EP 30 -Please add your opening lines now - and critique the ones that are here

[Andrew]

Hi everyone

So here are some opening lines for you to review and critique. I am going to start with one of the most famous opening lines in all of English literature, I have already been taken to task for not mentioning it in the episode:

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."

Actually this one delivers on much of what I said in the episode, it is intriguing without being brash and loud, it provides us with something within the dimension of story, in this case, plot, and crucially, voice.

Here are a couple of my own opening lines - let me know what you think:

"She went into the airlock, and waved goodbye to me for the last time. "


"Grace McAllan woke up and lashed out blindly in the utter darkness."

Comments welcome! And lets see some of yours

Thanks
Andy

[Eric]

Keep in mind I am an amateur. Copious amounts of sodium chloride required.


"She went into the airlock, and waved goodbye to me for the last time. "
--I really like this one. I'm already wondering "Who is this person?" "What's going to happen to separate them? Tragic accident? Space mission?"


"Grace McAllan woke up and lashed out blindly in the utter darkness."
-- Not as gripping. Definitely lots of questions to ask, but not sure if I'm interested enough to ask. Perhaps if I knew a touch more about what Grace was thinking or feeling I might be along for the ride.

Ok you showed me yours so here goes.

'“Put your backs into it, men! We’re losing the light!”, Ozimund growled. '

"CLANG! In the gloom of the forge, sparks momentarily illuminated a visage of pure frustration. "

"The watch fires burned green in the predawn gloom as the throng of man and beast awaited the opening of the gates of Tel'Malus."

OK so that second one was two sentences, but I didn't think "CLANG!" would give anyone much to go on.

Looking forward to feedback.
Eric

[Andrew]

Hi Eric

I like the use of sensory language here, and you're taking us straight into the compelling heart of the story, that's a good thing. For each specific sentence:

'“Put your backs into it, men! We’re losing the light!”, Ozimund growled. '

First, watch the punctuation - you don't need that comma after the close speech mark at the end of the sentence, also exclamation marks are 'expensive' in the sense that you have to use them sparingly. I think you could get away with just one at the end of the comment. Also, I tend to avoid speech tags that aren't "he said / she said" again anything else needs to be used sparingly, I'd simply delete everything after ..light!" and let the context of the story tell us who is speaking. Also, I'd be tempted to take out the word 'men'. Whether this character would use this work depends on their personality, but if they are under pressure, and angry / frustrated they would say as few words as possible. Brevity in this sort of first line will help to immerse your reader quickly.

Obviously it depends on what comes next, but I'd try simply:

"Put your backs into it, we're losing the light!"


-----

"CLANG! In the gloom of the forge, sparks momentarily illuminated a visage of pure frustration. "

I wouldn't start with an onomatapeic term like "clang" and certainly not in caps. I'd be tempted her to craft a sentence that shows us what is making the clanging noise, try to capture in a few words the energy of your frustrated character, what they are hitting, and go for an active verb that really captures them striking something. Also I am not sure about "visage of pure frustration". So I might try something like:

"Bob slammed the hammer down onto the steel, sparks illuminated the frustration on his face"

------

"The watch fires burned green in the predawn gloom as the throng of man and beast awaited the opening of the gates of Tel'Malus."


Now this I quite like, especially the imaginative concept of the fires burning green, I do like that. I think throng is plural, so it's "throng of men and beasts"

I'm not sure I'd be tempted to do too much else to it. I think in the next few sentences I'd try to conjure up the environment of the scene, the sights, the sounds, the smell.


I hope this is all useful!

Cheers
Andy

[Eric]

Thank you Andy! Those were first lines from NaNoWriMo attempts and admittedly poorly edited. I will make the changes and keep these tips in mind for the future.

Eric

P.S. I did have a question though. When I mentioned the throng of men and beasts, should I have made it more gender neutral for a modern audience? Or would that in turn make my statement awkward?

[Andrew]

You're very welcome. All these things are subjective of course, and I appreciate you were in NaNoWriMo mode..

Cheers
Andy