query help

[Ashwini]

Hi
As a first-time author, I thought my query for my women's fiction / contemporary romance novel was pretty neat - until I realized it was not! I have queried about 30 agents so far with a handful of generic rejections and many more disappointing non-responses. Hence asking for opinion here regarding this query. Any and all suggestions are truly appreciated.
Here goes...
‘Guilty of Love’ is a women's fiction and contemporary romance novel. This book is about two young Indian women and the story of their struggle with guilt as they strive to make the right decisions when the same decisions in the past have led to some wrong and dire consequences. Narrated in alternating voices of Ramya and Siri, this is an inter-woven, yet a parallel romance story highlighting their journey – a tale of love, loss, guilt, redemption, and forgiveness.
The story starts with a very confounding and irrational teen suicide, which shatters Ramya and her popularity overnight. As she drowns herself in grief and guilt, it is of course best pal Siri who comes to her rescue. And surprisingly enough, it is in Siri’s nerdy brother, that Ramya regains hope, courage and ultimately love. Years later, she is happily married, and her life is peacefully uneventful, until distraction emerges in the form of her charming new boss. As the ghosts of her past and the giant shadows of her future collide together, some heart-breaking decisions need to be made. Ramya has a steely resolve and knows she is right, but as history menacingly threatens to repeat itself, she finds herself being sucked into the dreaded black hole of dark guilt again. Does Ramya have enough resilience to get out of this all-consuming emotional quicksand this time around? Will she, if ever, get the absolution that she deserves and needs to defeat her demons, and regain her peace and sanity?
Siri also is guilty, maybe not on the same par as Ramya; her problem after all, is more mundane and perhaps less forbidden. After a carefully planned arranged marriage with Raj goes haywire, even the ever-optimistic Siri is a bit disillusioned about her prospects of finding the ‘right partner’. Life does offer her a second chance and before she knows it, she is hopelessly in love with a man, who is her polar opposite in almost every way, but adores her and is a perfect match for her. Well, her love may be ‘color-blind’, but her parents are not; she knows her conservative parents will never approve of this ‘inter-racial’ affair. Ramya is ready to rally for her all through, but when will Siri realize this is her race to run and her trophy to win? Will Siri ever muster enough courage to stand up to her parents for what she believes is ‘true love’? and more importantly, is love alone enough to bridge the gaping ‘culture-chasm’ that her parents are so skeptical of?
It starts out rather poignantly, but then takes on a lighter tone and tempo of a rom com, guaranteed to make you smile through your wet eyes. As a well-rooted and successful immigrant, myself, I have tried to bring forth the nuances and intricacies of assimilating to a western culture and in that same vein attempted to provide a window to the Indian culture and traditions to the western audience.

I admit I might not have much in the way of writing credentials, but I hope my life-experiences as a physician have been reflected in the characters of my story. Instead of burdening my audience with the ‘real and cruel’ stuff I see in my practice all the time, I have focused on bringing out the 'Humor in Medicine'. I believe my readers deserve happiness, fun and bliss-which I hope my debut ‘feel good’ romance novel will provide them with, in ample amounts.

Thank you for considering my query and I sincerely hope to hear from you at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely

Ashwini Bhat

[K.C.]

This is not my genre for reading or writing, and I don't have the perspective of an agent, so take this with a grain of salt.

#1. It's long. Most examples of successful queries that I have read are about 400 words.

#2. To me, it feels vague.
"very confounding and irrational teen suicide." I'm not sure what happened.
"it is in Siri’s nerdy brother, that Ramya regains hope, courage and ultimately love." I don't know how.
"ghosts of her past and the giant shadows of her future collide together, some heart-breaking decisions need to be made." What ghosts? What decisions?
Et cetera

I know you can't and don't want to tell the whole plot, but your text seems to focus on the feelings resulting from events, rather than the events themselves.

I'd suggest telling less about the overall story, but describing some section with more specificity. E.g. what's the hook to draw the readers in?

#3. The first few paragraphs do not sound like a rom com, or reflect humor. Sounds pretty heavy. If you're going to sell this as light and humorous, I think you'd do better to lead off with something light and humorous.

#4. Don't sell yourself short: "I have tried..." "I admit I might not have much..." "I hope my life experiences.... have been reflected..."

How about something like "My characters reflect my xxx years as a physician, and the humor I've seen coexist with grief" E.g., Say you have exactly the right experience to tell this story.

Just food for thought.

