Revised blurb for short story collection

[Anthony]

Looking for feedback for this revised back cover book blurb for a collection of short stories. The stories follow a single protagonist through a series of interconnected stories spanning the 1960s through the 1980s. The title of the book is "Across The Border." Genre is literary realism or general fiction. I got some good suggestions on my initial request and worked those into this revision.

"On the Nile, climbing the slopes of Kilimanjaro, challenging the jungle dangers of Rwanda; Ryan Jordan is searching for one thing — himself.

As a boy, Ryan experiences his first encounter with death in the family’s horse corral — and his father’s role in it.

Later, a greater tragedy occurs — again in the corral.

Questions about his own purpose in life arise, sending Ryan into the wild terrain of Baja California with two college buddies in the mid-1970s.

Plans change and change again. He once again crosses the border to the warm waters of the Sea of Cortez to find love.

More tragedy follows. Ryan resumes his quest, this time to Africa, searching for purpose…and trying to forget.

This collection of fifteen interconnected stories follows Ryan as he searches for meaning in life, across various borders, both international and emotional."

Looking forward to your feedback. Thanks.

[S.]

Hello. It does catch your readers' attention, but I would suggest a couple small changes.

1. Doing what on the Nile? You need a descriptive action word to start the tagline. Boating, sailing, being chased, etc. would be good examples.

2. Paragraphs two and three are confusing. For one thing, they should both be a singular paragraph. For another thing, they should be more explanatory. Did a horse die? Was his father a murderer? Your readers need a bit more detail in order to be hooked; they do not want to be confused.

3. Paragraphs four through six are fragmented and jumbled. They should all be drawn together with the story-lines that connect them, forming one cohesive paragraph. I understand that you are trying to divide the blurb into mini-blurbs for the different stories, but the blurb should be about the overall story of the book itself.

The ending paragraph should stay, and is spot-on. Just my opinions as a professional blurb writer. Hope I was of some help to you. :-)

[Anthony]

S. wrote: "Hello. It does catch your readers' attention, but I would suggest a couple small changes.

1. Doing what on the Nile? You need a descriptive action word to start the tagline. Boating, sailing, bei..."

Excellent suggestions and ones that I can easily adopt.

As for more detail regarding the tragedies, I don't want to reveal them further as they are revealed as their individual stories unfold.

I wrote this blurb as short separate paragraphs to suggest these events are occurring in separate stories, which can be stand-alone stories.

I appreciate your feedback, S. Thanks

[S.]

Anthony wrote: "S. wrote: "Hello. It does catch your readers' attention, but I would suggest a couple small changes.

1. Doing what on the Nile? You need a descriptive action word to start the tagline. Boating, s..."

Glad I could help. When you make the changes, feel free to post your updated version so folks can help you with the most up-to-date version.

[Gifford]

Hi, Anthony, though you changed the first "tragedy" to "death" in the horse corral, it's still vague to me. I'm going to have a different reaction depending on whether it's the death of a horse, a child, an adult, on whether it's an accident, or if the father actually caused it (purposely or by neglect). Or could Ryan have saved the horse, child, etc, if he'd reacted quickly?

The search for self is an important theme, and I understand you want to keep a sense of suspense going, but you're asking us to read between the lines, which creates confusion. We need to be able to understand why the initial inciting incident might cause Ryan such distress.

[Anthony]

Gifford wrote: "Hi, Anthony, though you changed the first "tragedy" to "death" in the horse corral, it's still vague to me. I'm going to have a different reaction depending on whether it's the death of a horse, a ..."

Hi Gifford,
Thanks again for more feedback. Since short stories have their own inciting incidents, it is the accumulation of these incidents in this collection that drives Ryan on his journey.

I'm disinclined to reveal more about the first tragedy that lies at the heart of its story. It would be like revealing "who done it" in a murder mystery. I think if the reader's interest is aroused then they will appreciate their reaction after reading the story and not before.

If this were a novel then the structure of the blurb would be different as there is generally only one inciting incident. Much different with short stories

I appreciate the time you have taken to follow this thread.