Blurb Help - Fantasy, Dawn of Unity

[Nitish]

Hi all. I'm looking for some feedback on this blurb to determine if I should revise it. Any opinions are appreciated!

A boy despised by society, another elevated to prominence, both linked by a war.

“Die a criminal or serve your country in this war,” the knight who recaptured seventeen-year-old Will Farmer told him. Locked away for murder, Will escaped only because of a powerful object he found. He takes the knight’s mercy to prove he’s not the monster they say he is. A battle later he’s captured by a boy from the opposing side who holds an object like his.

“Capture an enemy, bring him to the capital, and you will be grand vizier,” the sultan told sixteen-year-old Ahmed Sharfi. He’s improved over nine years at the University of Magi, since the day he accidentally burned down his town’s souk. To sit by the sultan’s side, it’s everything he thought he wanted. Thus he heads to war. Yet, a powerful object, found during his studies, points him to someone in the aftermath of a battle.

Their nations say they should be enemies, but it isn’t so. They don’t understand the war, but for different reasons. Will wants redemption, while Ahmed cared only about his studies, yet they seem to get along so well. They realize their powerful objects may be able to guide them. But who are two boys to change a war others failed to stop?

[Tomas, Wandering dreamer]

To me, it sounds good.

[Nitish]

Tomas wrote: "To me, it sounds good."

That is good to hear! Thanks for taking a look at it.

[Jay]

“Die a criminal or serve your country in this war,” the knight who recaptured seventeen-year-old Will Farmer told him.

So first you tell the reader what was said, and then you tell them who said it—in terms incomprehensible to the reader? How can he be “recaptured” when he’s not been captured, as far as the reader knows? How can the term “recaptured” be significant to the reader when that reader doesn’t know what’s going on, where and when we are, or the smallest thing about the protagonist?

Locked away for murder, Will escaped only because of a powerful object he found.

Locked away where? When? Locked away for murder that he is, or isn’t guilty of? And what in the pluperfect hells is a “powerful object?” used right, a club fits that description. The reader knows not the smallest thing about the culture we find ourselves in, or the genre of the story, so the term is meaningless, as-it’s-read. Will knows what’s going on. You and everyone in the story knows. The reader? Not a clue.

You talk as if the reader knows the situation, because it’s perfectly clear to you. And it works for you. But...though we write from our chair, we must edit from that of the reader, who has only the context we supply. And we need to supply it before, or as, a given line is written. And keep in mind that the blurb, like the story, itself, must be written with the emotion-based and character-centric approach used for fiction, rather then the fact-based and author-centric methodology of nonfiction.

I mean no insult, and obviously haven’t read the story. So I can’t comment on it. But based on this, I would strongly suggest that you edit the story, itself, from the viewpoint of that reader, and perhaps have the computer read it to you. That’s a good way to experience the flow more as a reader will.

[Dwayne, Head of Lettuce]

It's all right, but too vague. It's hard to get interested in it when so much is veiled with vague wording. The "powerful object" seems to be of great importance to the story, so why not say what it is? They say he's a monster - who are "they"? Just a couple of examples.

[Robin]

I think the main issue is possibly not with what is being said but that it takes a long time to say. The same information in about half the words would hold the attention a lot better. Just a suggestion.

[Nitish]

Thank-you everyone for your feedback!

I rewrote my blurb based on your comments. As Jay and Dwayne suggested I clarified the story/plot some more while trying to keep the character-centric parts. As Robin suggested I reduced the number of words (10), but this is tricky to do, so if you see any place more can be taken out then please point it out.

Edit: updated the blurb once more.


Beliefs shattered, two magically linked are called to seek truth.

Seventeen-year-old Will escapes from prison six years after his false conviction for murder. Found by a knight who lets Will serve as a squire, Will takes the knight’s mercy and follows him to war. He’ll protect against infidels, proving to the kingdom he’s not the monster they assume he is, and be seen kindly again.

As a child, when he burned a souk, Ahmed was terrified. Now sixteen, Ahmed is confident he’s improved. Seeking to become grand vizier and bring prestige to his family is everything he thought he wanted. The sultan’s test remains: bring an enemy to the capital. He heads to war believing that an enemy’s capture is a small price for the sultan’s blessing. They’re dangerous anyway.

Gems of powerful magic bring them together as kingdom and sultanate ravage each other over ignorance and religious zeal, nearing collapse. They’re mortal enemies, their monarchs say, but when Will and Ahmed meet amid fear and mistrust they learn to like each other. Their actions no longer seem right and their gems show a resolution. But who are two boys to effect change when those more likely have failed?