KC

[Ashwini]

Thank you KC for your candid feedback. I will definitely use your suggestions to modify my query.
1. Agree it is long, and I can cut down some.
2. I kind of kept it vague to pique the interest of the agents (to no avail so far)- not sure how I can make it more specific without telling the whole story.
3. The story has two protagonists and two parts- one reads more like women's fiction and the other more like rom com. Both have a lot of humor in them. perhaps I can use this as a selling point.
4. Very true. I am full of self-doubt since this is my first amateur attempt at writing. Also, I feel like my being a doctor is being held against me by agents since they immediately realize I am not dependent on this book for a living. Hence I did not want to appear smug and all-knowing. But you are right. I need to sound more confident. Fake it until you make it:)

[Gifford]

If you're looking for a place to start, Writers Digest gave this basic formula:

1. A short, precise description of the overall conflict (the “hook”)

2. Introduce your main character (and perhaps one other character, usually the antagonist or "villian");

3. Tell us what s/he wants and what stands in her/his way (the main plot);

4. Tell us what will happen if s/he doesn't succeed (the stakes).

5. A paragraph at the beginning or end that includes title, genre, word count (rounded off to the nearest thousand)

6. Your bio.

And BTW, almost all authors looking for an agent have an "outside" job. Relatively few established authors make enough to support themselves with their writing alone. KC's feedback on the bio is golden.

One last thing, if you list 2 genres an agent might think you don't know where the book fits. If it starts out as women's fiction, then I'd advise sticking with that. There's nothing that says WF can't be humorous or romantic.

Hope this helps.

[Ashwini]

Thanks, Gifford, for the feedback. Would definitely start working on changing the query based on both of your inputs!

[Scott]

Hi Ashwini,
I agree with what Gifford says above. Introducing the characters and why the reader should care about them is the most important part of the blurb. We also need to know what they want, what is stopping them, and what happens if they can't reach their goals.

The way this is written makes the stories of these two women sound like two separate novels. How do they come together? What is their relationship? It also comes across as you telling me what it is about rather than actually letting me see/feel what it is about. "The book is about..." "The story starts with..."

It is def too long and the large blocks of text discourage me from wanting to read it. It is also too wordy. Narrow the focus and only include key elements. Not sure the nerdy brother or failed husband even need to be mentioned here.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[Ashwini]

Thanks for the feedback, Scott. Like I said any and all feedback is important to me at this point. I will work on the new query with all the pointers above and see if it works.

[Ashwini]

Taking all of the suggestions above, this is the edited version I came up with. I could not cut it down though. It is not as vague as prior version, but did I give out too much information?


“In the court of love, how would you rather plead- Guilty or not guilty?”
Ramya and Siri are best friends, as close as sisters -the ‘guilty girls’ who struggle with guilt as they strive to make the right decisions when the same decisions in the past have led to some wrong and dire consequences.
At seventeen, bold and beautiful Ramya has everything going for her including a hot boyfriend at her arm. All that changes one fateful day when she loses him to an alleged suicide. As she drowns herself in grief and guilt, it is of course best pal Siri who comes to her rescue. Years later, she marries Siri’s brother-Amit, who had inspired hope and courage in her during those dark times. Her love and loyalty to Amit are soon put to test with charismatic Jeeth entering the scene. Ramya enjoys her new boss’s attention and company, but when she realizes that Jeeth wants more than just a platonic relationship, she firmly rejects him and walks away. Two days later, Jeeth goes missing; no one knows where he is- not his family, not even his secretory. Ramya knows she made the right decision, but as history menacingly threatens to repeat itself, she gets sucked into the dark blackhole of guilt yet again. As the ghosts of her past collide with the giant shadows of her future, she stands to lose everything she loves, everything she worked so hard for and which she cannot afford to lose again. Does Ramya have enough resilience to get out of this all-consuming emotional quicksand this time around? And that too without Siri or Amit’s help?
Siri is a talkative ‘open book’ compared to reclusive Ramya. She is academically as successful as can be, but her marital life is a disaster. As Ramya strives to find the ‘right man’ for her, who can man-up to her success, she discovers that Siri already has a closet boyfriend- Mike. She might as well have chosen a one-eyed alien because that’s how conservative her parents are towards an inter-racial alliance. Still, Siri’s problem is much more mundane and not as forbidden as hers. Ramya is ready to rally for her all through, but when will Siri realize this is her race to run and her trophy to win? Will Siri ever muster enough courage to stand up for what she believes is ‘true love’? And more importantly, is love alone enough to bridge the gaping ‘culture-chasm’ that her Indian parents are so skeptical of?
‘Guilty of Love’ is an 80k women's fiction full of beautiful romance and delicious humor. Narrated in alternating voices of Ramya and Siri, this is an inter-woven, yet a parallel romance story highlighting their journey – a tale of love, loss, guilt, redemption, and forgiveness.
My decade long experience as a physician has been well reflected in the characters of my story. Instead of burdening my audience with the ‘real and cruel’ stuff I see in my oncology practice all the time, I have focused on bringing out the humor that co-exists in the face of darkness. I believe my readers deserve happiness, fun, and bliss-which I hope my debut ‘feel good’ novel will provide them with, in ample amounts.
Thank you for considering my query and I sincerely hope to hear from you at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely
Ashwini Bhat