is better but is also cumbersome. What you want to do is, edit it until you like it, until it feels good and smooth. (my advice, do this for the whole text)

For example, the last part is not needed 'if she gets caught' because it is implied that she will be executed only if she gets caught, and if she is not caught obviously she cant be executed.

Further, "exile or death" is not strong together. Because whom is giving her a choice? Franky we don't care. Death is strong enough by it self. The two together do not work, since it is like saying: Loose you Canadian citizenship, or die!

So lets keep going and remove all the clutter and things that don't make sense:

"Ultimately, Charlie decides to risk her life in order to save her friends little brother." -ok, other flaws were exposed so we keep going and we rewrite into - "To save her friends little brother, Charlie will have to put all on the line, including her life." - we rewrite again and again untill we like it:

"To save her friend's little brother, Charlie will have to put all on the line. Including her own life. For in the end she may do more then save one wrongly accused Anchor, she may save all of humanity."

Ok , I added "little" to brother because this gives a better motivation to your protagonist to act. Thus when you do this you realise things in your story that will make it stronger, and you go in the book and rewrite.

Also the ending of your sentence changed to be something with a punch. Now the consequences of Charlie success or failure become drastically more clearer to the reader.

End of our exercise on that one sentence. Hope you find it useful.



Good Luck!

Keep writing.

Nikolow

P.S.For a Synopsis in your query letter, you can include the middle and the end of the story. This is meant for an agent and not for the readers, thus it is ok to have story reveals and story and character arcs.

[Alicia]

Thank you for the incredible feedback! I am definitely going to go back through it with that in mind to see if I can make it clearer and more enticing.